“It had been going okay as far as first dates go,” Patton told this Modern Philosopher. “We were on a picnic, and the conversation was a little stilted, so I figured it was the perfect time to open the wine.”
Patton popped the cork and he and his date received the surprise of a lifetime.
“The guy at the wine store assured me that this wine was perfect for a first date,” Patton explained and then rolled his eyes. “I’m no wine expert, so I believed him. When he blew the dust off the bottle, I thought that meant it was an old, rare vintage, and I was all for it. Figured my date would be wicked impressed.”
Before he could even pour a glass, however, a Genie emerged from the bottle. Patton’s date shrieked because she was so stunned.
“The Genie asked her to keep it down because he had a massive headache,” Patton continued. “He was also slurring his words and his eyes were bloodshot, but I was so caught off guard by it all that it never occurred to me that a Genie trapped in a wine bottle might be tipsy.”
Clearly, Patton was a Genie novice. Having never before encountered such an Other Worldly Being, he didn’t know how to check for the telltale signs of Geniebriation.
Yes, that is the proper term to describe an intoxicated Genie.
“He thanked me for releasing him from the bottle, and said he would grant me three wishes. He was hiccuping the whole time, but I was nervous, thrilled, trying to impress this date, and not thinking straight, so I just went for it.”
Genies have a reputation, Modern Philosophers, for being tricksters and pranksters, who enjoy turning a person’s wishes against him. I certainly wouldn’t want to learn what a tipsy Genie was like.
“The first thing I did was wish that my date liked me,” Patton mumbled and then took a long pull on his Snapple. “She was pretty, had a great sense of humor, and I so seriously hate dating. I just wanted her to like me, so I could stop going on first dates and finally be in a relationship.”
“So the Genie tells me my wish is granted. She likes me alright. Says we’re best pals. I’m the brother she always wanted. Clearly, I should have been more specific, but stupid me just wished for her to like me, and the tipsy Genie made it happen.”
I feel your pain, brother. I didn’t want to say anything, but I totally saw that coming.
“It’s too soon to tell that he’s screwed up that wish, so I plow right into the next one,” he confesses as he hangs his head. “I’ve always wanted an old farmhouse, so that was wish number two.”
“The thing doesn’t stop taking dumps all over the floor. I don’t know what it’s eating to have to go to the bathroom that much, but it’s insane. I can’t sleep because it smells so foul in my apartment. How the hell do you get rid of a horse? The Humane Society won’t take it, and all Animal Control cares about is whether I have a license for it. I hate my life!”
Since the poor guy had no idea that life in the friend zone and an aging horse awaited him, he made his third and final wish.
“I got all crazy and wished for a million bucks,” Patton announced. “I know, you’re thinking one million deer or moose showed up, right?”
I nodded because that was exactly what I assumed.
“A duffel bag packed with cash appeared at my feet,” he surprised me. “My date went bonkers. Of course, I probably should’ve known something was up when she didn’t start kissing me or planning our wedding. Instead, she just excitedly talked about going on a shopping spree together.”
So why is he bothering with the malpractice suit if the Genie at least got the third wish right? A million dollars could pay for horse removal, an old farmhouse, and enough first dates until that someone special came into his life.
“The money was counterfeit, and I got arrested,” Patton growled. “I’m out on bail, which was a total hassle since no one wants to post bond for an accused counterfeiter. My lawyer suggested I sue the Genie. He was drunk, and he shouldn’t have been granting wishes under the influence. Look what he’s done to my life!”
Cy Brown, the blog’s legal adviser, weighed in on Patton’s lawsuit. “I don’t think he has much of a case, Austin. Genie Law is totally different than our legal system. Basically, if you let the Genie out of the bottle, all bets are off. You wish at your own peril. I’m sure he can get the counterfeiting charges dropped if he gets a sympathetic judge, but I do not see him collecting on any damages from the Genie.”
The real lesson to be learned from this, Modern Philosophers, is to never plan a picnic as a first date. That is an amateur move that can only lead to chaos and possible arrest.
I wish you would all just trust me on that one!