As always, the top item on their agenda was finding me a girlfriend. Apparently, they believe that my approval rating has taken a hit because I’ve been single for too long. They say that the American people grow suspicious of anyone who seems completely incapable of getting into a relationship.
I did not entirely disagree. I don’t think that my relationship status should be item number on the meeting’s agenda, but I definitely accept that it is a top five concern.
However, I do pay these folks the big bucks to steer my life in the right direction, so it behooves me to listen to what they have to say.
My advisers were definitely intrigued by the fact that I’ve met someone I liked, but were not thrilled to learn that I still haven’t managed to secure a second date. We are still in contact, and another date is on the table, but even I know it’s not a good sign that I haven’t managed to lock it down yet.
Those gathered at the summit jumped on this as a perfect example of how I’m losing respect in the eyes of the American people. They said it means that my witty charm is no longer the asset I think it to be, and that if I don’t make some sort of a major splash soon, I’m going to miss the boat and be single forever.
Everyone agreed that the whole dating website thing just didn’t seem to be working. I’m really more of a get to know me first so you can learn to love my quirks kind of guy, and that simply doesn’t come across via emails on those sights.
They’ve pushed me time and again to “get out there”, but I’ve told them I don’t want to pick up someone at a bar, and I’m not comfortable striking up a conversation with a total stranger I come across at a bookstore or the gym.
I need someone to introduce me, talk me up, and get the other party interested. Then I’m good at stepping in and taking it from there. I’m simply not a cold caller or the confident walk up to a stranger type.
That’s why my brain trust believes that throwing my hat into the ring for the 2016 Presidential Nomination is the perfect way to go. My candidacy will be my introduction to the American people, about 50% of whom are women. My campaign literature will provide basic biographical information, and the press will just take it from there.
According to those pushing this idea, the second I declare myself to be in the running, the media will be all over the story. My name and face will be out there for all the country to see, and before long, I will no longer be a total stranger to women.
I’m told that campaign stops are always swarming with supporters, and the people there would actually want to meet me.
That usual first date awkwardness would be gone. Since the media would have already picked apart and analyzed my personal life, I wouldn’t have to waste time explaining why I moved to Maine, how long I’ve been divorced, and how I feel about kids.
I could finally let the women come to me. It would be all over the news that this fresh face on the campaign trail was single, and I’m sure experts would be debating whether or not an unmarried man could run this country. Ambitious, single women would leap at the chance to be the next First Lady of the United States, right?
Of course, I don’t want someone who’s just out to live in The White House. I’d get to explain that on some Sunday morning news show, or better yet, by going on The Tonight Show and opening up my heart to Jimmy Fallon.
I’d tell the nation that I’m a hopeless romantic just looking for someone to trust with my heart. I’d make it clear that I’m looking for the All-American Girl Next Door, a true partner, and someone who would make my heart beat a little faster every time she entered the Oval Office.
My opponents would bluster that I’m only running for President to find a girlfriend, and I wouldn’t deny their accusations. I’d just say something sweet like, “What’s wrong with a man looking for the love of his life, while also trying to be the best leader he can be for the country he loves?”
In the end, all I’m asking is for someone to give me a chance to prove that I am deserving of her love. Isn’t running for President the perfect way to do that? The candidates are just hoping that the voters will be open minded, listen to their message, and give them a chance to explain why they are the best person for the job.
Isn’t that all dating is? My name is Austin and I approve this message…