That thundering sound did not come from inside a movie theater, Modern Philosophers, but rather from a secret meeting of Maine’s chapter of Dinosaurs for the Ethical Treatment of Prehistoric Animals (DETPA).
Maine’s Dinosaur population has gathered to discuss the June 12 release of the Summer Blockbuster Jurassic World, and the crowd is not happy.
“We cannot believe that Hollywood would put out yet another movie in this series, all of which have portrayed Dinosaurs as villains,” explained Brontosaurus Betty, DETPA Maine’s President. “Yet another generation of children is going to be traumatized and think of Dinosaurs as the enemy, rather than as friends.”
Jurassic World is the fourth film in the series that premiered back in nearly prehistoric times, aka 1993, with Jurassic Park.
“Every one of the films has showed the darker, deadlier side of our species,” Betty continued as her colleagues milled around behind us painting signs and practicing their protest chants. “They never take the time to show how sweet, loving, and vulnerable we are because that wouldn’t sell tickets.”
The Dinosaurs in this fourth film are bigger, badder, and even fictional.
“Don’t even get me started on the fact that the filmmakers have created a hybrid, mega Dinosaur for this flick,” my host grumbled. “Seriously? Dinosaurs weren’t incredible enough? Hollywood had to go and manufacture one of its own?”
According to Brontosaurus Betty, this move by the producers of Jurassic World would be the equivalent of Hollywood creating a new Avenger or X-Men Mutant just to make the next movie in the series more exciting.
“It’s bad enough they have the Dinosaurs locked up and on display, but now they have to insult us by saying we aren’t cool enough to put fannies in the seats? We aren’t bad ass enough so some T Rex on steroids has to be cooked up in a top secret laboratory to ensure that Dinosaurs are hip enough for this generation?”
“That’s why DETPA is going to take action on Friday when the movie opens wide,” Betty announced to the delight of her comrades. “Dinosaurs across America are going to be out in full force, picketing outside theaters showing Jurassic World, and demanding that Hollywood treat all Prehistoric Animals with a little more love and respect.”
Protests are scheduled for dozens of cities across the country, with the largest ones planned for New York and Hollywood. Bangor will also be the site of picketing, and this Modern Philosopher plans to march in support of the Dinosaurs.
“Hasn’t Hollywood made enough money from the Jurassic Park franchise?” Betty asked as she proved that even Dinosaurs can be Modern Philosophers. “It’s time to stop exploiting Dinosaurs. Can filmmakers finally stop stereotyping us and pigeonholing us as the out of control, town leveling hotheads with only death and destruction on their minds?”
“Do movie makers not think that Dinosaurs have evolved enough to play the witty sidekick? Why can’t Dinosaurs be action movie heroes? Send a pack of us into a Taliban stronghold. Let’s see how ISIS does when Dinosaurs overrun their cities. We are not one-dimensional beasts!”
This time, the roar that welled up in the meeting space was a happy and glorious one.
It didn’t take much Deep Thought on my part to know that Betty had a point. Hollywood needs to stop its prehistoric treatment of Dinosaurs, and remember it’s the 21st Century.
Why can’t Bruce Willis team up with a T Rex in the next Die Hard flick? How about a new Jaws movie where a Dinosaur helps clear the ocean of killer sharks? Maybe a Dinosaur can be cast as Robin in the next Batman offering?
Jurassic World opens on June 12. Check your local listings for showtimes…