New York Bans Monopoly From Prisons After Recent Escapes

monopolyNew York Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced that Monopoly has been banned from all correctional facilities in the state.

This move comes in the wake of the recent escape of two prisoners from the Clinton Correctional Facility in Upstate New York.  One of those inmates was killed and another recaptured, and now that the crisis is over, the Governor decided it was time to take drastic measures, Modern Philosophers.

“It has been brought to my attention that Monopoly might have played a role in this recent escape, and investigators have informed me that the game was the common link in several prison escapes in New York over the last few years,” Governor Cuomo announced.

When pressed on what part the popular board game played in jail breaks, the Governor was at first reluctant to answer, citing that he didn’t want to give any ideas to the thousands of prisoners currently behind bars in the state.

After some badgering from the tabloid press, however, Cuomo relented.

get out“The two inmates who recently escaped from Clinton Correctional Facility presented a Get Out of Jail Free card from the prison’s Monopoly game to a guard at the front gate,” he informed the stunned press corps.  “The guard, knowing the rules of the game, felt he had no choice but to allow the men to leave.”

Once this information came to light, Cuomo had correctional officers check every Monopoly game inside prison walls.

The results were astonishing.

“91% of the Get Out of Jail Free cards were missing from the games,” The Governor admitted as he hung his head.  “Even worse, we uncovered a smuggling ring in which additional cards were being brought into facilities from the outside world.”

Governor Cuomo promised that the banning of Monopoly would not only lessen the number of prison breaks in the state, but would also teach the prisoners a lesson about losing things they enjoy when they break the rules.

“You cheat at the game of prison, you don’t get to play the game of Monopoly,” he said and pounded his fist against the podium for emphasis.

andrew-cuomoThe Governor also promised to better train Correctional Officers.  “They need to learn that Monopoly rules never supersede prison rules.  I know that’s going to be a difficult transition because we have been raised in a society dominated by board games, but this is 2015 and times have changed.”

Parker Brothers, the makers of Monopoly, refused to comment for this article.

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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34 Responses to New York Bans Monopoly From Prisons After Recent Escapes

  1. lbeth1950 says:

    This has to be a joke.

  2. If this isn’t true, then I bet it, at least, was under consideration.

  3. Lisa says:

    How can a game help them escape??? i did not catch it! How?

  4. This got a smile out of me 🙂

  5. swo8 says:

    Of course.
    Leslie

  6. Angie says:

    You totally made my day!

  7. You are silly. (and you know I consider that a good thing)

  8. jan says:

    Another hilarious story for Onion!

  9. Now that was funny!

    Shame your president doesn’t like new technology.
    https://transitionu.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/gps-n-new-technology/

  10. Haha, brilliant! 😉

    Now that I’m armed with this info., I think I’ll take the Monopoly money to indulge in a spot of retail therapy…. at the mall, perhaps?

  11. Sabina says:

    Loved this!! Of course, when you think about it, some people truly ARE dealt a “get out of jail free” card in life…

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