Study Concludes That Monday Is No Raymond

Ray 2It’s universally accepted, Modern Philosophers, that everybody loves Raymond.

That fact was drilled into our heads from many years of watching Ray Romano’s award winning sitcom.

Conversely, it’s fairly well known that pretty much everybody hates Monday.  However, since there’s never been a sitcom named “Everybody Hates Monday”, we can’t really state this idea as fact.

While there still might not be such a TV show (why hasn’t there ever been one with that title???), we finally have empirical evidence that everybody hates Monday.

Fittingly, that proof came to light on a Monday.

According to a survey conducted by the Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST), 99.87% of Americans polled hate Monday.

Ray 1“We were surprised it wasn’t unanimous,” Dr. Patrick Heaton, the DUST researcher who supervised the polling, confessed to this Modern Philosopher.  “We assume that there was some sloppy poll taking done by one of our new staff members (he pointed to a very tall man in a lab coat across the room, who he later identified as Robert) and that perhaps one or two of the poll participants were relatives of Monday.”

Yes, Modern Philosophers, I know that a poll of almost ten million Americans does not constitute “everybody”, but it’s a darn good sampling.

I’m all for making sure every person in the world is included when somebody declares that everybody hates Monday, but I am writing on a deadline and don’t want to be scooped on this one by the mainstream press.

So I’m going to stand behind the data on this one.

Ray 4Not surprisingly, Monday refused to comment for this article, except to say that it never was a fan of Ray Romano’s comedy.  Monday went on to add that it did, however, enjoy Romano’s stint on “Parenthood”.

Other days of the week were glad to comment, though, provided that I published their quotes anonymously.

“Monday sucks!” one day of the week stated rather emphatically, and over and over for three minutes and twelve seconds (yes, I did time it!).

“Add me to the group that hates Monday,” another day added much more eloquently.  “Monday is headstrong, self-righteous, prickly, menacing, extremely opinionated, known to talk endlessly about itself, and it smells like something that you’d find in the refrigerator of a house that has been abandoned for decades and was once home to a serial killer.”

Dr. Heaton said that while DUST’s study proves that everybody hates Mondays, there is really nothing that can be done about the problem.  “We brought our findings to the Secretary of Education first, and the Secretary then discussed them with President Obama and the Joint Chiefs.  Ultimately, it was decided that while a plan to eliminate Mondays could very well be successful, it was not worth the risks involved.”

Ray 3I guess we’re stuck with Mondays, Modern Philosophers.  Everybody Loves Raymond airs in reruns several times a day, but there will never be new episodes.

Monday, however, airs a brand new episode every week.  I don’t need a Government study to tell me that stinks worse than rotten fish found in that aforementioned fridge…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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2 Responses to Study Concludes That Monday Is No Raymond

  1. D. Parker says:

    We’re liking Monday here in Canada today, it’s a holiday…so Mondays aren’t all bad. 😉

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