76% Of Americans Think The Country Needs A Royal Baby

royal baby 2According to a new poll released by the Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST), 76% of Americans think the United States needs a Royal Baby of its own.

“It’s the only way to keep up with the damn Brits,” Dom Pelligrino, a self proclaimed ‘dude from Boston’ told this Modern Philosopher when I randomly asked him about the poll results.  “They’ve already got the Queen, Buckingham Palace, and James Bond.  If we wanna assert that we’re the true world power, we gotta get a Royal Baby.  I’d totally volunteer to bang that hottie Kate Middleton to make it happen, too.  I’m a patriot!”

According to Dr. Melissa Simmons of DUST, Dom’s comments reflected the kind of feedback her employees received during polling.

“America was definitely swept up in Royal Baby Fever,” Dr. Simmons told me with a hint of a British accent, which made me wonder how unbiased she was able to remain.  “95% of the men who participated volunteered to sleep with Kate Middleton, and that wasn’t even a question we posed.”

In the interest of fair journalism, I must report that 12% of the female participants also volunteered to sleep with the aforementioned Duchess of Cambridge.

Royal baby USAAccording to DUST’s results, 83% of those polled who agreed that America needed a Royal Baby, also voiced displeasure with President Obama.

“Obama’s got big ears like Prince Charles, but his family doesn’t have the same class as the Royal Family,” Kyla Clifton of Stockton Springs told this Modern Philosopher.  “But if President Obama was suddenly holding an adorable Royal Baby with those chubby cheeks, and maybe a tiny crown on her head, then I’d totally vote for him for a third term.”

Needless to say, Modern Philosophers, I didn’t want to destroy Miss Clifton’s dream of a Obama/Royal Baby ticket in 2016, so I simply thanked her for her time.

While 76% of my fellow countrymen were pro-Royal Baby, nearly a quarter of the poll’s participants weren’t goo goo for a newborn.

royal family“The concept of a Royal Family is distinctly British, and that sort of thing has no place in this country,” Professor Samuel Keaton, of the University of Maine’s History Department, told this Modern Philosopher over a lunch of hot dogs and apple pie.  “Our forefathers fled England and fought a war to avoid having to deal with a monarchy.”

“Yeah, but it’s just a really cute, rich baby,” explained Brianna York, owner of Bangor’s Baby Boutique.  “How could that be a bad thing for our country?  I read that the Royal Baby will bring in tens of millions of dollars to England’s economy this year.”

I had no idea that newborn Princess Charlotte could earn that much for personal appearances and speaking engagements!

While The White House refused to comment for this article, it is evident that someone from President Obama’s inner circle had to have commissioned the poll.  DUST is a Federal Agency that answers directly to the Secretary of Education.

Royal baby AmericaSo why did The White House want to know how Americans feel about a Royal Baby?  Is this a secret strategy the Democrats plan to use to stay in The White House in 2016?

Stay tuned, Modern Philosophers.  Politics makes for strange bedfellows, and maybe one of them will require a very lavish crib…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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35 Responses to 76% Of Americans Think The Country Needs A Royal Baby

  1. demiannee says:

    So proud to be British 🎈

  2. D. Parker says:

    I’d settle for Doctor Who, preferably with David Tennant back as The Doctor, sorry, all I heard was Britain and my thoughts turned to DW.
    We have enough babies in politics already here in Canada. 😉

  3. Heartafire says:

    Really? Whatever for?

  4. D. Parker says:

    I volunteer! 😉

  5. Trish says:

    I don’t know about that….I watch Game of Thrones….being in a Royal family seems pretty dangerous.

  6. Trish says:

    They didn’t seem to think past sleeping with Kate Middleton….they never do…..

  7. markbialczak says:

    I volunteer to Royal Babysit, Austin. I bet the pay is great, and they leave good snacks.

  8. ksbeth says:

    start thinking of the names…

  9. somemaid says:

    Aren’t the Kardashians enough?

  10. mcowder says:

    With celebrity lives constantly bombarding and competing for media attention, I would say we have enough “royalty” attention here in the U.S. Case in point, Kardashians (I hate even typing their name I’m so disgusted with hearing about them), every baby ever born to a celebrity that gets front page news (over celebrity deaths!) and who’s divorcing, cheating, or getting married this week. We don’t need more attention, in fact, just the opposite.

  11. Alright, alright, I’ll do it. If someone has to be the royal American baby… I’ll volunteer my services. I mean, since my wife and kids say I act like a big baby, and okay I whine almost as much as Rodney on survivor, especially when it comes to my birthday. But i refuse to adpt an English accent… all those marbles you have to put in your mouth. Hey, I saw My Fair Lady!

  12. Austin, excuse the abbreviation for adopt, and the small i instead of a capitol I, but being a baby, I haven’t practiced proofreading my responses yet.

  13. jan says:

    Yes, those royals are so classy – she says sarcastically. But who am I ignorant the work of DUST? Obama/Royal Baby would give Hilary a pain in the side, without a doubt!

  14. kmunse says:

    What on earth? American kids now a days act they are royalty! Do we really need to one with a label? That’s just putting gasoline on a fire.

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