The Avenging Fallen Angel

AvengersI was eating a big bowl of chocolate peanut butter ice cream, when the front door of The House on the Hill swept open without warning.

Feeling guilty about my midday snack, I scrambled to shove the bowl under the couch right before The Devil appeared in the entry way.

He held an enormous container of popcorn.

“I just went to the movies,” he announced as he sauntered into the living room in his $2,000 suit, with his hair perfectly slicked back, and his Italian loafers barely making a sound against the hardwood floor.

“Why did you go without me?” I asked defiantly as Lucifer sat down next to me and passed me the popcorn.

I couldn’t believe that the bucket was almost empty.  How did he eat like he did and remain in such amazing shape?

“Because unlike you, Austin, I prefer to go to the cinema on my own,” Satan quipped as he grabbed one of my napkins off the table and wiped the butter from his fingers.  “It’s much easier to conduct business that way should an opportunity present itself.”

I just rolled my eyes.  “Do you ever just leave work behind and relax?”

“Sure,” he quickly replied.  “When I’m here with you.”

DevilHe had a point.  The Prince of Darkness might be trying to eat me out of house and home, but he did respect my request that he never make an attempt to bargain for my eternal soul.

“So what did you see?” I asked as I picked at the popcorn that remained in what appeared to be a ten gallon bucket.

“The new Avengers film,” The Devil answered and reached for the newspaper.

“That’s it?” I pressed.  “You don’t tell a screenwriter and admitted movie geek that you went to see any movie and then don’t provide any details.  What did you think?”

Lucifer shrugged.  “Less Than Zero remains my favorite flick with Robert Downey, Jr. and James Spader, but this was pretty good.  The special effects were awesome, but the story left me wanting.”

First off, he earned major brownie points for the nod to Less Than Zero.  It’s one of my favorite books of all the time, and the movie was damn good.

Secondly, knocking the story?  Love it!  Tell me more.

“What was wrong with the story?” the jealous screenwriter in me needed to know.

Avengers 2“I know screenwriting is difficult, but do they really expect us to believe that The Avengers are so bad ass that they can defeat all foes?” The Prince of Darkness scoffed.  “Maybe the writers should try coming up with a real challenge for them.”

“I had no idea you were such a superhero geek,” I told him as I took a quick sip of my Snapple.  “Who would you suggest the screenwriters throw up against The Avengers in the next sequel?  I don’t know the comic books well enough to have any idea of the options.”

Satan chuckled and grabbed a Snapple from the cooler.  “I think they should have the mighty Avengers face off against me and see what happens.”

The Devil winked and took a long, confident pull on his Snapple.

I laughed.  “Are you serious?  Do you really think that you could defeat The Avengers?”

“Why are you laughing?” my guest asked as his face frosted over into an evil scowl.  “I’m the $%^&*# Prince of Darkness, dude.  I was a Guardian Angel just like your pretty girlfriend, so I’ve got all her kick ass skills, plus the nasty stuff that comes with giving yourself over to the Dark Side.  That’s right, I just went all Sith on you.”

Lucifer sprang up from the couch, made his pitchfork materialize out of nowhere, and wielded it as if he were a Sith Lord possessed by the spirit of Bruce Lee.

Avengers 3“I’d like to see Captain America and Iron Man try to deal with this avenging fallen Angel,” he shouted.  “The Hulk does not want to see what happens when I take on my true form and then Satan smashes!”

He continued with his display of disturbing maneuvers of death, so I reached under the couch for my bowl.  As I watched The Devil fight off imaginary Avengers, I ate my ice cream and thanked God I hadn’t had to sit through that lengthy movie with him.


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to The Avenging Fallen Angel

  1. Gwahaha! What a yarn… I’ll make sure tho give the film a miss. And Less Than Zero? Goodness – it’s been a zillion years since I saw that! I thought I was the only one who had… 😉

    • Austin says:

      Nope. The book is even better. Have you read it?

      Who knew back then that those actors would grow up to be Iron Man and Ultron?

      • I know, right?? 🙂 🙂 And James Spader is a long standing crush of mine. More so now in middle age than in his youth. Gorgeous. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Like a fine wine – or possibly great quantities of said wine – some of us have got better with age! Haven’t read the book… Must add to my list!

      • Austin says:

        He is wonderful on The Black List and was a hoot on Boston Legal. 🙂

  2. JED says:

    The devil sounds like a younger me after watching Karate Kid thinking I could do the crane kick. Telling my brothers to watch as I went all kung-fu on the door to my bedroom then complained for hours about my foot hurting. Good times.

  3. adamjasonp says:

    Satan v. The Avengers…that would be gory. Not fit for theaters.

  4. I’ve never seen an Avengers movie. Got about 20 mins into the first one and gave up. Mind you, I was expecting something featuring John Steed and a 1924 Bentley.

  5. Loved those Avengers too. Oh Mrs. Peel!

  6. markbialczak says:

    Even your old Satan would have some pause with this Avengers technology, Austin. Yikes!

  7. Another fan who likes her Avengers on small black and white screens, at a time when the female lead’s name is prefaced with a Mrs., assurance that she either kept her name or there is no funny business going on with Mr. Steed, take your pick.

  8. jsackmom says:

    This is brilliant well done, on this imaginative writing style. I went to see the new Avengers movie but my preschooler wouldn’t sit still for it so I lasted an hour all together. I look forward to watching it in the comfort of my own home when it comes out on DVD. Now excuse me I need to go and search for Less than Zero on Netflix. ☺️

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