That incessant pounding on your front door is probably agents of the IRS coming to have a little chat about this year’s tax return.
You did remember to file your taxes, right? It is April 15.
Anything you’d like to confess before the angry gentlemen in the sharp suits burst into your living room to follow up on your paperwork? Did you want to check your math one last time? Perhaps rethink a couple of your deductions?
According to an anonymous source with knowledge of such matters (Modern Philosophers are everywhere!), the IRS is well aware that people cheat on their income taxes.
“The IRS is part of the Government, which means that they have access to all that NSA eavesdropping data, and every sort of spying device that makes Big Brother Conspiracy Theorists run like hell to get off the grid,” my source told me. “The IRS is like Santa Claus, only they can send you to jail and take away all your assets.”
Ho, Ho, Hell No!
“Oh, they will,” my source revealed and then followed that with maniacal laughter. “The IRS keeps meticulous records, and they are extreme opportunists. They might wait for you to run for public office before they make your cheating public knowledge.”
“More likely, however, they will wait until they need a favor,” my source continued. “There will be a knock on your door in the middle of the night, and a couple of scary men in matching suits will be there to remind you of that time you cheated on your taxes. Then they will ask a favor of you. If you comply, your sins will be forgotten. If you refuse, then the men leave your home either with you in handcuffs or in a body bag. It just depends on their mood that day.”
I filed my taxes back in February, when I braved a blizzard to walk to the Bangor Public Library to have tax professionals do my taxes for free. I’ve long since received my refunds and my conscience is clear.
The IRS refused to comment for this article, but I could hear the agent typing away at a keyboard while she had me on the line. I’m positive she was looking me up in the computer to make sure I wasn’t on the IRS Naughty List.
I swear I could sense that she winked after she said that.
What about you, Modern Philosophers? Have you filed your taxes? Were you 100% honest in the work you submitted, or are you suddenly very afraid that there is going to be a knock at your door? Do you think it’s time for another Boston Tea Party to protest such high levels of taxation?