Disney Buys The Rights To The Bible; Sequels In The Works

DisneyNow that Disney has taken over the Star Wars saga and proven that The Force is strong with them, the company has decided to set its sights on the second greatest story every told.

From Vatican City to Hollywood Blvd, people were buzzing today with the news that Disney has purchased the rights to The Bible and plans to publish at least one new book in the series.

“We love trilogies,” a Disney spokesperson told this Modern Philosopher, “and no trilogy is more ready for a reboot than the tale of God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit.”

According to those with insider knowledge, Disney plans to not only add a third testament to join the Old and New ones, but they also intend to turn that yet to be named testament (The Holy Spirit Awakens, anyone???) into a trilogy of Summer Blockbuster films.

JK RowlingJ. K. Rowling is the front runner to write the newest testament, and this former Catholic School Boy thinks the Sorting Hat did a proper job with that selection.

Rumor has it that Rowling has considered revisiting the Harry Potter universe, but a challenge such as writing a new book of The Bible could be a sign from above that it is time for her to move on to even bigger and better things.

J. J. Abrams has already denied that he has been asked to helm the movies, but my sources tell me that a little angel is whispering in Abrams’ ear that this project might be too tempting to ignore.

Meanwhile, halfway across the world, Pope Francis was thrilled about the news.

Pope Francis gives the Christmas Urbi et Orbi Blessing at St Peter Square“This is exactly what the Catholic Church needs, Austin,” The Holy Father told me excitedly via Skype.  “The youth of our planet is so caught up in social media, and whatever is cool, hip, and cutting edge.  If Disney can make The Bible the bomb diggity, it will be a blessing for us all.  I cannot wait to see how the story continues.”

“The Old Testament was God’s story, the New Testament was Jesus’ tale, and my guess would be that this latest addition to The Bible would be The Holy Spirit’s time in the spotlight.  Who doesn’t love a good Superhero origin story, am I right?”

Pope Francis might definitely be on to something, Modern Philosophers.  The Disney spokesperson that I interviewed for this article would not comment directly on The Holy Spirit theory, but he kept harping on the power of a trilogy.

My money is on the newest testament being all about the most mysterious member of the Holy Trinity.  I always thought of The Holy Spirit as the religious version of The Human Torch, and I’m curious to see if J. K. Rowling’s vision (or whatever writer ultimately is hired for the project) matches my own.

Since this is Disney, Modern Philosophers, I don’t foresee this deal stopping with a new book and a trilogy of movies.  I’m thinking a theme park (Walt Disney Heaven?), plenty of merchandising (how about a Transformers-like action figure that can change from God to Jesus to The Holy Spirit?) and a traveling ice show (Miracles on Ice???).

What little kid isn’t going to want to add an official Disney halo to an outfit that already includes his Mickey Mouse ears and lightsaber?

GodI’m eager to hear who they’d get to read the audiobook.  My gut tells me James Earl Jones, but I so badly want it to be Samuel L. Jackson, Modern Philosophers!

I especially want Sam for those passages where God’s booming voice comes down from Heaven.

Is it wrong of me to also want the testament to focus around thinly veiled versions of Harry and Hermione as the young adults who must spread God’s Word after they are somehow filled with The Holy Spirit?

That is definitely a bestseller, and would make for movies I’d line up for days to see.

God, I love this deal!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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21 Responses to Disney Buys The Rights To The Bible; Sequels In The Works

  1. your mind works in foul mysterious ways doesn’t it?? =P… A+ for effort and creativity!!

  2. As long as the Holy Spirit isn’t CGI, I think I would be okay with this… Nothing less than good old fashioned animatronics for the Trinity.

  3. amommasview says:

    $$$$$$$$$ Can you hear the ding ding ding ding 😉 Fun read! Well done 🙂

  4. Anita says:

    Did you get this news tip from Satan while he was hopped up on Snapple? You’d better cut him off. Oh, never mind! I forgot you Skyped with the Pope. It MUST be true then. Brilliant. Again.

  5. Just shining your light from the House on the Hill? No keeping it under a bushel for you! Nice work.

  6. I just came back from DisneyWorld, and what an addition to the madness! Before you know it there will be a Ben Hur Chariot Ride and a Parting the Red Sea water ride! Maybe I should invest now…

  7. Can’t be worse than the last ones!

  8. That parting of the Red Sea ride will be a doozy. I want the goofy chariot!

  9. jan says:

    It’ll probably happen someday and you’ll be known as the Prophet Austin!

  10. kmunse says:

    The real question is….How did Disney actually buy the rights from God?

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