I Advise You That Candy Has No Religious Affiliation

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

My parents raised me as an Atheist, so while today might be Easter Sunday to you, it is simply Sunday, April 5 to me.

I’m not looking to debate religion, or to blame my parents for raising me in a godless existence.  I’m an adult now, so if I want to worship a higher power, I can make that decision and move forward with my life the way I choose.

What I want to discuss is candy.  Easter candy.

I see Easter candy in stores and I crave it.  The colorful packaging always grabs my attention.  The idea of chocolates shaped like bunnies, eggs, and even crucifixes appeals to me for some unknown reason.  I’ve always wanted to figure out how many jellybeans I can stuff into my mouth, and keep marshmallow Peeps as pets.

However, my parents raised me to believe that I cannot eat Easter candy because I don’t believe in God, Jesus, the Resurrection, and everything else that allows one to have the Easter Bunny visit.

I don’t know if Atheist guilt is as powerful as Catholic guilt, but I’m sure the guilt of going against your parents’ wishes is pretty much the same no matter what religion you are.

What do I do?  I know the Easter Bunny will never bring me an Easter Basket unless I sign up for Christianity, but can I at least get my hands on some Easter candy without it being a major issue?

Thanks for your input on this one.

A True Believer In The Power Of Easter Candy

easter basketDear True Believer,

Happy Sunday the 5th!

I’m sorry that guilt has been used to keep you from enjoying Easter candy.

It really is quite delicious, and I think that everyone deserve the chance to eat it, regardless of their beliefs.

I advise you that candy has no religious affiliation.

It might be shaped like the Easter Bunny or an Easter Egg, but it’s just chocolate, or peanut butter, or marshmallow, or caramel.

Candy is candy.  You don’t need to be a card carrying Christian to devour a box of Peeps.  I haven’t been to church in ages, and I have no problem putting Easter candy in my belly.

Besides, it you’re an Atheist, you don’t have to worry about going to Hell, right?  So just do whatever you want. (Remember, this is a humor blog.  I’m not saying to go out and commit atrocities.  I’m just telling you it’s okay to eat Easter candy!)

Sure, your parents might give you a hard time for it, but that’s what parents do.  You know what sons and daughters do?  They defy and ignore their parents.

Go out and buy yourself some Easter candy.  If you can hold off until tomorrow, you’ll be able to get it at a steep discount.

Hope this advice helps.



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to I Advise You That Candy Has No Religious Affiliation

  1. D. Parker says:

    Great advice on not committing atrocities, always. 😉
    Easter candy is for all…except those with certain medical conditions…or allergies…or who don’t like it.
    Hoppy Easter!

  2. As a non-religious person, I still have enjoyed Easter candy. Now I’m Vegan and I haven’t gone to the vegan candy store, I’m having smoothies with cocoa. Enjoy that candy! There is nothing on earth like those eggs produced by that cute, adorable bunny! Go for it! 🙂

  3. I’m agnostic, but I was raised Baptist. I make sure my kids get a visit from the Easter Bunny, but I do try to expose them to church every once and a while, it’s only fair they have the opportunities I did to make the choice for themselves…

  4. AthenaC says:

    Interesting – if it helps, there are quite a few Christians who avoid Easter candy because it’s “un-Christian” and “secular.” Logically, Easter candy cannot simultaneously be Christian and un-Christian, so somebody has to be wrong.

    I would agree that candy has no religious affiliation – I mean, why was it made in the first place? It’s part of the Big Food Industrial Complex conspiracy to make us all obese. Or if you don’t buy that, then it was simply made with the motive of making a quick buck. It’s not as if it was made by Benedictine monks chanting while they lovingly crafted each chocolate bunny.

    So go ahead and indulge – my favorites are all the fun jellybean flavors that come out this time of year. But be advised if some well-meaning Christian accosts you with a smile and a vulgar, “Happy Easter!” the polite thing to do is to smile back and reply with, “Thanks, you too!”

  5. List of X says:

    Atheists don’t have to worry about going to Hell, but should still worry about diabetes. Especially after getting tons of Easter candy on sale tomorrow.

  6. lynn k scott says:

    I say eat it. But if you want to be totally safe…do this. Tomorrow, said candy will be 50-75% off. If you take advantage of eating rabbit-shaped candy by purchasing it on clearance, then you are smart and thrifty shopper. No parent could possibly complain about saving money on a food purchase. Ok, it’s a good theory, not sure it would hold (parental) water though.

  7. Fingerling says:

    Nothing on this earth will get between me and my Reese’s eggs or Cadbury Creme Eggs. NOTHING.

  8. Loved this line: “I don’t know if Atheist guilt is as powerful as Catholic guilt, but I’m sure the guilt of going against your parents’ wishes is pretty much the same no matter what religion you are.” Pretty much sums up the problem with religion, in my view. (Yes, I’m an atheist. Yes, I eat chocolate bunnies regularly.)
    Guilie @ Quiet Laughter

  9. We’re a bunch of Atheists in this house, and that rabbit came to visit us. 🙂 We also dyed eggs…and we’re making cupcakes. We call it a Spring Celebration…the bunnies and eggs certainly fit with a celebration of Spring. (I guess we’re going closer to the Pagan symbols and rituals for the holiday, but we don’t have any religious significance with any of it…more of a “cupcakes are delicious” kind of thing.) 😉 Of course, we celebrate Christmas, too. I guess we’re just poorly-behaved Atheists. 😀

  10. I don’t celebrate Easter as a religious festival either, Austin, but I do like chocolate. Chocolate eggs were three for the price of two this weekend in the supermarket so I bought one for my hubby, my daughter and myself. Mine was gone by Saturday, so I’ll have a look for bargains on Tuesday (they might be three for the price of one by then). 😉

  11. Haha! I was raised Catholic with all the guilt that comes with it, and now I’m an atheist who respects what can’t be known about the mysterious workings of the universe. I can assure you that the only guilt associated with that is just remnants from childhood fearmongering. I can also assure you that those milk chocolate bunnies are hollow inside and overrated. I can also tell you that Peeps belong in contest dioramas, not in anyone’s mouth.

  12. adamjasonp says:

    Candy’s not bad for your faith (or lack thereof). It’s bad for your teeth, skin, pancreas, eyes…

  13. Pingback: Sunday Jumble Spoiler – 04/05/15 | Unclerave's Wordy Weblog

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