FDA: Green Easter Eggs Do Make You Horny

green eggsOn Holy Thursday, the Food & Drug Administration announced that months of studies have led them to colclude that green Easter eggs actually DO make you horny.

“We’ve known for years that green M&Ms make people horny, and now we finally have data that indicates that green Easter eggs do  the same thing,” an FDA spokesperson read from a prepared statement.

Scientists working in a control environment painstakingly studied the effects of green Easter eggs on thousands of subjects.

The test subjects ranged in age from 18 to 71, hailed from all fifty states, and spanned the spectrum of sexual preferences and income brackets.

“No matter who we used for the tests, they always got very frisky after eating green Easter eggs,” Dr. Simon Blath, a researcher on the project, explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “We still haven’t figured out why the green eggs caused this reaction, while the other colors just made people ask for more of the green Easter eggs.”

What I don’t understand, Modern Philosophers, is how green Easter eggs are any different from the others.  It’s not like people consume the green shells.  If the eggs were peeled first and given to the subjects, would they even know the difference?

Kissing_couple“Yes, they did,” Dr. Blath surprised me with his emphatic answer.  “Even when the eggs were shelled before being served to the participants, the ones that had been green were the only ones that got the subjects…hot and bothered.”

Giant hoses had to be kept on hand to cool off the test subjects when things got a little too out of hand.

Despite the data that proves green Easter eggs make people horny, experts still do not understand why they cause hormones to rage out of control.

“You’ve got me, Austin,” the Easter Bunny admitted when I posed the question to him in his secret lair via Skype.  “All I know is that every year, I make sure there are way more green eggs than any other color.  I’ve also seen the hospital records.  There is an amazing increase in births nine months after Easter every year.”

Does this trouble the Easter Bunny at all?

“No way, dude,” he replied with a sly smile.  “I’m a bunny.  That kind of behavior is in my blood.  If I had my way, I’d only put green eggs in the baskets.”

Easter Eggs-25Apparently, we are lucky that the Easter Bunny has some quality control people on the payroll.  The world is overpopulated as it is.  So let’s make sure many colors of Easter eggs make it into the baskets this year.

I wonder if giving out green Easter eggs might help with my dating dilemma.  I’ll have to ask the FDA…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to FDA: Green Easter Eggs Do Make You Horny

  1. swo8 says:

    That’s a stretch.
    Leslie

  2. Pingback: My Top 5 Things About Easter | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  3. Does another colour have the opposite effect? If so, I know someone who must have been secretly eating them for years!

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