After weeks of “war games” and “troop exercises” near the border it shares with Tuesday, Monday finally ordered several platoons to invade its neighbor to the right.
While the invaders were met and halted about three hours into Tuesday, the fact remains that they are now entrenched behind enemy lines and show no sign of giving ground.
Tuesday was clearly unprepared for the attack, as evidenced by how far Monday advanced before meeting any resistance. Is Tuesday that naive, or is Monday simply that diabolical?
The Calendar Commission has already imposed sanctions against Monday, and will convene an emergency session today to vote on whether it will send in its elite Time Troopers to assist Tuesday in repelling its invaders.
Tuesday has appealed to the other days of the week for aid, but at this time, it looks like only Wednesday is ready to help. Meanwhile, Thursday through Sunday await guidance from The Calendar Commission before interjecting themselves into the conflict.
“It’s a very delicate balance,” a spokesperson for Thursday told this Modern Philosopher. “Luckily, we are a couple of days removed from the action, but our hearts go out to Tuesday, who we have always considered a strong ally.”
Sunday, Monday’s neighbor to the left, refused comment for this article. Seen by most as the leader of the Days of the Week, Sunday benefits from a large, natural boundary between itself and the dreaded first day of the Work Week. The mighty Weekend Warrior Mountain Range keeps Monday out of Sunday, and ensures that the Weekend and Work Week never mingle.
“Sunday could really help Tuesday by giving Monday something to worry about on its western front,” a spokesperson for a day of the week that wished to remain anonymous confided to this Modern Philosopher. “But Sunday knows it’s safe from invasion, so it is going to stay out of it and let The Calendar Commission do all the heavy lifting.”
Pundits across the globe agree with this assessment, and believe that Sunday will play its Day of Rest card to avoid becoming involved in this conflict.
Wednesday has shown support for its neighbor by amassing its First Camel Company on the days’ shared border. While these troops have not seen any battle action since the Hump Day Wars of 1999, they are still considered to be some of the finest you will find anywhere in the week.
“We are grateful that our neighbors have our back, and we hope this doesn’t escalate to a point where their help is needed. We do not want Week War II on our hands,” Tuesday announced in a prepared statement that went out to all the world just hours after the invasion began.
Right now, Monday shows no sign of backing down. In fact, satellite images show more troops headed into Tuesday, and they are backed by tanks and other heavy artillery.
CNN is desperately trying to get a crew onto the battlefield, but The Calendar Commission has not yet allowed it. Rumor has it that disgraced NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams is already embedded with one of Monday’s advance patrols, but so far, only Brian Williams has been able to confirm that report.
I know I could not deal with a world with longer Mondays, so I am praying that The Calendar Commission steps up and sends those troops back across the border where they belong.
If that doesn’t happen soon, I might arrange to be airdropped into the Weekend Warrior Mountains so that I can live out my days in Sunday, where Monday would never day show its ugly face.
Keep Tuesday in your prayers tonight, Modern Philosophers!