Are You Out For A Run Or On A First Date?

bad dateI’ve haven’t been writing about running lately, Modern Philosophers, because I’m out of creative ways to tell you about my adventures (struggles) in my Running Toga.

While on my morning run today, however, I came up with an idea for a new dating tips post.  I might not be running’s biggest fan, but it is a great time to come up with writing ideas while my brain is so unencumbered (struggling for oxygen) with other thoughts.

As always, these tips are meant to help both men and women.  In this post, I’m going to help you figure out if you are out for a run, or on a first date.

I bet you had no idea that it could be so difficult to differentiate between the two activities.  Hopefully, this will makes things much clearer…

run 1Did you stretch first?  Stretching is something you should always do before a run, so if you did stretch, then it’s very likely that you are on a run.

I can’t think of any reason you would want to or need to stretch before a first date.

Are you sweating and is your pulse elevated?  This is a tricky one.  If you are on a run, you should be sweating and find that your pulse is elevated.  It’s always a good idea to check your pulse during and right after finishing your run to make sure that you are not pushing yourself too hard.

First dates can lead to anxiety, which means that you could very well be perspiring and have an increased pulse.  So, you could be on a first date as well.  Hopefully, you put on some deodorant before you left the house so your date doesn’t see you sweat.

date 1After a half hour, are you exhausted and feel like you can’t possibly go on?  This sounds like a run, especially if you are still getting your running legs under you.  The thirty minute mark is when you are going to feel like you’ve hit a wall.

However, this is also when your second wind will often kick in, so don’t quit.  Keep your legs churning, reach down deep for that something extra, and keep going.

Now that I think about it, this could also be a first date.  Thirty minutes is enough time to know if something is a complete disaster.  If things aren’t going well, you are probably checking your watch often, trying to flag down the server for a check, or really wishing you hadn’t suggested a movie for a first date.

If it is a first date, follow my same advice for a run.  Dig down deep and find that next gear to see it through to the end.

Does it feel like everything is an uphill climb?  This has got to be a run.  On my worst days on a road, my running route feels like every stride is uphill even though I know that is not at all the truth.

Then again, I’ve been on plenty of first dates that seemed like an uphill battle from the second we said hello.  Damn, this is harder than I thought!

run 2Did you listen to music for motivation?  You’re on a run.  For sure.  I’d be lost without my tunes.  Gotta have my Pandora Foo Fighters channel blasting in my ears to block out my breathing and the voices in my head begging me to go back home and just sit on the couch.

Then again, I’ll often crank up the tunes in the car on the way to a first date to try to relax and get myself into the right frame of mind.  Hmmmm…

Do you feel a weird tingling in your groin area?  That’s got to be a run.  You probably pulled something, so be very careful.  There’s a chance it might just be a strain, but do not push yourself.  If you can get home without running, just walk the rest of your route and take it easy.  Put ice on it and keep your leg elevated.

If it feels better in the morning, it’s probably not something that requires a trip to the doctor.  You probably want to avoid running for a few days just to be sure.

If the pain worsens and/or persists, see your doctor.

Don’t even try to tell me this could be a first date.  A first date is all about survival and getting through the interrogation without being murdered.  There’s no way your groin is tingling on a first date.  No way!

date 2Do you stink?  For your sake, I pray that you are on a run.  If you smell on a first date, then there’s not going to be a second date.

While it’s okay to give your pits a workout when you run, you should be overdoing it with the deodorant on a first date.  You don’t want to get a rep as a stinker.

Does it feel like it’s never going to end?  I’m going to surprise you and go with first date here.  First dates can have that never ending vibe to them, and if you were raised by The Nuns like I was, you can’t just be a prick and get up and walk out.

A gentleman suffers through the interminable passage of time, and silently prays that the establishment closes early or his date runs out of boring stories so that the date comes to a natural end when the silence almost consumes you both.

Sure, a run can feel like it’s never going to end, but not the way a first date does.

run 3Are you thinking “Why the hell am I torturing myself like this?”  Since I have this very conversation with myself on almost every run, I’ll guess you are on a run.

I hate running, but I know it’s the only activity that results in my losing weight aside from injecting myself with a virus (won’t make that mistake twice!).  So I force myself to run, but pass the time by asking myself over and over why the hell I put myself through this.  It’s as much a part of my running routine as stretching and notifying the local ambulance service to be on standby.

Of course, this is also something I’ve asked myself on many a first date.  Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could just fast forward to the second or third date, and get past all the first date nonsense that would be frowned upon by the Geneva Convention?

Are you stuck with the bill when it’s over?  First date.  Running makes you pay in other, much more painful ways.

date 3As soon as you are done, do you hit the showers to wash off the stench?  I want to say this means you’ve been on a run because my Running Toga is always weighed down with sweat when I get back to The House on the Hill.  So a shower is always my first destination.  Sometimes, I don’t even get out of my running clothes first.

By the same token, I have arrived home after a first date feeling so scuzzed out by the night’s events that all I want to do is shower and then burn my clothes.  I’ve also wanted to have my memory wiped, but sadly, that technology does not yet exist.

run 4As much as you struggled to make it home alive, you are going right back out to do the same thing tomorrow, aren’t you?  Without question, you were on a run.  Running is the only activity that I hate with a passion, but continue to do on a regular basis.

Regardless of how I feel about it, and how bad my previous experience might have been, I will get right back out there to put myself through the very same torture the next day.

You couldn’t pay me enough money to get me to go on first dates on consecutive days.  While my body might be able to bounce back from a 3 mile run like it’s nothing, my heart and soul need a hell of a lot more time to recover from a first date.

I hope this post has brought you some enlightenment, Modern Philosophers.  Be careful out there and try to have fun, regardless if you’re running or on a first date!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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12 Responses to Are You Out For A Run Or On A First Date?

  1. I really appreciate this. I’ve been trying to run more (need to push past the 30 minute mark) but sometimes my wife seems jealous of the time spent. Now I can see why it’s so confusing to her.

  2. Anita says:

    I think you’d enjoy running a lot more if you’d just hire some help. You could either hire something scary to chase you or hire something beautiful to chase. Either way it’s a win!

    Great post as usual. Creative. Well written and fun.

  3. Brilliant! Very funny – and I didn’t realise how much they had in common!

  4. kriskkaria says:

    This is going to make a great podcast series. The second narration of your dating series is up on my podcast,

  5. Fantastic post Austin and so true. I couldn’t help a chuckle throughout parts of this read. I am not longer single but I can actually say I have literally had a stitch in the side of my stomach.
    On a first date, we take things way too seriously and so often blow it. Since my many years of dating leading to my fiance of now two years, I have been publishing free eBooks on dating to help others. Your article has actually sparked a whole new idea for a section in my previous dating guide and I will be editing it to add a section covering the first date marathon sweats and how to overcome the assault course.
    Thanks again Austin this was just excellent

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