Are You On A First Date Or Just Having A Nightmare?

bad dateMemorial Day has come and gone, which means we are now in the middle of prime dating season, Modern Philosophers.

I can’t just send you out into the dating world unprepared and confused, so it’s time for another dating tips post.

In this one, I’m going to help you figure out if the scenario you are in is a first date or just a nightmare.

Since I’m a man who dates women, the date in this post will be referred to as a woman.  However, these tips are meant to help both sexes.

Here are some helpful questions you can ask to determine if you are on a first date, or just having a nightmare…

date 1Are you in your pajamas or naked?  If you answered in the affirmative, then you had better be in a nightmare.  It is definitely improper first date etiquette to show up in your pjs or nothing at all.

The naked date nightmare just means you’re afraid of revealing too much about yourself on a first date.  It’s okay to keep certain information, and your privates, tucked away for another time.

Is the conversation stilted?  Are there enough awkward pauses to make you feel like you’re in a silent film?  You are on a first date.  This is a typical pitfall that couples encounter upon meeting for the first time.  It’s easy to banter in texts and emails, but when it comes time to chat face to face, communication breakdowns are the norm.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, Modern Philosophers.  If you can’t make small talk, it probably means you are not a good fit.

freddy 1Is your server an ex, your mother, a nun, or a pop star currently topping the charts?  Definitely a nightmare.  No one would be stupid enough to plan a first date where an ex works.  If it implodes, then she gets the last laugh.  You save that date for when things are going well and you can make the ex very jealous.

If your Mom works in a restaurant or a bar, why would you take your date there, Oedipus?

Nuns and pop stars are nightmares unto themselves.  Avoid them whenever possible.

Does your date order expensive food that she then just picks at, or does she keep sending back a drink because there’s too much liquor in it?  You are on a first date.  I have suffered through both scenarios.  I was too much of a gentleman to make my date pay for the expensive entree she didn’t bother to eat and refused to take home, but it made me vow to never again go to dinner on a first date.  Drinks only.

Of course, that led to the second scenario.  She insisted on Russian vodka on the rocks, and then kept sending it back, telling the waitress there was too much vodka in her glass.

Since the waitress was my ex, I really felt like an idiot…

date 4Do you feel like you’re being interrogated and you’re not allowed a lawyer?   This is one of my least favorite first date scenarios.  Question after question, well rehearsed and asked in a manner to really make me sweat it out and wonder if I should confess to something I didn’t do just to make the date end.

Did you show up late, the test has already started, and you’re completely unprepared?  If this isn’t a nightmare, then you are in big trouble.  You should NEVER be late for a first date.  Not only is it disrespectful to your date, but it also gives her something to hang over your head for the entirety of your relationship.  No matter how great of a boyfriend you are, she will always be able to cut you down to size by saying, “Remember that time you were late for our first date?”

Also, showing up late is a serious tactical error.  Get there fifteen minutes before she does to scout out the place.  Arriving first prevents her from seeing your ride, which will keep her guessing, and is a big help if you have a crappy car.

Getting there early makes a great first impression, and it allows you to practice your casual reaction to meeting her so you don’t come across as overexcited or needy.

Most importantly, arriving early allows you to locate all the exits in case you get the vibe that your date plans to kill you (see my first dating tips post for more information on that).

freddy 2Is your server more interesting, attractive, and flirty than your date? While this sounds like a total nightmare, it is a first date.  What makes it worse is when it comes out in the conversation that your server is single.

In this scenario, you just need to survive the date, while remaining a gentleman.  The server is watching, and if she sees you blow off your date to flirt with her, she is never going to agree to a date when you return on another night to ask her out.

And, yes, you need to go back and ask her out.  I still regret that I never got up the courage to go back to that restaurant to ask my waitress on a date.  Stupid, stupid!

Did your date really just ask you how your Mother died?  Sadly, this is a first date, Modern Philosophers.  It happened to me recently, and I could never quite recover from the question.  I had forgotten I’d even mentioned that my Mom had died, but it had come up in a text earlier because Mother’s Day was approaching.

Death is not a good conversation topic on a first date.  If you are that desperate for something to talk about, then I’d say it’s better (and more fun) to pretend that you’ve either lost your voice or forgotten how to speak.

date 2Do you constantly check for your phone like it is a security blanket, just to remind yourself that you have a connection to the outside world and can call for help at any time?  Stereotypical first date panic mode behavior.  I have no idea how people got through first dates before cell phones were invented.  Maybe they asked to sit next to the payphones, or perhaps they lugged around a house phone in their bags?

It’s okay to want to feel safe, and on a first date, a cell phone is the protection of choice.

Is it love at first sight?  Do you totally click?  Does the conversation flow?  Does she laugh at your jokes?  Is she blushing a lot?  Do you never want the night to end?  Are there butterflies fluttering in your tummy?  This is a dream, Modern Philosophers.  No first date is this perfect, so if you are in this scenario enjoy the dream for as long as you can.  Try as you might, you’ll never be able to have that same one again.  Enjoy it.  Write about it in your dream journal.  Treasure the memory.

I hope these dating tips were helpful.  Good luck out there.  And remember, if you die in your dreams, at least you won’t have to go on another first date…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Are You On A First Date Or Just Having A Nightmare?

  1. hollie says:

    I get asked on first dates why I am divorced. Do they really want to talk about my ex on a first date? They are never prepared to hear the truth, “because he refused to quit sending pictures of his junk to everyone I know.”

  2. I had a first date recently, luckily it was relatively painless and I was glad the bartender made my drinks strong. The date brought up his deceased daughter in reference to a tattoo but we didn’t dwell on it. I didn’t fall head over heels or anything but at least I wasn’t trapped in a nightmare.

  3. Pamela Edwards says:

    I love the dating blogs . Now the last part of this blog , i have to say sometimes a first date is that perfect . I know because i experienced such a date . We clicked , much later we both admitted to falling for each other that night , we had great conversation, i had butterflies & i blushed . That date was 7 hours long & neither of us wanted it to end . So never doubt it Austin , sometimes perfect can come along . Don’t give up , love comes when you least expect it to .

    • Austin says:

      I’ve had that perfect date, too, but at this point, it just seems like a dream. So I want to keep it real with everyone and prepare them for the rougher part of dating…

  4. ksbeth says:

    i hope that you’ll soon follow your own advice )

  5. Austin says:

    Summer. Time to date. Get with the times. 🙂

  6. Naomi says:

    Whenever I feel like I’m the most socially backward human being alive, I will be thankful I’ve never asked a first date how his mother died. My mouth is still hanging on its hinges. Wow… I’m sorry you had to negotiate that.

  7. Very difficult mostly, but we can’t give up,can we?

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