I Advise You To Use Every Weapon In Your Arsenal

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I’m 15 and I really like your blog.  It makes me laugh when you take a weird and awkward situation and turn it into something funny.

I really like the way you’ve been so open about your problems with dating and missing The Girl Who Moved Away.

As a 15 year old boy, I’ve got lots of problems with dating, too.  I’m horrible at talking to girls, and my parents are very understanding and maybe a little too supportive if that makes any sense.

Do you get how embarrassing it is to constantly have your parents give you pep talks on asking a girl on a date?

Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  My Dad is forever sharing stories of how horrible he was with girls, how he could never get a date, and how he wishes he just had a secret weapon to help him.

As a result, my parents “blessed” me with what they consider to be a secret weapon to help me during my awkward teenage years.  They call it a blessing, but I kinda see it as a curse.

They named me Irish.


Ironically, I have no Irish blood flowing through my veins, but that’s not the problem.  They said they named me Irish for two reasons: so I could always think I had the Luck of the Irish on my side, and so that on St. Patrick’s Day, I could break the ice with a pretty girl by walking up to her and saying “Kiss me, I’m Irish”.

My Dad swears that if he had an opening line like that, he would’ve had his first kiss long before he was 19.

I don’t want to wait until I’m 19 to kiss a girl, and I know my parents mean well, but at the same time, I’m mortified to use such a lame pick up line.

Please give me some advice here as St. Patrick’s Day is quickly approaching.

More Confused Than Your Average Teen

kiss meDear Confused,

While I understand the stress you must be going through, I do think it’s oddly sweet that your parents named you Irish because they thought it would give you confidence with the opposite sex.

If you think about it, that’s some pretty awesome forward thinking on their part.

Dating is hard.  Putting yourself out there, taking a chance, and opening yourself up to mockery and rejection are some of the toughest things anyone, let alone a teenager, ever has to do.

It really is all about confidence, Irish.  Think about what’s the worst that can happen and then compare that the best case scenario.  Doesn’t the potential of a date with a young lady who makes your heart beat a little faster make it worth the possible rejection?

That first kiss isn’t going to magically plant itself on your lips, my friend.  You’re going to have to put yourself out there and take a risk.

I advise you to use every weapon in your arsenal.

I’m not saying to always lead with the “Miss me I’m Irish” line, but if it is St. Patrick’s Day, be open minded and keep that bullet in the chamber.

Consider variations on the line your Dad wants you to use.  If you see a charming Irish lass wearing a Kiss Me I’m Irish button on St. Paddy’s Day, start a conversation by saying, “You’re name is Irish, too?  That’s so cool.  I wonder what else we have in common.”

If that doesn’t break the ice, then she is not worth your time.

Your parents meant well.  You could have parents who won’t let you date and force you to focus on school instead of on girls.  They sound cool, in their nerdy parental way, so cut them come slack.

Good luck, Irish.  Be confident and that first kiss will happen.


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to I Advise You To Use Every Weapon In Your Arsenal

  1. markbialczak says:

    Good advice, Austin. The kid could have it worse, indeed. I can think of a number of ethnicities not to be named.

  2. markbialczak says:

    I wouldn’t be able to spell them!

  3. swo8 says:

    You guys just need a little kiss of the Blarney Stone!

  4. This is sooo sweet! Very different from what I have read of you before 🙂

  5. jan says:

    Wouldn’t a better pick up line be “Hi I’m Patrick and I’m a saint”? Good luck Irish!

    • Austin says:

      A) Who wants to date a saint?

      B) His name is Irish, so he’d be lying if he tried the other one.

      A better line would be, my name is Patrick, try chasing my snake out of your… oh, never mind. 😉

  6. JED says:

    Irish is as Irish does and I hope Irish does good. The advice you gave sounds like it could give him a great start.

  7. Kind advice to someone who genuinely was seeking it. :o0

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