“It’s the only way to keep up with the damn Brits,” Dom Pelligrino, a self proclaimed ‘dude from Boston’ told this Modern Philosopher when I randomly asked him about the poll results. “They’ve already got the Queen, Buckingham Palace, and James Bond. If we wanna assert that we’re the true world power, we gotta get a Royal Baby. I’d totally volunteer to bang that hottie Kate Middleton to make it happen, too. I’m a patriot!”
According to Dr. Melissa Simmons of DUST, Dom’s comments reflected the kind of feedback her employees received during polling.
“America was definitely swept up in Royal Baby Fever,” Dr. Simmons told me with a hint of a British accent, which made me wonder how unbiased she was able to remain. “95% of the men who participated volunteered to sleep with Kate Middleton, and that wasn’t even a question we posed.”
In the interest of fair journalism, I must report that 12% of the female participants also volunteered to sleep with the aforementioned Duchess of Cambridge.
“Obama’s got big ears like Prince Charles, but his family doesn’t have the same class as the Royal Family,” Kyla Clifton of Stockton Springs told this Modern Philosopher. “But if President Obama was suddenly holding an adorable Royal Baby with those chubby cheeks, and maybe a tiny crown on her head, then I’d totally vote for him for a third term.”
Needless to say, Modern Philosophers, I didn’t want to destroy Miss Clifton’s dream of a Obama/Royal Baby ticket in 2016, so I simply thanked her for her time.
While 76% of my fellow countrymen were pro-Royal Baby, nearly a quarter of the poll’s participants weren’t goo goo for a newborn.
“The concept of a Royal Family is distinctly British, and that sort of thing has no place in this country,” Professor Samuel Keaton, of the University of Maine’s History Department, told this Modern Philosopher over a lunch of hot dogs and apple pie. “Our forefathers fled England and fought a war to avoid having to deal with a monarchy.”
“Yeah, but it’s just a really cute, rich baby,” explained Brianna York, owner of Bangor’s Baby Boutique. “How could that be a bad thing for our country? I read that the Royal Baby will bring in tens of millions of dollars to England’s economy this year.”
I had no idea that newborn Princess Charlotte could earn that much for personal appearances and speaking engagements!
While The White House refused to comment for this article, it is evident that someone from President Obama’s inner circle had to have commissioned the poll. DUST is a Federal Agency that answers directly to the Secretary of Education.
Stay tuned, Modern Philosophers. Politics makes for strange bedfellows, and maybe one of them will require a very lavish crib…