Who Picks Up The Check When Zeus And Pope Francis Go To Lunch?

Despite the ugly weather, I’d decided to go out for a walk.  I was hoping the fresh air would clear my head of the thoughts that were leading me down a path darkened by black clouds and despair.

The walk didn’t do much to help my mood, and when I returned to The House on the Hill, I discovered that a very important god was waiting for me on my porch.

“I was getting ready to hurl some lightning bolts to see if that would send you scampering back home,” Zeus said with a huge smile on his face as he stood up to embrace me.

“I had no idea you were waiting,” I apologized as best I could to the Father of the Greek Gods.  “Why didn’t you just go inside?”

“Because unlike your other guests, I was raised on Mount Olympus, not in a barn,” he countered with a mighty laugh.

I was thrilled to see Zeus, who hadn’t been around much such the disappointment of Election Day.

If you recall, Modern Philosophers, Zeus had been Mayor McCheese’s campaign manager.  After  Governor LePage won reelection, both the candidate and his campaign manager had vanished.

“How have you been?” I asked my guest as I handed him a Snapple and we settled in on the couch.

“Still trying to get the bitter taste of defeat out of my mouth,” Zeus admitted as he took a huge sip of his Snapple to help with that process.  “I haven’t seen McCheese in months.  I hear he’s in Tibet.”

Mayor McCheese’s whereabouts would be a blog post for another day.  I had a sense that Zeus wasn’t here just to shoot the breeze.

“So what brings you back to Maine?” I inquired, hoping the answer wouldn’t be painful.

“As much as I want to catch up with you, I am here on official business,” Zeus informed me with a half smile.  “I had lunch with your pal Pope Francis yesterday, and he asked me to have a chat with you.”

That information left me perplexed.  Pope Francis and I Skyped often, so I wondered what he could possibly want to convey to me that he couldn’t tell me himself.

“Is the Pope’s computer broken?  Did one of the Cardinals download a virus again while trying to watch the soccer matches?”  I hoped my attempt at humor would counter the effect of whatever bad news Zeus was about to dump on me.

“Frankie wanted to tell you this himself, but he thought it would be more powerful if this message from God was given to you by another god,” Zeus explained with a shrug.

I gulped.  “A message from God?  Those are never good.  Is it about why Winter won’t end?  Is this really the Snowpocalypse?  Has End of Days arrived?”

Zeus rested a mighty hand on my shoulder to settle me, and he motioned for me to take a drink of my Snapple.  I complied by chugging half the bottle.

“The thing of it is, buddy, God is pissed.  And He’s pissed specifically at you.”

I almost dropped my Snapple.  Something churned in my stomach.  I immediately felt extremely lightheaded.

The Catholic Guilt was kicking in.  Big time.

“God is pissed at me?” I asked as my entire body trembled.  “Is this about all the Sunday blog posts with The Devil?  Those are really popular with my readers, so I’ve just kept writing them.  I can stop them immediately if that’s what God wants!”

Zeus shook his head.  “The way Frankie put it, God has chosen you to spread His message via your blog.  Whenever He needs you to post something, He sends an Archangel as a courier.  Does this all sound familiar?”

Of course it did.  God had sent the Archangel Rachel, the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, as His intermediary.  Somewhere along the line, which I estimate to be the moment I first laid eyes upon Rachel, I’d fallen madly in love with her.

“This Angel has been unable to approach you with God’s word because you have banished her from The House on the Hill?” Zeus asked.  “I told Frankie that didn’t sound at all like you because, aside from Zombies, you are warm and inviting to all Otherworldly Beings.”

Which was true.  Except for the ones that had broken my heart.

“I might have made it clear to the Archangel that I was pissed at her, and she might be afraid to show her face around here,” I managed to get out between the dry heaves.

Zeus looked at me in an extremely puzzled manner.  “I’m not sure what’s going on, Austin, but you need to clear the air with this Archangel if she is being sent to you with messages from your God.  What’s the Angel’s name again?”

“Rachel,” I whispered since merely saying her name hurt so much.

“You need to fix things with Rachel,” Zeus advised.  “Frankie made it clear that the Big Guy was not pleased with you, and that this never ending Winter was just one way He was punishing you for your actions.”

I knew this horrible Winter wasn’t an accident!

But how was I going to make this right?  Rachel wasn’t exactly my favorite being right now.  She was supposed to be my Guardian Angel, but I’d entrusted her with my heart, and she’d crushed it.

Of course, if I didn’t fix this, God was going to crush me under an avalanche of snow.  What do I do???