Whenever I’m on a first date, it reminds me to write another Dating Tips posts so that you guys are well informed when you head out into the dating world.
Tonight’s post is about a problem that I am sure many of you encounter on a first date: Is the person sitting across from me actually a Bounty Hunter?
As always, I remind you that I am a man who dates women, so the date in this post will be referred to as a female. However, these tips apply to both sexes.
Did she seek you out for the date? While it is always flattering to be asked on a date, don’t get so giddy about it that you let down your guard. Sure, it could mean that she is a modern woman, but it could also mean that she is using a first date as a ruse to get you out in the open. It’s the oldest Bounty Hunter trick in the book.
Does she seem too good to be true? Let’s face it, first dates are usually awkward and uncomfortable. If your date is extremely attractive, a little too charming, and a tad too attentive and flirty, she might be too good to be true.
First dates should never be smooth sailing, so if your date is going perfectly, this is probably your last night of freedom. Enjoy it while you can, as you will soon be in handcuffs (and not in the good way!).
Was she persistent? Did your date keep after you to go out even though you didn’t seem interested? Did she refuse to take no for an answer and continue to pursue you despite your blowing her off? You’re not that irresistible, so it’s more than likely she is a Bounty Hunter determined to turn you in for the reward.
Did she suggest you go to your favorite place? Letting you go to the place of your choice on a first date? Something is very fishy there. She wants you to be as relaxed as possible so you don’t see it coming. Wake up. You weren’t born yesterday!
That’s why booze is usually involved. It not only helps you to handle the never ending barrage of questions, but it also allows you to wash down the bad taste of how boring your life actually is.
If your date already knows an inordinate amount about you, it probably means she has had you under surveillance and was studying your file/rap sheet. No one is ever that well prepared for a first date, Modern Philosophers.
Did she arrive first? One of my most important rules of a First Date is “Always arrive first!” This allows you to scout the place and locate all the exits so you can get the hell out of there in an emergency.
If she got there first, it’s because she scouted the place to figure out how you might try to escape, and to find the best place to take you into custody without making a scene.
This is a first date, though, and you’re not that amazing, so I doubt the earpiece is for that reason.
She’d only wear body armor is if she thinks you are going to shoot her. Do you plan to shoot your date? You don’t need an expert to tell you that shooting your date will exponentially decrease your chances of getting a second date.
So, if she’s got an earpiece and body armor, she is a Bounty Hunter communicating with the rest of her team, and prepared for you to get violent when you try to escape.
Is she armed? If your date is armed, get the hell out of there!!! She’s probably planning to kill you, which is even worse than having her turn out to be a Bounty Hunter.
Does she keep bringing the conversation around to Boba Fett? Usually, having a date who likes Star Wars is a very good sign. However, if she keeps bringing the conversation back to Boba Fett, then there is a disturbance in the Force.
I know people think he’s bad ass, but he is a very minor character who should not get that much talk time on a first date.
If she has a Boba fetish, then she is probably a Bounty Hunter.
Does she smell of Carbonite? Acquaint yourself with the scent of Carbonite. If you catch even the faintest hint of it, then it’s a trap. Flee!
Are you wanted by the authorities or have you jumped bail? If so, there’s a good chance that the attractive person sitting across from you, nursing a water while plying you with drinks, is a Bounty Hunter.
Did you arrive for your date in the Millennium Falcon? You scoundrel! Why didn’t you just say so from the start? If you arrived in the Falcon, then you already know this is a trap and that’s a Bounty Hunter making goo goo eyes at you from across the table.
You also know exactly what you’re doing and don’t need my help. Just try not to make too much of a mess while you’re blasting your way out of there. The rest of us might also be on a date there.
For those of you not named Han Solo, I suggest you study this post before every first date, just to make sure you’re not walking into a trap.
May the Force be with you…