Hail To The Chief, He’s The Man With All The Beef!

The home of the guy with all the beef!

The home of the guy with all the beef!

Whenever I sing Hail To The Chief, Modern Philosophers, the words come out differently from the official version…

Hail to the Chief, he’s the man with all the beef!

I’m not sure why I started singing the song with those lyrics, or why I’d ever have the urge to sing Hail To The Chief (it happens way more than you’d expect), but there’s something about those words that are just so comforting to me.

Which, of course, brings to mind that very important question from my youth:

Where’s the beef?

These lady detectives worked the Case of the Missing Beef...

These detectives worked The Case of the Missing Beef

Who can forget that commercial?  Those poor ladies were looking everywhere for that darn beef, but no one ever told them where it was.

Clearly, they never thought to look in the White House.  That’s where the would have found the man with all the beef, who at the time was probably Ronald Reagan.  Don’t quote me on that, though.

If you are going to quote me, though, go with…

Hail to the Chief, he’s the man with all the beef!

I gotcha beef right here!

I got ya beef right here!

Like these cows, you’re most likely wondering, “What is the deal with Austin’s beef obsession?”

Thanks for asking.  I’m glad that I’ve gotten inside your head.  It’s all about the Deep Thoughts, you know.

Well, Deep Thoughts and beef.

Last week, I wrote a post about running for President to meet women.

Here’s that post in case you haven’t read it.  Don’t worry, there’s no mention of beef.

Now that post might have been a joke, or I very well could have been serious.  It was last week, and I really can’t recall what I was thinking back then.

What I do know, however, is that I received an overwhelming response (remember, the term “overwhelming” is defined differently by everyone), and almost all of it was positive (I had no idea that Donald Trump and/or his hair followed my blog, and while he/they had horrible things to say about my potential candidacy, I’m honored that they took the time to read the post) and urged me to go for it.

I vote every year, Modern Philosophers (even though that didn’t prevent Paul LePage from twice being elected Governor of Maine!), and I take politics seriously enough.  I know that running for President is a big deal, so it’s not something I want to rush into without giving it some serious Deep Thought.

And by "Me" I mean Austin!

And by “Me” I mean Austin!

It does sound like a great way to meet women.  So already, I’m positioning myself as the (potential) candidate with the big ideas.  Ladies, you know what they say about guys with big ideas, right?

As I’ve yet to go on a date since I wrote the original post, I’m thinking that a drastic step like entering the 2016 Presidential Race is exactly the kind of dare to be great situation (thank you, Lloyd Dobler!) I need to change my luck.

I’m sure people have run for office for stranger reasons.  Why not do it for love?

This idea might already be paying dividends.  A very attractive blogger named Michelle has volunteered to run my campaign.  Michelle is witty, funny, thinks the way I do (scary, right?), and shares my vision that a Presidential Campaign can be based on the simple platform of “I’m running to find a girlfriend“.

Of course, since my luck with the ladies is horrendous, Michelle lives on he other side of the country.  I’m not going to let that stop me, however, from bringing her on board to see if officially throwing my Yankees cap into the ring makes sense.

The distance is certainly not going to deter me from flirting with her every opportunity I get.  That is the whole point of this move into politics, isn’t it?

Aside from giving me great pep talks, helping me pick a theme song, and brainstorming ideas for potential sponsors, Michelle has come up with my first poster.  Want to see it?

Austin Pres FlagWhat do you think?  I look at this poster, and I want to stand up and sing Hail to the Chief at the top of my lungs.

Doesn’t the grass look great?  If I can do that with the Great Lawn of The House on the Hill, just imagine the job I’d do with the White House lawn.  That’s one more argument for why I should run.

Well, I’m going to wrap it up here.  I need to give some serious Deep Thought to entering the race, but right now, I just need to get my hands on a bacon cheeseburger…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to Hail To The Chief, He’s The Man With All The Beef!

  1. Mindy says:

    YES. You have my vote from that poster alone. I’ve always thought that going to Walmart was kind of a gamble.

  2. You know how to make a woman blush like a giddy schoolgirl, Austin. If you can do that to me, I bet you can charm the votes (and the dates!) right out of the pants of any woman you meet.

    That is one beautiful lawn you have. Call it fate, call it destiny, call it whatever you’d like, but you were born to mow that White House lawn on a kick-ass John Deere with the arms of your newly appointed First Lady wrapped around you and the Secret Service by your side.

    You’ve got this in the bag.

  3. You’re off to a great start. Go for it. 😀 😀

  4. Glenda says:

    Sooooo….now I have to register to vote?! Because if you run, my lucky bastard blogger who lives in Maine, I’ll have to vote for you. LOL! If you come out California way to campaign, hie yourself up to Northern California where you’ll be treated to organic food, hippies, medical marijuana (I work at a cannabis clinic, 😉 btw) and a totally different mindset than you’re used to. And how would you address this serious grass roots secessionist movement here for NorCal to be the 51st state of the Union named Jefferson? Ahhh. An actual question, hopefully the first of many to come! Good luck, my man.

  5. grannyK says:

    You have my vote!

  6. D. Parker says:

    I’d vote for you, except I’m Canadian, eh. 😉 You can do it! 🙂

  7. plaguedparents says:

    Just add “Loves Beef’ to the poster, it’ll be a sure winner!

  8. E.L. Wicker says:

    I VOTE AUSTIN!!!! And that beef things kind of catchy!

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