IRS: Cut The $@#&, We Know You Cheated On Your Taxes!

pulpYou’re busted, Modern Philosophers.

That incessant pounding on your front door is probably agents of the IRS coming to have a little chat about this year’s tax return.

You did remember to file your taxes, right?  It is April 15.

Anything you’d like to confess before the angry gentlemen in the sharp suits burst into your living room to follow up on your paperwork?  Did you want to check your math one last time?  Perhaps rethink a couple of your deductions?

According to an anonymous source with knowledge of such matters (Modern Philosophers are everywhere!), the IRS is well aware that people cheat on their income taxes.

“The IRS is part of the Government, which means that they have access to all that NSA eavesdropping data, and every sort of spying device that makes Big Brother Conspiracy Theorists run like hell to get off the grid,” my source told me.  “The IRS is like Santa Claus, only they can send you to jail and take away all your assets.”

Ho, Ho, Hell No!

IRSSo if the IRS knows people are cheating on their taxes, why don’t they do something about it?

“Oh, they will,” my source revealed and then followed that with maniacal laughter.  “The IRS keeps meticulous records, and they are extreme opportunists.  They might wait for you to run for public office before they make your cheating public knowledge.”

“More likely, however, they will wait until they need a favor,” my source continued.  “There will be a knock on your door in the middle of the night, and a couple of scary men in matching suits will be there to remind you of that time you cheated on your taxes.  Then they will ask a favor of you.  If you comply, your sins will be forgotten.  If you refuse, then the men leave your home either with you in handcuffs or in a body bag.  It just depends on their mood that day.”

I filed my taxes back in February, when I braved a blizzard to walk to the Bangor Public Library to have tax professionals do my taxes for free.  I’ve long since received my refunds and my conscience is clear.

The IRS refused to comment for this article, but I could hear the agent typing away at a keyboard while she had me on the line.  I’m positive she was looking me up in the computer to make sure I wasn’t on the IRS Naughty List.

honestyWhile she would not give me a formal statement, the agent did ask me to pass along the following message to my readers: “Remind them that honesty is always the best policy.”

I swear I could sense that she winked after she said that.

What about you, Modern Philosophers?  Have you filed your taxes?  Were you 100% honest in the work you submitted, or are you suddenly very afraid that there is going to be a knock at your door?  Do you think it’s time for another Boston Tea Party to protest such high levels of taxation?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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33 Responses to IRS: Cut The $@#&, We Know You Cheated On Your Taxes!

  1. floridaborne says:

    I have an accountant do my taxes each year. He’s incredible! I got mine out of the way early, too. I don’t make enough money as a self-employed person to tax, but I do have a lot of little deductions for business purposes (office supplies, mileage, etc.). It’s a pain in the butt to get it all on a spreadsheet. I’d rather pay the same amount of income and property taxes that my great grandparents paid. That’s because there were no property or income taxes. 🙂

  2. Sabina says:

    My taxes got a bit complicated this year because I earned income in two different states, but I took care of them early and it was actually pretty painless. No tears this year, which is the first time in 4 years I can say that. Hooray!

  3. grannyK says:

    Mine were done in January and self-employment tax paid! I like to get it out of the way.

  4. AthenaC says:

    Of course honesty is the best policy, but how does one define “honesty”? And while we’re on the subject, what is “truth” anyway?

    The important things to keep in mind are:

    1) What they look at (ex. always ALWAYS report all your income)
    2) What they don’t (certain deductions fall into this category)

    Note: None of the above should be construed as encouragement to “cheat” on your taxes, however you or the IRS defines “cheating.”

  5. Glenda says:

    All right, smart ass; for those of us who don’t get refunds, we wait until the last minute!

  6. My wife does our taxes, but she’s an accountant. Doesn’t help though, because they (the IRS) are still on our payroll, so we’d still owe them money. We had thought about firing them, but they’re TOO good at they’re job now. And the economy is so bad, we don’t want to contribute to it by laying them off. We just hope they don’t decide to unionize. Then they’ll be in the front of our house for sure!

  7. The Cutter says:

    I usually get a refund, so maybe I am cheating. Either that, or I’m just paying too much during the year. Oh well, either way it’s like FREE MONEY!

  8. You know I completed my taxes the night before. It’s just a matter of waiting, which is never so much fun.

  9. Nahp. Well… I am paid in Australian money… so our Tax time is after the fiscal year… so I have a couple of months yet before I get any appropriate paperwork to start! Let’s just hope the ATO (Australian Tax Office – our answer to IRS) is not in cahoots with the IRS! LOL

  10. Ocean Bream says:

    Are you trying to scare the poor folk into doing their taxes right? It’s funny, here in the UK we have no such thing. We get our income after tax. So let’s say you earn 37,000 this year. Well too bad, son. You are only getting 27,950.

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