Would Running For President Help Me Find A Girlfriend?

white houseMy most trusted advisers gathered at The House on the Hill last night, Modern Philosophers, to discuss how I should move forward in the coming months.

As always, the top item on their agenda was finding me a girlfriend.  Apparently, they believe that my approval rating has taken a hit because I’ve been single for too long.  They say that the American people grow suspicious of anyone who seems completely incapable of getting into a relationship.

I did not entirely disagree.  I don’t think that my relationship status should be item number on the meeting’s agenda, but I definitely accept that it is a top five concern.

However, I do pay these folks the big bucks to steer my life in the right direction, so it behooves me to listen to what they have to say.

My advisers were definitely intrigued by the fact that I’ve met someone I liked, but were not thrilled to learn that I still haven’t managed to secure a second date.  We are still in contact, and another date is on the table, but even I know it’s not a good sign that I haven’t managed to lock it down yet.

Those gathered at the summit jumped on this as a perfect example of how I’m losing respect in the eyes of the American people.  They said it means that my witty charm is no longer the asset I think it to be, and that if I don’t make some sort of a major splash soon, I’m going to miss the boat and be single forever.

voteThat was when they suggested that I run for President.  I thought it was a joke at first, but they had prepared a five page brief on why I should set my sights on The House on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Everyone agreed that the whole dating website thing just didn’t seem to be working.  I’m really more of a get to know me first so you can learn to love my quirks kind of guy, and that simply doesn’t come across via emails on those sights.

They’ve pushed me time and again to “get out there”, but I’ve told them I don’t want to pick up someone at a bar, and I’m not comfortable striking up a conversation with a total stranger I come across at a bookstore or the gym.

I need someone to introduce me, talk me up, and get the other party interested.  Then I’m good at stepping in and taking it from there.  I’m simply not a cold caller or the confident walk up to a stranger type.

That’s why my brain trust believes that throwing my hat into the ring for the 2016 Presidential Nomination is the perfect way to go.  My candidacy will be my introduction to the American people, about 50% of whom are women.  My campaign literature will provide basic biographical information, and the press will just take it from there.

According to those pushing this idea, the second I declare myself to be in the running, the media will be all over the story.  My name and face will be out there for all the country to see, and before long, I will no longer be a total stranger to women.

obamaI would then have a built in excuse to walk up to a woman, introduce myself, and chat her up.

I’m told that campaign stops are always swarming with supporters, and the people there would actually want to meet me.

That usual first date awkwardness would be gone.  Since the media would have already picked apart and analyzed my personal life, I wouldn’t have to waste time explaining why I moved to Maine, how long I’ve been divorced, and how I feel about kids.

I could finally let the women come to me.  It would be all over the news that this fresh face on the campaign trail was single, and I’m sure experts would be debating whether or not an unmarried man could run this country.  Ambitious, single women would leap at the chance to be the next First Lady of the United States, right?

Of course, I don’t want someone who’s just out to live in The White House.  I’d get to explain that on some Sunday morning news show, or better yet, by going on The Tonight Show and opening up my heart to Jimmy Fallon.

I’d tell the nation that I’m a hopeless romantic just looking for someone to trust with my heart.  I’d make it clear that I’m looking for the All-American Girl Next Door, a true partner, and someone who would make my heart beat a little faster every time she entered the Oval Office.

trumpMy opponents would bluster that I’m only running for President to find a girlfriend, and I wouldn’t deny their accusations.  I’d just say something sweet like, “What’s wrong with a man looking for the love of his life, while also trying to be the best leader he can be for the country he loves?”

In the end, all I’m asking is for someone to give me a chance to prove that I am deserving of her love.  Isn’t running for President the perfect way to do that?  The candidates are just hoping that the voters will be open minded, listen to their message, and give them a chance to explain why they are the best person for the job.

Isn’t that all dating is?  My name is Austin and I approve this message…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

45 Responses to Would Running For President Help Me Find A Girlfriend?

  1. My only concern would be what will you do when you get elected, are you actually interested in leading the country?

    • Austin says:

      I was President of my residence hall’s Student Government for my last two years at NYU. I think I could take that experience and really make this nation at Top 10 University. 🙂

  2. This sounds like a viable solution but I’m sure that you don’t want a superficial woman to take advantage of your position, or maybe you do… Either way, you need to get to work on your campaign, it’s not as easy as *just* being the face of America, you know? 😉

    • Austin says:

      I stated in the post that I’m not after someone superficial. Since I have no chances of winning, I would just try to be the face of romance… 🙂

      • I just figured that the girl next door that you’re looking for might not be battling her way through herds of women to reach you on the podium and fall at your feet but rather at home, watching it erupt television and dreaming of Mr. Romance himself. Whether you run for Presidency or secure that second date, you have our support from the sidelines! 🙂

      • Austin says:

        Thank you. I might have to add you to my Cabinet. Would you move to America for that?

      • Yes, count me in! America already feels like a second home to me and you would gain a brutally honest, sometimes semi-sarcastic, difficult to read but good with advice British person, so it’s a win-win really.

      • Austin says:

        What position in my Cabinet would interest you?

      • Advisor? Defence? Security? We could just create a new position combining all 3!

      • Austin says:

        We should get together to talk about this. I’ll have to find time in my busy campaign trail to meet with you. 🙂

  3. What about running for VP? All if the advantages, none of the responsibility!

    • Austin says:

      I don’t think you can actually run for VP. Plus, the whole point of this is to be out there in the spotlight to meet the ladies…

      • You definitely are in the spotlight as a VP, just less so. Enough that you can spend time chatting up the ladies, without reporters slamming you as a party president!
        Look at how big a splash Sarah Palin made!

  4. SD Gates says:

    I would vote for you!!!! You just have to watch out for those shallow hanger-on types that only want to be associated with you because of your power. Would you be strong enough to weed those types out? These are questions you need to ask yourself. And if you do become President, could you please do a huge house-cleaning and start with people that are in touch with reality and not only in it to benefit themselves and all their rich buddies? I would really appreciate that!!!!!!

  5. That ought to do it, but what about whipping the country into shape. When will you have time to do that when you’re mooning over your lady love.? 😀 😀

  6. Ocean Bream says:

    What a good reason to run for president! No seriously, why not. If Donald Trump reckons he is good enough, we would rather see you running. And for a nice reason too.

  7. jan says:

    I imagine running for president would get you some interesting offers… and excellent blog material for sure! Go for it!

  8. jan says:

    You’ve got my vote! Send me a bumper sticker!

  9. markbialczak says:

    Skip the run for the White House, Austin. Just make up a bunch of lawn signs seeking a (life) running mate!

  10. You have my vote Austin, we are dying of thirst out here in California.

  11. I’ve got your back. You could make a billboard sign and bumper stickers with a picture of your running shoes and the blurb: Running for Love and President of the United States.

    I’m available for hire. And dating. Just throwing that out there.

  12. Glenda says:

    I had a real good chuckle over this one and almost regret being a married old woman – LOL! Where the hell were you when I was single? Besides in a crib? Ewww…does that make me a pedophile?!

    Austin, if you’re half as clever as you would appear in your blog, don’t worry. You’re going to attract someone as equally quirky and intelligent as yourself. Push the damned envelope and find an excuse to talk to that pretty girl at the bookstore/coffee shop/library/ad infinitum. If not, you just may have to run for president…!

  13. Pingback: Hail To The Chief, He’s The Man With All The Beef! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

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