(Severely) Non-Traditional Weight Loss Plans From The House On The Hill

House on the Hill SpringSometimes, I just don’t feel like running, Modern Philosophers.  Other times, I am incapable of doing so because I’ve done something odd to my body.

Last week, I injured my leg in a very embarrassing manner while running.  As a result, I can’t get take advantage of this gorgeous Spring weather, and I am trapped inside The House on the Hill.

Of course, the place has been crawling with house guests, and I have been unable to run away from them as I normally would.  All of them seemed to have suggestions for alternate ways to lose weight until I could run again.  I thought I’d burden you with them as well…

Flying MonkeysThe Wicked Witch Diet.  This one was courtesy of The Flying Monkeys, who love any excuse to tell the tale of how their former employer withered away to nothing after Dorothy introduced her to an amazing weight loss plan.

Apparently, all it involves is having them soak me with buckets of water until the pounds just melt off of me.

If they only had brains, The Flying Monkeys would be very dangerous!

The Work Sauna  I came up with this plan after yet another day of sweating profusely while chained to my desk at work.  Something is up with the climate control settings and my section of the office it apparently set to “Sixth Ring of Hell”.

If this keeps up, I’ll need The Flying Monkeys to throw water on me to keep my blood from boiling.  I just keep thinking about ice all day to keep my brain from overheating.

SeamusThe Liquid Diet  This one was Seamus’ brainchild.  Maine’s lone Leprechaun spent an hour extolling the virtues of an all liquid diet, stating that solid foods would be the end of me since they contain calories, fats, and sugars that screw with my metabolism.

I was having trouble understanding Seamus’ pitch because he was about seven sheets to the wind, but he insisted that drinking beer all day would make me urinate constantly, which would make me lose weight.

I’m sure all the vomiting after a drinking binge would help with the weight loss as well.

Monster Under the Bed Head  Vlak, the Monster who lives under my neighbors’ bed, but who will often crash under mine, told me that he keeps his slim figure by only eating things that he finds under a bed.

Apparently, dust bunnies, stray socks, and cat toys are very low in calories.  However, they do not sound at all tasty.  Don’t think I could do it.

ZombiesThe Brain Buster  The Zombies inspired this one.  Apparently, human brains are high in protein and low on carbs and calories.  In addition, since people will not surrender the main course of this diet willingly, meals are few and far between.

Zombies also do a lot of slow, staggered, trudging, which is a much easier cardio program than running.  I definitely could handle that without injuring myself.

If I really want to tackle this plan hardcore, I’d cover myself in guts and entrails to go Full Zombie.  The stench of that would take away my appetite, and I’m certain I’d lose weight like my body was decaying around me.

The Soul Patrol Workout  The Devil came up with this, the simplest of all the alternate weight loss plans I’ve heard this week.

In return for my eternal soul, Lucifer will happily give me the body I desire and make sure I maintain my ideal weight until I die.  Hell no!

werewolfThe Howler  Courtesy of Maine’s Werewolves, this exercise plan involves howling at the moon to release the stress that leads to binge eating and a dependence on comfort foods.

While I did like the sound of that, two important components of The Howler are pack running and tons of body hair.  Neither of those things appeal to me.

Air-obics  Gary the Gargoyle really had me sold on this exercise plan.  He’s got a completely chiseled body, so I’d listen to anything he suggested.

Unfortunately, Gary’s killer workout is all about aerial exercises, and I have yet to figure out how to fly.  If I ever do, I am all over this one.

Witch IslandWeight Loss Potion #9  Waltzing Matilda, Volcanica Ivy, and Ti-Diana volunteered to conjure up a weight loss potion, but I didn’t want to be dependent on dietary supplements all my life.

Sure, using Magic to lose weight sounds ideal, but there are always side effects.  You just have to read the fine print on the bottom of the cauldron to find out what they are.

I don’t want to risk turning into a frog, developing a hunchback, or going all Voldemort and losing my facial features.  What good is being skinny if that happens?

Deflategate  Of course, I could always take a page out of the New England Patriots’ playbook and simply cheat.  I could get a clubhouse attendant to deflate me, and no one would have any idea.  I might even win the Super Bowl for my troubles!

What about you, Modern Philosophers?  Do you have any non-traditional weight loss plans to add to the list?  Are you willing to try any of these?

LEGAL NOTICE: This blog is for entertainment purposes only.  The author does not endorse any of these weight loss plans in any way.  Not everything you read on the internet should be attempted in the real world.  You look great just the way you are!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Fitness, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to (Severely) Non-Traditional Weight Loss Plans From The House On The Hill

  1. You CRACK Me Up – Such a HOOT – ha! I have a weight loss plan, which is called the “moving diet” as in packing up a house and moving cross country takes a 10 pound weight loss due to the stress, anxiety, tension of D-I-V-O-R-C-E, fear of the unknown, and overall rollercoaster of emotions happening all at once in a short period of time. Wishing You the Best – Take Care 🙂

  2. markbialczak says:

    Eat a little less. Date a little more. You can do it, Austin. 🙂

  3. hollie says:

    I think that maybe not having a work sauna is my problem. Maybe if we had a work sauna the fat bitches would quit cranking up the air conditioner when there is snow on the ground and I would not have to sit into jacket and a blanket just to get through the day.

  4. amommasview says:

    You should write a how to diet properly book 🙂

  5. Melissa says:

    Sex-a-thon diet was a fleeting thought since hello I am a lady. But what about a Adam and Eve diet. Man number one did after all loose a rib which must if weighed at least a pound. Score for him! Eve did doom mankind with her forbidden diet fruit the apple. Was the calories saved versus eating a snicker really worth it?? Hmmm. If that where me I might make think twice next time I had the munchies. Next ideal diet regiment to follow would be that of the Disney evil stepmother plan. Again evil apples are everywhere! Stick to chocolate peanut butter goodness! (Wink) Snow White’s wonderful stepmother granted her that low cal apple snack with a bonus of endless sleeps. Every time I think of dieting I think naps! Zzz! Not to mention Cinderella’s health conscience stepmother was kind enough to lock her in a basement with singing rats and mice… Plus yummy shared breadcrumbs to baffle the bulge. I stink at history but if I’m correct the last group of people eating with rats and mice got the plague! Dead people bloat but I’m sure it’s only temporary.

  6. D. Parker says:

    Wonderful advice, all of which I was about to try when I read your Legal Notice.
    Sigh. Now what? 😉

  7. No I don’t have any magic formula, but I like the beer drinking suggestion. 😛

  8. grannyK says:

    I want to try the beer drinking along with the flying!

  9. ksbeth says:

    i’m with mark. date more and go places where it’s not about food, it’s about the shared experience )

  10. JED says:

    I think I’ll just keep the weight. Those all seem like less than good ideas. About like every other diet plan out there.

  11. Pamela Edwards says:

    I think i will pass on the ideas . Although i bet many try the flying after Seamus’s beer diet lol . Have you heard the one about a cabbage soup diet ? Grapefruit ? Yuk who wouldn’t lose weight after that all week . I suggest dancing , it’s great exercise , fun , can be done alone or with a partner plus it will brush up your boogie shoes for impressing dates . Good Luck Austin !

  12. I always fall back on aerobic snacking. You should see how thin my elbow from the workout.

  13. kmunse says:

    Hossenfeffer with a dash of dust is definitely my go to diet when I need to drop a few. A little salt and pepper to taste and it’s not so bad.

  14. Pingback: My Picks Of The Week #21 | A Momma's View

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