“Smart” Ice Cream Offers Faster Fix For Sadness And Broken Hearts

The next time life has you down, Modern Philosophers, and you reach for that quart of ice cream to make it all better, expect much quicker results!

Scientists at Maine’s prestigious Chamberlain Laboratories have created a Smart Ice Cream, which they claim will turn that frown upside down and mend a broken heart at incredible speeds.

“We can’t divulge our secret formula, but suffice it to say that the ingredients will send messages to your brain convincing it that you are happier than you’ve ever been,” Chamberlain Labs spokesman Robin Breyer informed this Modern Philosopher.

According to Breyer, the quest to create a Smart Ice Cream, began as a joke.

“A few of the scientists were commiserating about recent break ups, and they all admitted to turning to ice cream to help mend their broken hearts.  Then another talked about how he had gone on an ice cream bender after the death of his grandfather,” she explained.

“Someone joked that if they created a super ice cream, they could wipe out depression.  A light bulb went off, and the next thing we knew, Chamberlain Labs was one of the largest ice cream makers in Maine.”

Normally, the lab has to pay people to participate in experiments.  In the case of the Smart Ice Cream development, however, they actually had to use a lottery system because so many people wanted to be a part of the product testing.  Who wouldn’t want free ice cream that makes you super happy?

According to the data Chamberlain Labs filed when when applying for their patents, the first batches of the Smart Ice Cream tasted great, but didn’t do much for the participants’ psyche.  All it really did was add to their waistline, as the caloric count was off the charts in the early stages.

“We are proud to say that our Smart Ice Cream tastes delicious and is less fattening than most other ice creams,” Breyer boasted.  “So now when you eat your feelings, you’re going to make yourself feel better, and not have to worry about your figure in the process.”

While the USFDA has given the Smart Ice Cream its seal of approval, there are still detractors out there.

Dr. Xavier Philes, a leading psychiatrist, says it’s not right to tell people to use food as a crutch.  “Society should rely on therapy and pharmaceuticals to help them with depression and heartbreak.  Not food!”

Then there’s self proclaimed “Food Purist” Mikayla Font who told this Modern Philosopher:  “Food is meant to be pure, natural, and of the earth.  It should never be tinkered with by nerds in lab coats, who only care about the bottom line, rather than our delicate palates.”

Even the religious foodies got in on this one.  “God created food, and we should eat it as He intended it.  Anyone who worships at the altar of smart food is committing idolatry, no matter how good it tastes.”

I was worried that the Smart Ice Cream contained some drug to induce such euphoria, but Breyer assured me that was not the case.

“It’s just science,” she promised as she offered me a giant bowl of chocolate peanut butter Smart Ice Cream.  “The only thing addicting about it is the taste.”

Smart Ice Cream is available in sixteen flavors, and will hit stores on May 1.  For more information, you can check out the Smart Ice Cream website, which is located at: ChamberlainLaboratories.com/SmartIceCream.

Chamberlain Labs advises you to seek medical help for ice cream headaches lasting more than four hours.

You should not operate a vehicle or heavy machinery when under the influence of Smart Ice Cream.

Side effects include chills, brain cramps, ice cream mustaches, and diabetes.  Enjoy responsibly!