How To Tell If Your Date Plans To Kill You

bad dateNow that we have established that I’m not very good at reading women, and that women aren’t always direct when they have disappointing news after a date (That’s (Not) What She Said), I’ve decided I need to be better prepared before my next date.

Friends are always telling me to be more careful about meeting women via online dating.  I didn’t think much of it as I didn’t see a blind date as much of a threat.  However, now that my eyes have been opened to how naive I am, I realize I must fear for my life every time I go on a first date.

So, I decided to come up with various lists to prepare me for pretty much anything.  I thought I’d share this one with you first, Modern Philosophers.

Please note, this is not meant to be sexist.  Since I am a male who dates females, the date in this post will be referred to as a woman.  The information works just as well for male dates, so just change the pronouns to fit your needs.

How To Tell If You Date Plans To Kill You… 

datingAsk her to pick the place for the date.  If she picks some out of the way locale, recommends a hike deep into the woods, decides to take you sailing, wants to go to a cemetery, or proposes hanging out at that abandoned building at the edge of town that everyone suspects is haunted, she plans to kill you.

Be especially suspicious if you see a shovel, a tarp, duct tape, rope, handcuffs, flashlights, a body bag, chains, or anything that can be used to weigh down a body.

Ask her to pick you up.  If she asks you to ride in the trunk or to hide under a blanket in the backseat, she is doing that so that no one sees you in her vehicle as she plans to kill you.  The same logic holds true if she announces that she’s mapped out a route that avoids traffic cameras and any security cameras along the way.

If she asks you to put on gloves, a hairnet, and booties over your shoes before you get into her car, she is planning to kill you.  She wants you to wear those things to prevent your DNA from getting inside her vehicle.

Young couple celebrating with red wine at restaurantAsk her flat out if she plans to kill you.  If she says “No” too quickly and/or emphatically, or simply laughs off the question and immediately changes the subject, she plans to kill you.

If she has no plan to kill you, she will most likely go off on a rant about how much of an idiot you are for having brought up the question.  Of course, the big risk here is that you will upset her so much that she will decide to kill you.  So, when you ask, be prepared to laugh it off, or to distract her with something like a magic trick or the gift of jewelry.

Tell her you are deathly allergic to something, and then ask her to order for you while you go to the bathroom.  If she orders you something that contains that item, she plans to kill you.

I highly recommend that you NEVER tell your date about any deathly allergies, just to be on the safe side.  You don’t want that to come back to bite you at a later date.

Check for tails or any suspicious characters taking too much of an interest in the two of you.  If anyone is following you or watching you on your date, it’s most likely someone working with your date to kill you.  This is a very scary scenario because it probably means she’s killed before, had some trouble doing it on her own, and now understands that she needs professional help to get the job done right.

dating 4Pat her down for weapons.  Try to make it playful like you are giving her the world’s longest, most intrusive hug, but really pat her down well.  Don’t forget to check her purse.  Women carry everything they need to survive in there, but I’m sure she could make a little room for a weapon.

Clearly, if she is armed, she plans to kill you.  There is no other reason to carry a concealed weapon on a date.

Plant a female friend at the location, have her follow your date into the restroom, and then have your friend make small talk with her.  Instruct your friend ask your date if she plans to kill you.  For some reason, women are oddly truthful with total stranger in restrooms.  If she answers in the affirmative, she plans to kill you.

Find a way to access her browser history before your date.  If there are any suspicious internet searches like “How to get away with murdering your date” or “The best way to look good while committing murder on a date”, then she plans to kill you.

Reveal that your doctor just told you that you have only three months to live.  If she acts all relieved and like a huge burden has just been lifted from her shoulders, she had planned to kill you.

This one will buy you some time, but if you’re still seeing her in three months, you’re going to be in trouble again.

dating 5Paperwork.  If she asks you to list her as the beneficiary on the life insurance policy she purchased for you as a first date gift, she plans to kill you.

Hopefully, these tips will keep you safe and help you to find true love before you meet with a grisly and untimely death…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

140 Responses to How To Tell If Your Date Plans To Kill You

  1. henriettamross14 says:

    You forgot daddy issues.

  2. D. Parker says:

    This is all very, no, vitally important advice.
    Be careful out there, Austin, seems like the dating world is even scarier than I remember. 😉

    • Austin says:

      This is why I’m trying to get this post out to as many people as possible. Hopefully, it goes viral. You know, to save the world and all. 🙂

  3. I remember when my husband of now asked me out on our first date…first I was uncertain if it was a date or not, second I was concerned it was his plot to kill me. He chose a restaurant on top of a skyscraper and the last time we had spoken 14 years before just after I had dumped him in junior high he had told me “you will pay for this!” Needless to say I was texting my friends regularly…”still on the top of the building and not crushed on the pavement yet” updates.
    Love this post btw so fun!

  4. adamjasonp says:

    One of your best posts…

  5. AthenaC says:

    Couple of signs you missed:

    – She asks what you do for a living.

    This means that she is assessing how much of a fight you will put up when she tries to kill you and she is changing her planned tactic accordingly.

    – She asks how your day was.

    This means she is trying to put you at ease which will give her the advantage of the element of surprise.

    – She pays you a compliment of any sort.

    She is secretly thinking how much she would prefer to see you as a lifeless corpse.

    Just looking out for you,

    Athena

  6. floridaborne says:

    Wow! The paranoids guide to dating: And a very funny guide it is, too. 🙂

  7. markbialczak says:

    What does it mean if she laughs at your nervousness and declares, “You slay me,” Austin?

  8. I absolutely LOVE THIS. I was actually laughing out loud reading this, and spit my tea out. So on point. This can totally work for us women trying to figure out if those crazy boy/men are trying to kill us as well. I better make sure I don’t tell the next one that I have Gluten issues. I just might end up in the ER. lmao 😉

  9. ROFL! Taking this guide to heart!

    Scene: Local coffee shop, 2 pm

    A Chaos Fairy: So, tell me more about you.

    Some guy: Well, I never go anywhere without my gun. Want to see?

    A Chaos Fairy: You’re armed?!?! It’s 2:30 in the afternoon?!?! And you’re drinking a triple espresso?

    Some guy: Yep, you can never be too safe. Oh, and I have a knife as backup. *Puts his foot on the table and pulls up his pant leg to reveal his knife strapped to his ankle*

    A Chaos Fairy: I have to go use the restroom….

    True story. Well, except for the exact kind of caffeinated beverage he had–I don’t remember that part lol

  10. Trish says:

    You really should stop dating women from craigslist…just sayin.

  11. Glad I’m married. It’s a zoo out there!

  12. Joseph Nebus says:

    But … wouldn’t having this very article in her browser history indicate she’s looking for the “tells” that might give her plan away?

    • Austin says:

      If she hadn’t cleared this article from her browser history, that tells me she isn’t very bright. That’s just another red flag to stay away from her…

  13. This is hysterical! My favorite…”Ask her flat out if she plans to kill you.” I’ve never checked out an online dating site, but I assume they list their hobbies and interests, correct? Check for: murdering people. ha!

    • Austin says:

      They might not list that, but there could be: “Likes to walk on far away, secluded beaches”, “Prefers hikes into deep, dark forests”, and “Digging holes that are 6 feet deep and 7 feet long”. Those are warning signs!

  14. Charming. A high school teacher once told me he lost his virginity in the grave plot of his local cemetery on Halloween night. I find this less cliche than losing your virginity on prom night, although it’s still cliche.

  15. ksbeth says:

    So funny and I can identify with this as I was an on-line dater too. Always stayed safe and met in a public place. I saw it as a great adventure and rarely got nervous, have fun!

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  17. Dating sure has changed since I tried it last. I believe my white hair is wound even tighter now. Do be careful out there. 😀 😀 😀

  18. JED says:

    Couldn’t you just ask Lucifer for help in screening the potential dates. I would think if they were a killer he might have some knowledge of this. For others though your advice is sound although no one should consider these the only tell-tell signs. The list could probably fill the pages of a paperback if you had all the signs pointed out.

  19. LRose says:

    Just last night I was out with family and friends and was berated by a friend for “not getting out there.” I tried to protest (READ: I tried to get him to shut it), but he was adamant I sign up on a dating site (been there, absolutely not doing that again). I forwarded him a link to your post this morning, so thanks for the timely backup.

  20. List of X says:

    She could be armed because she thinks that you may want to kill her. After all, you’re the one going through her browser history, having an accomplice trail her, and asking some strange questions.

  21. I’m certainly glad that I am already married, I’m sure you would have thought I was out to kill you. 🙂

  22. Oh you just would…..

  23. sheketechad says:

    Oh, dear. Since I have all of those things in my car, plus a packed backpack and my hiking boots, I’m beginning to get an idea of why…well, need I say more?

  24. Sabina says:

    This is hilarious! Funny about the concealed weapon, since once I did go on a date with a guy who had a gun on him. Let’s just say there was no second date.

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  26. I burst into tears. Laughing! Great post. How did you ever come up with that!! LOL. 😄

  27. rowanaliya says:

    Clearly you need to take Daryl on your dates from now on. I employ the letting someone know at all times where I am technique, just in case my date is planning on killing me. Let’s face it this is L.A. and it is possible.

  28. grhambley says:

    Love the piece!

    Ahhhhhhhh that concealed weapon thingy. Have you considered she might be thinking you might kill her?

    As for women not being direct, well one of the things I tell people is that we humans get stuck sometimes because we forget we are animals. Now by nature an animal female has to be more cunning and conniving. It isn’t a plot, it’s nature.

    Lastly … I’ll return to read you again!

  29. melissajane14 says:

    It’s nice to read that someone has the same foul luck with the opposite sex as I do…at least you haven’t given up and you haven’t lost your sense of humor. Speaking of which, thank you for liking my blog post in which I openly admit to attempting some humor. All the best!

  30. lbeth1950 says:

    Don’t be so critical. Everyone has their little flaws.

  31. Man, I have been there.

  32. Author Tamie Dearen says:

    Reblogged this on Writing, Reading, Books, and Stuff and commented:
    Great advice, especially if you’re involved in online dating. LOL

  33. I enjoyed this post Austin, glad to see that you’re still alive and kicking.

    • Austin says:

      Thanks, Jean. I think I’m going to write a book of dating tips. A dating failure like me must know something, right?

      • Great idea for a book, but I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. The dating world is very different to what it was before internet and smartphone. Lots more competition and choice. It must be like a battlefield. Glad I’m not one of the soldiers (at the moment, anyway). 😉

      • Austin says:

        If love is a battlefield, then I’m going AWOL!

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  36. All valid concerns, truly a must-read guide for anyone in the dating game.

    However, keep in mind that generally speaking, most women are planning to kill their men, they just prefer to do it slowly through years of nagging, emotional blackmail, and questions that the man can’t possibly answer in any conceivable way without suffering her wrath.

  37. Lots of tips to avoid being murdered Austin, makes me wonder have you met any scary ladies in the past?

  38. Vince says:

    See, this is why I don’t date. That way nobody will ever try to kill me.
    I like to tempt fate every now and again. 😉

  39. womanpulse says:

    You are so crazy. So creative, I loved it

  40. At first I read “check for tails” as in the previous incarnation of the coccyx. Which frankly would also be a good way to tell if your date is planning to kill you.

  41. Margaretha says:

    So glad I don’t have to date anymore. Very well written.

  42. Ok, I had some seriously LOL moments when I read this post! 🙂

  43. Silly Mummy says:

    Haha! Yes, definitely – if your date turns up with a shovel and a life insurance policy to benefit her, back away!

  44. Glad I’m not in the dating scene these days. I think murdering my date would be nasty business.

  45. Such a fun read, Austin! I re-met my now-husband on facebook a few years ago. Turns out we were living in the same Northern California City and were both available. I found out he is a windsurfer and I told him I was interested in learning. So I “learned” at age 49 and nearly killed myself in the process!

  46. Tony says:

    When I first read “check for tails” my brain immediately jumped to “of course a monster or a monkey or a demon would have a tail and want to … oh I have to keep reading”.

    Still, I think checking your date for a tail isn’t UNreasonable.

  47. sizzlesue15 says:

    It has been too long for me to remember the dating ‘game’. Seems to be fraught with danger these days LOL:)

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