At Least He’s Not A Total Mother…

mother's dayI was reading in the living room, just trying to get through another Mother’s Day, when the front door of The House on the Hill opened with a flourish.

I looked up from my book just in time to see The Devil appear in the entrance way.  He was, as always, dressed to the nines in a tailored suit.

Today’s outfit was accented by a pink tie and a pink carnation on his lapel.

Despite all that high class fashion in front of me, my eyes were drawn to what Lucifer held in his hands.

No, it was not his pitchfork.

It was an apple pie.

Fresh out of the oven if my nose wasn’t playing tricks on me.

“I know Mother’s Day is always rough on you, so I thought I’d bake you an apple pie,” The Prince of Darkness announced as a broad smile crossed his handsome face.  “I’m pretty sure I remember your saying it’s your favorite.”

He was correct.  Apple pie tops my favorite pie list, and the only thing better is…

aplle pie“And I also bought some chocolate peanut butter ice cream, so we could have this bad boy a la mode,” Satan informed me as he entered the room and put down the pie on the table for me to admire.

He then snapped his fingers, and a half gallon of ice cream appeared.

“I couldn’t actually have ice cream down in Hell, for obvious reasons, so I thought you’d excuse my using my dark powers on this occasion,” The Devil said with a wink as he came around to sit on the couch.

I had asked him to never use his dark powers at The House on the Hill because I was worried that it might cause Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine to sudden appear and constantly pester me until I joined the Dark Side.

As silly as that might sound, much stranger things have happened in this house.

“It was actually nice to get out of the office today,” Lucifer continued as he helped himself to a Snapple from the cooler.  “I really don’t like being in Hell on Mother’s Day.  I don’t like seeing the damned so upset, so I end up turning down the Hellfire, easy up on the work schedule, and then I get the Hell out of there, yes, I did just go there, to allow them all to slack off a bit without my having to witness it.”

DevilI couldn’t believe it.  Had the mighty Prince of Darkness just admitted to having a soft side?

“What really gets to me are all the mothers,” he continued after taking a quick sip of Snapple.  “They know they are spending eternity away from their children, but for some reason, this really upsets them on Mother’s Day.  There’s all this crying and hugging, and it’s just so disruptive.  So I locked myself in the kitchen and baked.”

I leaned in to take a sniff of the pie.  Ironically, it smelled like Heaven.

“I saw that face you made when I mentioned there were mothers in Hell,” Satan snapped accusingly.  “Don’t be all naive and/or sexist, Austin.  You don’t think women commit sins or sell their sells for earthly rewards?  If you think that, you are kidding yourself.”

I took a long sip of my Snapple since I hadn’t recalled making a face, nor did I know what to say in response.

“And before you go calling me a monster, I’ll have you know that I will not do business with any mother who approaches me looking to trade her soul for something that would make her children’s life better,” The Devil scolded me with a wag of his finger.  “They can say all they want about me in The Bible and make me out to be the most heinous beast ever, but I would never take advantage of a mother looking to care for her kiddos.”

Mom baking“In those cases, I’ll either make an anonymous call to your pals up in the Guardian Angel Department, or I’ll just see to it that something nice comes that woman’s way.  I was an Angel once, you know.  I haven’t completely forgotten everything about being a goody two shoes.”

Wow.  I was totally seeing a different side of The Devil on Mother’s Day.

Maybe he wasn’t a total mother after all…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to At Least He’s Not A Total Mother…

  1. Ally Bean says:

    Wonderful story. Only you could find out that the Devil has a soft side! And now, of course, all I’m going to think about today is pie. Yum.

  2. Fingerling says:

    Bravo! Loved this.. great start to my morning commute 🙂

  3. kmunse says:

    Apple pie is my favorite too. Hugging in hell…….who knew

  4. Pingback: The Joy of Writing | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  5. Pingback: The Devil Drinks Snapple | My Cracked Conclusion

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