Citing a desire to embrace its heritage, while also differentiating itself from the growing number of fast food burger chains across the country, the home of Ronald McDonald has decided to go in a completely different direction.
“We’re keeping all the old favorites, don’t worry about that,” Mayor McCheese explained during the packed news conference. “You will still be able to get your Big Mac, Quarter Pounder With Cheese, and Filet O’ Fish, but they will just be more Irish.”
When pressed on what he meant by “more Irish”, McCheese explained, “The hamburgers and fish will be replaced by corned beef, cabbage will replace the lettuce, boiled potatoes will replace the french fries, and everything will be served on Irish soda bread.”
The shocked silence of the gathered press corps was broken only by the dry heaving of several journalists.
“Our Marketing Department has told us that we are losing ground to all the other burger establishments,” McCheese pleaded with the displeased crowd, which was deciding whether to riot, or just run to the nearest Burger King. “The research also makes it clear that America has a completely untapped Irish fast food market!”
The once proud politician and runner up in this year’s Maine Gubernatorial Election, made one last ditch effort to win back his audience. “As far as beverages go, we will now only be serving Shamrock Shakes and beer.”
Later, Mayor McCheese clarified that Happy Meals had only the Shamrock Shakes option.
The big loser in all this, aside from most fast food enthusiasts, is Hamburglar. The only member of the McDonald’s publicity crew with a criminal record, the Hamburglar had found redemption under the Golden Arches.
However, there is no place for him now with the new Irish menu.
“You can’t have a Hamburglar when there are no longer any hamburgers to burgle,” Mayor McCheese stated in the role of Captain Obvious. “He is a dear friend who I have worked with for decades, but the heartless suits up in Marketing said that renaming him Beefburglar just sounded too naughty and borderline pornographic.”
Hamburglar has been kicked to the curb, along with the all beef patties and fish filets. It’s probably only a matter of time before the poor guy finds himself in trouble with the law again, Modern Philosophers.
McDonald’s executives had originally planned to roll out the new menu in time for St. Patrick’s Day, but franchise owners threatened a lawsuit if the change was made to the Irish boiled dinner concept.
Finally, after months of legal wrangling, everyone who still owns a McDonald’s is excited about the big change. McCheese would not comment on how the lawsuit was avoided, but sources tell this Modern Philosopher that many Leprechauns across America dipped into their pots o’ gold and are now the proud owners of McDonald’s restaurants.
The new McMenu will debut over Memorial Day Weekend, so if you are a fan of Big Macs, the Royale with Cheese, or McDonald’s french fries, you have a little over a month to stockpile those items.
Are you McLovin’ it, Modern Philosophers?