Maine’s Air National Guard has been mobilized to clear the skies, and all Flying Monkeys are being issued free drink coupons at area Monkey Bars to help them with their frazzled nerves.
“Windy days remind the Flying Monkeys of that fateful day back in Oz,” Governor LePage’s spokesperson Margaret Hamilton explained to this Modern Philosopher.
Of course, Miss Hamilton is speaking about the day that Dorothy’s house crushed The Wicked Witch of the East, setting off celebrations in Munchkinland. While the Munchkins celebrated, however, the Flying Monkeys suffered.
“The Wicked Witch of the West was really upset when her sister was killed and Dorothy took her ruby slippers,” Hamilton went on to explain. “From what I’ve been told, she was very abusive to the Flying Monkeys in the subsequent days, and the poor creatures are still traumatized by it.”
Because of this past trauma, there is a fear that the Flying Monkeys will act out on windy days. They have been known to set fire to scarecrows, snatch up tiny dogs, and hurl feces at any woman in red shoes.
Governor LePage does not want a repeat of that today.
“It makes sense to ground the Flying Monkeys,” Dr. Jekyll told me when I called him for some psychological insights. “They obviously suffer from PTSD, which is not to be confused with the Post Traumatic Snow Disorder from which many Mainers suffer after this Winter. The Flying Monkeys are set off by the wind, so keeping them out of the sky is a good idea.”
But what about giving them free drink coupons at area Monkey Bars Won’t they be a danger to others when drunk on Banana Daiquiris on a windy day?
“Well, of course, Austin,” Dr. Jekyll agreed. “This is Governor LePage we’re talking about, though, and his plans are never perfect and often quite troublesome for Mainers.”
I want The Flying Monkeys to know that The House on the Hill is open to them if they want to wait out the wind here. This is a safe place, there will be no Banana Daiquiris available, but there is plenty of Snapple, March Madness is on the TV, and there are people here to talk to if need be.
Remember, there’s no place like home, so head on over now!