From Vatican City to Hollywood Blvd, people were buzzing today with the news that Disney has purchased the rights to The Bible and plans to publish at least one new book in the series.
“We love trilogies,” a Disney spokesperson told this Modern Philosopher, “and no trilogy is more ready for a reboot than the tale of God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit.”
According to those with insider knowledge, Disney plans to not only add a third testament to join the Old and New ones, but they also intend to turn that yet to be named testament (The Holy Spirit Awakens, anyone???) into a trilogy of Summer Blockbuster films.
Rumor has it that Rowling has considered revisiting the Harry Potter universe, but a challenge such as writing a new book of The Bible could be a sign from above that it is time for her to move on to even bigger and better things.
J. J. Abrams has already denied that he has been asked to helm the movies, but my sources tell me that a little angel is whispering in Abrams’ ear that this project might be too tempting to ignore.
Meanwhile, halfway across the world, Pope Francis was thrilled about the news.
“This is exactly what the Catholic Church needs, Austin,” The Holy Father told me excitedly via Skype. “The youth of our planet is so caught up in social media, and whatever is cool, hip, and cutting edge. If Disney can make The Bible the bomb diggity, it will be a blessing for us all. I cannot wait to see how the story continues.”
“The Old Testament was God’s story, the New Testament was Jesus’ tale, and my guess would be that this latest addition to The Bible would be The Holy Spirit’s time in the spotlight. Who doesn’t love a good Superhero origin story, am I right?”
Pope Francis might definitely be on to something, Modern Philosophers. The Disney spokesperson that I interviewed for this article would not comment directly on The Holy Spirit theory, but he kept harping on the power of a trilogy.
My money is on the newest testament being all about the most mysterious member of the Holy Trinity. I always thought of The Holy Spirit as the religious version of The Human Torch, and I’m curious to see if J. K. Rowling’s vision (or whatever writer ultimately is hired for the project) matches my own.
Since this is Disney, Modern Philosophers, I don’t foresee this deal stopping with a new book and a trilogy of movies. I’m thinking a theme park (Walt Disney Heaven?), plenty of merchandising (how about a Transformers-like action figure that can change from God to Jesus to The Holy Spirit?) and a traveling ice show (Miracles on Ice???).
What little kid isn’t going to want to add an official Disney halo to an outfit that already includes his Mickey Mouse ears and lightsaber?
I especially want Sam for those passages where God’s booming voice comes down from Heaven.
Is it wrong of me to also want the testament to focus around thinly veiled versions of Harry and Hermione as the young adults who must spread God’s Word after they are somehow filled with The Holy Spirit?
That is definitely a bestseller, and would make for movies I’d line up for days to see.
God, I love this deal!