I Reject Your Offer Of An Acting Career

Nite Show DannyIsn’t it a glorious Sunday, Modern Philosophers?

Did you start off your day like I did by having breakfast and watching the recording of your latest TV appearance?  If you didn’t, I highly recommend you try it some time.

Yes, last night’s episode of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman featured (was centered around?) my latest adventure in front of the camera.

We did a sketch in which Danny introduced the show’s writers, and we then had to tell the audience our favorite thing about writing for The Nite Show.  Want to hear my line?

My favorite thing about writing for The Nite Show is peppering Danny with jokes about zombies, time travel, and Star Wars, and then waiting to see how long it takes before he cracks and finally uses one.

That’s comedy gold right there, Modern Philosophers!

Since the show has aired, I can now share some of my jokes that didn’t make it into Danny’s monologue.  Here are the Sunday Rejects…

FavoriteWhat’s with all the snow?  Maine hasn’t seen this much white powder since Guns N Roses’ flight was diverted to Bangor International Airport during their Appetite For Destruction tour…

The latest entry in the Fast and the Furious franchise, Furious 7, has broken April box office records.  Upon seeing the numbers, Disney announced that they have  renamed the next Star Wars movie Wars 7…

The 49th annual Kenduskeag Stream Canoe Race was held today.  Because of the harsh winter, rather than paddling their canoes down the stream, participants just ran across the ice, dragging their canoes behind them…

Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer airs this week.  The former Olympic Decathlon Champion reportedly told Sawyer that the most difficult part of transitioning to being a woman has been coming to terms with the fact that he’ll never again be able to toss his javelin…

Two men from Montreal took their sons on a 2,000 mile, 34 hour journey to get Kentucky Fried Chicken in Corbin, Kentucky, the first time the boys had ever eaten KFC.  I can’t wait to hear what they do the first time the lads want to try moonshine…

Earth Day is Wednesday, which celebrates the day the Earth was invented…

Earth Day is Wednesday.  Wind and Fire Days have yet to be scheduled…

Earth Day is Wednesday, which as you know, is the day we celebrate our planet’s independence from the Evil Martian Overlords…

Nite Show SetFox is bring back The X-Files, which leads me to believe that while the truth might still be out there, ideas for original TV shows apparently are not…

Public support is growing for a National Park in Northern Penobscot County.  This park’s version of Old Faithful will be a snow blower that automatically fires up every hour to clear away the freshly fallen snow…

Tomorrow is the start of Bedbugs Awareness Week.  I’m not sure why there needs to be such a week because I’m certain that if I had bedbugs, I’d be well aware of it…

Tomorrow is Record Store Day.  After the show, we can all pile into my time machine, and I’ll show you whippersnappers what a record store was…

Tuesday is National Library Workers’ Day.  Shhhhhhh!  Don’t clap too loudly!

Nite Show logo 2On this date in history in 1981, Pawtucket and Rochester began their 33 inning game.  Aside from being one of the longest games in minor league history, it still holds the record for most beer ever sold at a baseball game not played in Boston…

What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Did my Sunday Rejects make you laugh?

Did you pick up on the fact that there were jokes about time travel and Star Wars in the batch as a nod to my speaking part later in the show?  I regret that I couldn’t figure out a way to sneak a zombie joke in there as well…

The Nite Show airs on Saturday nights in Maine.  You can also support the show by liking its Facebook page, watching clips on its YouTube channel, or following it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.

The next taping is on April 29.  Hope to see you there!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to I Reject Your Offer Of An Acting Career

  1. Ah, my latest TV appearance? No. Snapshot or IG, yes. Congrats to you and your Eggs Austin!

  2. I laughed at the quip about bed bugs. There’s a chapter about them in my draft manuscript, actually, Yes, you’d be well aware of it, and you’d be in pain. Oozing pain. Ew.

  3. floridaborne says:

    I was just about to take a sip of water when I read “…never again be able to toss his javelin…” I’m glad there wasn’t anything in my mouth that could ruin my keyboard when I laughed.
    The Bedbugs one was funny.
    A few of them were snow good. 🙂

    I can’t imagine why most of the jokes weren’t used.

  4. markbialczak says:

    Bruce Jenner’s javelin, and the Wind and Fire Days to come are my favorite two rejects this time around, Austin. Good ones!

    By the way, with your newly lowered ears, I think you look a bit like Chevy Chase circa ‘Saturday Night LIve’ in this photo!

  5. adamjasonp says:

    Of course, the X-Files joke. Some of the others I don’t think would work well delivered by Danny… And I say, Danny, ’cause there were a lot of Cashmans on the stage that night! Brother, father…

  6. I liked the one about no original tv series ideas being out there, but it also made me sad, because it is too true. Then again I watch too much television anyways.

  7. jan says:

    Loved the bedbugs, the National Library Days, Guns and Roses – oh heck, they all put a smile on my face.

  8. Yeah, we can’t forget about those nasty, Martian overlords. Thanks for making me laugh. I really needed that.

    • Austin says:

      You’re welcome. So few people understand the true meaning of Earth Day. They’ve commercialized it so much, that the Martian Independence is lost…

  9. JED says:

    I liked Wars 7 and it actually sounds like a good idea to me. Differentiate it from the original. I myself have had KFC in Corbin, Kentucky (I once lived there for a few months). It really wasn’t that exciting. Now moonshine might be more interesting.

  10. dray0308 says:

    Funny X Files joke

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