Financial Wizard Helps Leprechauns Diversify Their Portfolios

pot-of-goldA nondescript sign stating “CPA” hangs outside the window of the meager office above a bookstore in downtown Bangor, Modern Philosophers.

The bookstore is owned by Ana, my dear Vampire friend.  The building is diagonally across the street from Three Toads & A Wicked Lady, Bangor’s most famous Witch Bar, owned by my three favorite Witches.  And yet, this tiny office often goes completely unnoticed by anyone walking down the busy street.

What’s so special about this one man accounting and investment firm?  It’s where you’ll find Padgho, Financial Wizard to Maine’s Otherworldly Being Community.

While Padgho is an actual Wizard, the only Magic he practices involves turning your investment portfolio into something you can live off comfortably once its time to retire.

“My main focus is on helping Leprechauns,” the ancient Wizard explained to this Modern Philosopher as we sipped Snapple in his dimly lit office.  “Don’t get me wrong, my services are here for everyone, but my passion in life is to help Leprechauns.”

wizardPadgho grew up in Ireland and became well acquainted with Leprechauns as a youth.  When other kids his age were off playing soccer, Padgho was chasing rainbows so he could meet new Leprechauns.

“They were mischievous, but they were incredibly fun, kindhearted, and understanding of my abilities,” Padgho said with a heavy sigh as he moved  an abacus out of the way and conjured up a plate of cookies for us to share.  “My peers would not accept me because of my special gift.  They either feared me or mocked me, but the Leprechauns never did that.”

Once Padgho became a Financial Wizard, he knew that the focus of his practice would be his little friends from the Irish countryside, who never judged him, taught him Magic, and helped him to understand the true value of gold.

“Over time, it became apparently that my Leprechaun friends were rather shortsighted when it came to investing,” the Wizard told me with a chuckle.  “All they cared about was gold.  They wanted to accumulate as much as possible and then spent all their free time making sure no one tried to steal it from them.”

When Padgho first tried to convinced the Leprechauns to diversify their portfolios, they scoffed.  Tricks were played, heated words were exchanged, and there was some shunning.

Padgho, however, was not deterred.

“The Leprechauns were my only true friends,” he told me as a smile of reminiscence crept across his ancient lips.  “I wasn’t going to give up on them.  At the very least, I was going to  convince those little troublemakers to put their gold in a bank vault!”

SeamusThen the gold market plunged, and suddenly, the Leprechauns wanted to listen to their favorite Financial Wizard.

“He saved me arse and me gold,” Seamus, Maine’s lone Leprechaun told me later at The House on the Hill.  “I was one of the first he convinced to get into stocks and bonds.  Me holdings now include fast food restaurants, powerful tech companies, and  two professional sports franchises!”

Seamus said his fellow Leprechauns refer to their financial savior as St. Paddy, and that Leprechauns from all over the world come to Maine simply to shake the hand of the Wizard who saved their futures.

“Of course, they insist on buying him a few pints will in town, laddie,” Seamus informed me as he tapped his shillelagh excitedly on my hardwood floor.  “That Wizard’s best trick is making all that beer disappear!”

Padgho told this Modern Philosopher that he never misses practicing “regular Magic” like his fellow Wizards.  He is more than content with casting a spell over the investment portfolios of his clients.

Paddy's Day“I love my job,” he said simply.  “If all Magic comes with a price, I’m going to be sure that the price is a profit for my clients.”

This Modern Philosopher’s retirement planning is now in Padgho’s capable hands.

In closing, I have to ask: If Seamus has diversified his portfolio, why is he hiding a giant pot o’ gold in my basement?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Financial Wizard Helps Leprechauns Diversify Their Portfolios

  1. Ah the luck of thee Irish.

  2. AthenaC says:

    How did you know CPA’s practice magic? Who let you in on the trade secret?

  3. Madam_W says:

    Seriously, where do you get this stuff from? As a fairly okay numbers person, this was my favorite line: “I love my job,” he said simply. “If all Magic comes with a price, I’m going to be sure that the price is a profit for my clients.” lol

  4. Well, you can’t put all your eggs in one basket. Some eggs need to be hidden in basements.

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