How To Know If You’re Bad At Dating

It’s Saturday night, Modern Philosophers, which is a prime date night for all you lovers and optimistic types out there.

As usual, I’m at The House on the Hill getting some writing done.  Since it is date night, I thought I’d share another of my dating tips posts with you.  Who knows better about dating than a guy who is home alone on a Saturday night, right?

These tips should help you figure out if you are bad at dating.  If anything on my list pertains to you, then you are probably (definitely!!!) a bad dater.

You never go on any second dates.  Even though it’s been pounded into our heads since birth that first is best, it is not a good thing to amass a huge number of first dates.

In order for the whole relationship thing to work, there needs to a second date and even more after that.  Remember, dating is a marathon, not an arranged marriage.

If you’re like me and went to Catholic School, the nuns probably taught you that “The first shall be last”.   Apparently, that does not mean every first date shall be the last date with that person.  What do nuns know about dating anyway?

You believe in love at first sight.  See the first item on my list, people!  If you are just waiting to be swept off your feet the second you lay eyes on someone, then you are a horrible dater.

Dating is not about instant gratification.  You need to suffer through all the awkwardness of getting to know someone, and then weigh the pluses and minuses and decide whether to fish or cut bait.

Remember, dating is like Spring Training for marriage.  You need to see your partner through something other than lovey dovey rose colored glasses to know if a relationship is  going to work.  Love at first sight just sets you up for some awful surprises down the road.

Your friends never want to set you up on a date.  If your friends won’t hook you up with a relative, coworker, or attractive neighbor, this means they know you’re a bad dater.  They don’t want to say it to your face and discourage you, because then they have to deal with your crying and getting drunk to wallow in self pity.

When they refuse to set you up, it’s their thinly veiled way of telling you that you suck at dating.  Friends like that are keepers!

Your parents stop pestering you about grandchildren.  Let’s make one thing perfectly clear: your parents are obsessed with having grandchildren.  You were a pain to raise, so they want the next best thing…a baby they can spoil and adore, while you do all the hard work.

If they stop pestering you for grandchildren, it means they have lost all hope because they know you are horrible at dating.  Why would you do that to your parents???

You put more effort into your shopping list than into your dating profile.  If your profile on that online dating site says things like “I don’t know what to write here” or “I’m not good at talking about myself” or “We can discuss later”, that means you are an idiot and you’re bad at dating.

The whole point of a profile on those sites it to lure someone in, grab their attention, and make them feel like they absolutely must contact you.

Who the hell is going to write to someone who doesn’t even know how to describe themselves?  That just screams out “lazy”, “stupid”, “boring” and “not worth the effort”.

Your dating profile reads like a troubled teen’s diary.  Now we have the opposite end of the dating profile spectrum.  If you get all dark, moody, and obsess over how senseless love is, no one is going to want to date you, weirdo.

Don’t talk about past breakups, broken hearts, exes, or restraining orders.  Keep it upbeat, positive, and flirty.  If reading your profile makes a potential date want to send you to the Guidance Counselor, you’re horrible at dating.

The server drops off the check upon delivering the first round of drinks.  This means that even the wait staff knows you’re bad at dating.  Evidently, you go to the same place on all your dates, and you never make it to the second round.  If people not even on your date know you suck at dating, then it’s check please!

You pump yourself up for a Monday by thinking “At least I don’t have a date tonight”.  Dating is all about having a positive attitude.  If you dread going on a date, there is no way that date is going to be a success.  Unless, of course, you’re going out with the person whose dating profile reads like a troubled teen’s diary.

Believe in yourself.  Dates can smell negativity even faster than they can smell poverty.  You don’t have to believe that a date is all about rainbows and unicorns, but at least go into it expecting it to go well and not end with someone declaring that it would be easier to just enter a convent or monastery.

You’ve perfected your “I don’t think this is going to work” email or text.  If you’ve written so many of those that you’ve got it down to a science and could win a writing award for your blow off message, you’re a horrible dater.

See the above entry.  Stay positive.  Really focus on getting to the second date.  Don’t send your date the goodbye message while you are still on the date!

You plan dates around your TV viewing schedule.  If TV takes precedence to meeting someone special and finding a much more exciting way to spend your evenings, then you have to get your priorities straight.

Instead of watching the boob tube, go find boobs to ogle and fondle, or someone to ogle and fondle your boobs.

If TV is that important to you, figure out how to work the DVR.  I’m pretty sure that the “D” in that stands for “Dating”.  Sex is way better than any TV show.  If you’ve forgotten that, then you are horrible at dating!

You’re not the most attractive person in the photo on your dating profile.  Seriously?  You don’t know better than to not post a photo of you with your super attractive friend?  Don’t give a potential date a point of comparison and make it easier to decide that there are much better fish in the sea.

And don’t post a photo of you with any animal unless it’s one of you with the enormous great white shark who just reeled in.  Even then, hold the shark over your head and make sure you have a seriously menacing look on your face.

You are constantly thinking about writing a sequel to your screenplay about retiring from dating.  This one is totally on me.  Most of you know that I wrote a screenplay about a past relationship, and the plot was that I had decided to retire from dating.  I sold The Retirement Party and it got made into a feature film.  The trailer is on this blog’s About page, so feel free to check it out.

The thing is, if I’m thinking about writing a sequel, it means I’ve given up on dating again.  Quitters might be great writers, but they suck at dating.

I hope these dating tips have come in handy.  If anyone reading this is a single woman and would like to go out some time, please let me know in the comments section…