I Advise You To Have “The Talk” With Your Body

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I know you have a love/hate relationship with running, and you’ll often share stories with us about your questi to be healthier and get into shape.

Can you please help me?

I have been trying to diet and get into a regular exercise routine, but my body just will not have it.

If I try to run on consecutive days, my body basically shuts down on me.  There are so many aches and pains and such uncomfortable throbbing from parts of my body that should not be able to throb, that I end up not going for that run.

When I try to eat healthier, all my stomach does is rumble, gurgle, and make noises that leave me thinking I should immediately see a Gastroenterologist.  When I drink water instead of beer or soda, my body protests by forcing me to have to go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes.

I want to be thinner.  I want to be healthy.  My body, however, has a different plan.

What do I do?

Feeling Fat Frustrated & Foolish

just runDear Reader,

First of all, I’m not going to address you by the name you used to sign your letter.  That would serve no positive purpose whatsoever.

Secondly, I’m proud of you for writing for advice.  So many people would simply give up and allow their body to win, but you did not do that.  Bravo.

There is a simple solution to your problem.  Some will say it’s unconventional.  Others will call it cruel and unusual.

I think of it as the only way to confront a difficult problem.

I advise you to have “The Talk” with your body.

Your body has absolutely no clue that it is going to die one day.  That’s why it’s being a spoiled, lazy brat and refusing to help you get healthy.

Once your body realizes that death is on the table, I assure you that you will see a drastic change in its attitude.  Death is an eye opener, and once you explain to your body what happens to it after you die (be graphic, show it pictures of rotting corpses and bodies that have been picked at by animals and consumed by insects), it is going to get on board.

Your body wants what it wants until it realizes there is no way in Hell that it wants anything to do with death.

Sit it down today.  The sooner you have “The Talk”, the better it will be for all parties.

I know this will help, so I’ll just say good luck and “You’re welcome”.



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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22 Responses to I Advise You To Have “The Talk” With Your Body

  1. markbialczak says:

    Take no prisoners, huh, Austin? Pretty grisly, this. 😮

  2. Sometimes the body will do what it will do in spite of what you want. o_O You can’t reshape hereditary genes.

  3. ksbeth says:

    hardcore advice

  4. Alys says:

    Thanks for the advice

  5. Josh Wrenn says:

    Not bad at all.

  6. AthenaC says:

    It really does help to tell your body, out loud if necessary, “Quit your whining!” I’ve done that before when my body starts grumping at me while working out.

    A caveat: there’s a difference between your body whining (in which case you should tell it to shut up) and your body saying, “Okay for real, I can’t do this any more!” (in which case you should listen)

  7. plaguedparents says:

    A tip from my experience, cross train. I get the most results from running, but like you my body is not happy if I run on consecutive days, especially when I am trying to increase my distance. I do bike riding, rollerblading or a little yoga on the days in between. Good luck!!

  8. jan says:

    Nothing is worse than starting out on an exercise and diet regime! My sympathies!

  9. A clever flow chart from Runners World to determine if you should run (bottom line – run)

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