Send In The (Angry/Sad) Clowns!

CA.0627.darkknightNow you’ve done it, Modern Philosophers!

You had to go and bad mouth clowns in the comment section of last night’s What Is Funny? post, and now I’ve been dealing with the backlash all day!

They’ve sent in the clowns…

…and they are pissed!

The “they” in this instance is the Silly Nutty Outstandingly Wonderful Clown Organization of New England (SNOW CONE), a Clown Rights group operating out of Boston.

Yummo, SNOW CONE’s Clown of the Highest Order, appeared on the doorstep of The House on the Hill this morning to air his grievances.

sad clownAfter throwing a bucket of confetti on me and then making a giant handkerchief with the word “BOO!” spelled out on it magically appear from my right ear, Yummo got down to business.

“Your readers have made the clowns of New England very upset, and they demand an apology,” Yummo informed me as he tapped his size 18 shoe impatiently on my front porch.  “Six circuses, thirty-one birthday party appearance, four balloon animal seminars, and an entire day of classes at Clown College had to be canceled because the clowns of SNOW CONE were too sad to perform.”

I offered Yummo a Snapple, but he refused, choosing instead to squirt seltzer water into his mouth directly from the bottle he dug out of his oversize bag of tricks.

I apologized for the disruption to the loves of his fellow clowns, but steadfastly stood behind my fellow Modern Philosophers.  I told Yummo that my readers had a right to share their Deep Thoughts, and that if they didn’t think clowns were funny, they shouldn’t be afraid to express that on a blog post about humor.

“I was afraid that would be your answer,” Yummo grumbled.

He then pulled a giant bicycle horn from his bag and honked it repeatedly.  That was followed by the sound of screeching tires as two clown cars sped down the block and then pulled up in front of The House on the Hill.

I was scared, Modern Philosophers.

clown carClowns piled out of the cars, and they never seemed to stop coming.  Clown after clown after clown appeared on my front lawn.

It was quite disturbing.  I rushed back into the house and double locked the door.  Even then, the clowns continued to multiple while Yummo paced across my porch.

“The clowns of SNOW CONE deserve an apology, and if you know what’s good for you, your readers better supply it!” Yummo yelled as I cowered and watched him through the living room window.

Clowns are frigging scary, and this many of them was downright apocalyptic!

Yummo then produced a giant balloon sword and a toy trumpet from his bag.  I knew this could not lead to anything good.

Gary the Gargoyle growled from the roof, but I told him to stand down (thank goodness that Gary’s keen sense of hearing allowed him to hear me as I hid in the living room).  The last thing I needed was clown blood spilled on my lawn.  I didn’t want to think about the publicity or the weird breed of Vampire that might attract.

“Apologize or you will pay!” Yummo declared.  Then he blew “Charge” on the trumpet, and things really got crazy.

The hundred or so clowns that had emerged from the two cars, charged across my lawn and rushed The House on the Hill.

clown pieEvery single one of them was armed with a whipped cream pie.

I’m still cleaning whipped cream off the front of my house.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should we apologize to Yummo and the well armed clowns of SNOW CONE? Or should we stand our ground and let them throw their arms out as they pelt The House on the Hill with whipped cream pies?  I’ll support whatever you decide.

If anyone wants to come help me clean, I’d be most appreciative…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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26 Responses to Send In The (Angry/Sad) Clowns!

  1. JED says:

    Wow that had to be quite a scene. I say stand our ground but then you never know what could be next. Clowns have access to lots of terrifying tricks up their sleeves and the backing of Circus performers, large animals and dare I say freaks. Really scary stuff and not a bit funny.

    Can Ti-Diana conjure up a protection spell for the house on the hill? Maybe rebound anything that comes its way right back at the attackers. That could be funny and send the clowns scrambling.

  2. Dunno… I’m on the clown’s side because they must be miserable for a reason. It just isn’t right for a clown to be miserable if we pay them to make our kids chuckle.

  3. D. Parker says:

    What a bunch of clowns! 😉

  4. jan says:

    I think those clowns were probably bussed in by the Coca-Cola brothers whose attempt to launch the Rodney MacDonald for President Campaign was severely impacted by your unfortunate attack on their brethren. I think your redemption can be bought with a whole bunch of Happy Meals. Best of luck…

  5. markbialczak says:

    Just a bunch of Bozos, Austin. Let’s fight for our right to be honker free!

  6. List of X says:

    A garden hose is surprisingly effective against a clown attack: once their clown make up get washed off, they turn into regular people…. who usually don’t appreciate being hosed with cold water either.
    But hey, it does get rid of the clowns!

  7. Pamela Edwards says:

    Send them over to Stephen King’s house , remind them of his clown ” Pennywise ” creepiest clown ever from ” It ” !

  8. Anita Stout says:

    You’re an artist with words. I saw the whole scene as I read. Keep on screenwriting.

    • Austin says:

      That is definitely my screenwriter influence. I’ve been told I’d be an excellent director since the screen direction in my scripts is so detailed. I really do see it all in my head as I’m writing it…

  9. Ally Bean says:

    Clowns are creepy. I’m all for anything that stops or slows down their reign of brightly colored terror. Sorry I even read this post. Will have bad dreams tonight, no doubt. I say, get rid of them no matter what the cost.

  10. Whatever. I’ll just be there with a spoon to help clean up after the whipped-cream clown frenzy! Will there be maraschino cherries provided?

  11. Hose them down, Pennywise is coming. They’ll float down heeeere, we all float down HERE!

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