How To Tell If Your Date Is A British Spy

bad dateHappy Independence Day, Modern Philosophers!

Many of you will be celebrating the Fourth of July at parties, where you will meet new people, and maybe make plans for a date.

It’s time for another Dating Tips posts to make sure you’re safe when you go on that first date with the someone special you meet on Independence Day.

There is a chance your date could be a British spy.  Sure, we’re allies with England now, but they’ve never really gotten over the Revolutionary War and the whole Declaration of Independence thing.

As a result, they have sent hundreds of sleeper spies to become part of American society, marry us, and then turn our half British offspring against us.

The following tips will help you to discern if your date is a British spy.  As always, since I am a man who dates women, the date in this post will be female.  However, these tips are meant for both sexes.

A couple on a dateIs she wearing a red coat?  The Brits are creatures of habit, and they stubbornly refuse to admit that invading America while dressed in red was a bad bit of military strategy.  As a result, they love to wear the color.  Sure, it looks great, but it’s a dead giveaway that your date is a British spy.

Does she have an accent?  This is a tricky one, Modern Philosophers.  Any spy worth her salt isn’t going to let her British accent slip out on your date.  So, if your date has a British accent, there is an excellent chance she is not a British spy.  Be wary of a date with no discernible accent, however, because the only “Americans” without one are British actors and spies trying to pass themselves off as one of us.

How are her teeth?  Everyone knows that Brits have horrible teeth.  I think it has something to do with driving on the left side of the road.  If your date has choppers from hell, she might be a spy.  Try to work the names of good local Orthodontists into the conversation, so if she isn’t a spy she can get help.

bad date 5Does she talk about football often, but the wrong kind?  If you can find a date who is into sports, then you are a lucky guy.

What you need to remember, though, is that in most of the world “football” is the code name for soccer, a sport that puts me to sleep when I simply think about it.  So, if she’s really into football, but she’s not talking about teams like the Jets or the Patriots, she’s probably a British spy yammering on about soccer…(yawn).

Does she prefer shepherd’s pie to apple pie?  No red blooded American would ever choose that first dish (which has to be the most disgusting dessert I’ve ever had) over the All American apple pie.  If she wants shepherd’s pie, she also wants you to bow down before the Queen.

bad date 8Does she introduce herself by saying her last name, then her first name and last name?  Bond.  Jane Bond.  No one says their name like that except for British spies.  Perhaps Yoda would do it if he had more than one name, but he doesn’t, so it is a moot point.  You should always listen to your date, but the way she says her name is vital, so really pay attention.

After she says something flirty, does she punctuate it with “Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more”?  That’s a classic Monty Python line, which means she grew up on British humor.  British spy for sure, maybe even from the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Will she not shut up about the Royal Family?  This is another tough one, but I want it to be on your radar, Modern Philosophers.  So many Americans are obsessed with the Royals, that it’s no longer a giveaway that someone is a British spy.  However, if your date knows about obscure Royal Family cousins and the ugly ones you never see in the tabloids, then she is most likely a British spy.

bad date 2Does she ask for the location of the loo or the WC?  Those are British code words for the can or the john.  Who in her right mind calls the restroom a water closet?  Terms like that led to our Founding Fathers wanting to escape from England’s rule.  If she wants to skip to the loo, you’d better run for the door!

Does she ask if she can have some of your chips while you are eating your bacon cheeseburger?  More weird British lingo.  They refer to French fries as chips.  Let her have them because she is a British spy and you need to leave.

Will she only drink tea?  Unless it’s Snapple, she is a British spy who has never been able to shake an addiction that is a dead giveaway to her true country of origin.

bad date 9Does she keep asking if you want to “Shag, Baby”?  Dead giveaway there. American women are angels who would never sleep with you on a first date.

Plus “shag” is so British that the word needs a passport just to be used in America.

Sure, you might get lucky if you take her up on your offer, but then you have also been seduced by a British spy.  If we end up being conquered by England, we will blame you and your pathetic willpower.

Does she not sing along when a rousing rendition of The National Anthem breaks out during your date?  Any true American would stand up, put her hand over her heart, and sing along.  If your date doesn’t, she’s a British spy who never bothered to learn the words.  For shame!

Does she say “jag-u-ar” instead of “jaguar”?  Work the word into conversation.  It can be the animal or the car.  Her training will tell her to say it the proper American way, but her hoity toity British genetics will take over and insist she say it the annoying British way.  Where do they get off talking like that?

bad date 10Does she have a Hogwarts tattoo?  If she does, that means she might be British, but she’s a Witch rather than a spy.

You definitely want to lock down a Hogwarts graduate, so remember all the dating advice I’ve ever given you and do not screw up.  This one is definitely a keeper.

I hope these Independence Day dating tips come in handy.  Have a happy and safe Fourth of July, and good luck out there in the dating world!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to How To Tell If Your Date Is A British Spy

  1. herheadache says:

    Love these.
    Reminded me of a hilarious storyline from Arrested Development.

  2. amommasview says:

    American man are safe to party now 😉

  3. AthenaC says:

    Uh oh … I’m wearing a red sweatshirt, I have an accent (I speak Japanese with a Chinese accent (or so I’m told)), my teeth could use a bit of whitening, I’m down with shagging on the first date, and I might have a Hogwarts tattoo (the dragon tattoo has been getting a little grouchy lately). Does that mean that I am the British spy?


    What do I do? Is my husband in any danger?

  4. Haha! Yup, I must be a British spy then! Oh, and with jag-u-ar it’s a-lu-min-ium not this aluminum rubbish I hear from you guys 😉

  5. Oh, and it’s a spring onion, not a scallion…

  6. The Chaos Realm says:

    Still keeping a weather eye out for the witchy Hogwarts graduate *wink* 🙂 LOL

  7. donedreaming says:

    You need to brace yourself for this unwanted (!) attention from all manner of foreign spies with your plan to run for President. These wiley women will stop at nothing to get what they need from you so, like flagship SS Enterprise, prepare to be boarded.

  8. I generally assume that all my dates are British spies. The idea that some woman could actually be interested in all this is preposterous and surely just a pretense to retake the colonies.

  9. Joy says:

    Laughing out loud here as I sit next to my own personal British Spy 🙂 He hates the Royals and Harry Potter, and still has a very charming accent. I think I’m safe. He did knock me up though….maybe I should still sleep with one eye open….

  10. Joanne says:

    Love it! Though I should warn you, most Brits are so Americanised these days, you may need to be on your guard for double bluffs from these spies! 😉

  11. Joanne says:

    Oooh, also, the Jaguar thing really made me laugh, only because this morning there was an American guy on TV saying it your way! Quite honestly as Jaguar (the car that is) is native to my home city (just up the road from where I live) then we’re right! (What am I saying? We are right on all language points! ;D)

  12. Reblogged this on Bookshelf Battle and commented:
    This dude has one of the funnier blogs I’ve read on wordpress.

    And to think, all those women hitting on me were undercover redcoats the entire time.

    I think Victoria Gloria is on the up and up, but let me know if you see her do anything British.

    – Bookshelf Q. Battler

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