According to a new poll released by the Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST), 76% of Americans think the United States needs a Royal Baby of its own.
“It’s the only way to keep up with the damn Brits,” Dom Pelligrino, a self proclaimed ‘dude from Boston’ told this Modern Philosopher when I randomly asked him about the poll results. “They’ve already got the Queen, Buckingham Palace, and James Bond. If we wanna assert that we’re the true world power, we gotta get a Royal Baby. I’d totally volunteer to bang that hottie Kate Middleton to make it happen, too. I’m a patriot!”
According to Dr. Melissa Simmons of DUST, Dom’s comments reflected the kind of feedback her employees received during polling.
“America was definitely swept up in Royal Baby Fever,” Dr. Simmons told me with a hint of a British accent, which made me wonder how unbiased she was able to remain. “95% of the men who participated volunteered to sleep with Kate Middleton, and that wasn’t even a question we posed.”
In the interest of fair journalism, I must report that 12% of the female participants also volunteered to sleep with the aforementioned Duchess of Cambridge.
According to DUST’s results, 83% of those polled who agreed that America needed a Royal Baby, also voiced displeasure with President Obama.
“Obama’s got big ears like Prince Charles, but his family doesn’t have the same class as the Royal Family,” Kyla Clifton of Stockton Springs told this Modern Philosopher. “But if President Obama was suddenly holding an adorable Royal Baby with those chubby cheeks, and maybe a tiny crown on her head, then I’d totally vote for him for a third term.”
Needless to say, Modern Philosophers, I didn’t want to destroy Miss Clifton’s dream of a Obama/Royal Baby ticket in 2016, so I simply thanked her for her time.
While 76% of my fellow countrymen were pro-Royal Baby, nearly a quarter of the poll’s participants weren’t goo goo for a newborn.
“The concept of a Royal Family is distinctly British, and that sort of thing has no place in this country,” Professor Samuel Keaton, of the University of Maine’s History Department, told this Modern Philosopher over a lunch of hot dogs and apple pie. “Our forefathers fled England and fought a war to avoid having to deal with a monarchy.”
“Yeah, but it’s just a really cute, rich baby,” explained Brianna York, owner of Bangor’s Baby Boutique. “How could that be a bad thing for our country? I read that the Royal Baby will bring in tens of millions of dollars to England’s economy this year.”
I had no idea that newborn Princess Charlotte could earn that much for personal appearances and speaking engagements!
While The White House refused to comment for this article, it is evident that someone from President Obama’s inner circle had to have commissioned the poll. DUST is a Federal Agency that answers directly to the Secretary of Education.
So why did The White House want to know how Americans feel about a Royal Baby? Is this a secret strategy the Democrats plan to use to stay in The White House in 2016?
Stay tuned, Modern Philosophers. Politics makes for strange bedfellows, and maybe one of them will require a very lavish crib…
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
So proud to be British 🎈
Are you? Come on…be honest. 🙂
I’d settle for Doctor Who, preferably with David Tennant back as The Doctor, sorry, all I heard was Britain and my thoughts turned to DW.
We have enough babies in politics already here in Canada. 😉
Maybe a Royal Dr Who Baby then?
Really? Whatever for?
Rad the post, absorb the data. 🙂
I volunteer! 😉
I don’t know about that….I watch Game of Thrones….being in a Royal family seems pretty dangerous.
I don’t think people were really thinking this one through, and just answering while swept up in Royal Baby Fever!
They didn’t seem to think past sleeping with Kate Middleton….they never do…..
That is a bit of a challenge.
I volunteer to Royal Babysit, Austin. I bet the pay is great, and they leave good snacks.
And you get to hang in a castle. But you’d probably have to watch soccer…
Maybe Pippa would watch it with you. That would make soccer more palatable, no?
Yesssss!
start thinking of the names…
Austin. Of course.
Aren’t the Kardashians enough?
Enough to make me want to flee back to England??? 🙂
With celebrity lives constantly bombarding and competing for media attention, I would say we have enough “royalty” attention here in the U.S. Case in point, Kardashians (I hate even typing their name I’m so disgusted with hearing about them), every baby ever born to a celebrity that gets front page news (over celebrity deaths!) and who’s divorcing, cheating, or getting married this week. We don’t need more attention, in fact, just the opposite.
The numbers says otherwise… 🙂
They do but I don’t agree with most American thinking on this topic 🙂
Alright, alright, I’ll do it. If someone has to be the royal American baby… I’ll volunteer my services. I mean, since my wife and kids say I act like a big baby, and okay I whine almost as much as Rodney on survivor, especially when it comes to my birthday. But i refuse to adpt an English accent… all those marbles you have to put in your mouth. Hey, I saw My Fair Lady!
How do the Brits maintain those annoying accents all day long? They must slip now and again, right?
Only when they break into Cockney. ;o)
They’re burglars, too? Breaking and entering an accent is illegal!
LOL
Austin, excuse the abbreviation for adopt, and the small i instead of a capitol I, but being a baby, I haven’t practiced proofreading my responses yet.
Typos will not get your expelled from this blog or stoned publicly by the Grammar Police. This is a safe place. 🙂
This is great, I’ve found a safe-house! :o)
You know it!
Yes, those royals are so classy – she says sarcastically. But who am I ignorant the work of DUST? Obama/Royal Baby would give Hilary a pain in the side, without a doubt!
It would make for a fun campaign. 🙂
What on earth? American kids now a days act they are royalty! Do we really need to one with a label? That’s just putting gasoline on a fire.
I just report on the poll results. 🙂