More Single Men Turning To The Dark Side…Of The Bed

EmpireWho can ever forget that iconic scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Modern Philosophers, when Luke is hanging off the catwalk and Darth Vader is revealing family secrets?

Vader reaches out to the fruit of his loins and makes his pitch about joining the family business.  He says something like…

“Join me on the Dark Side.  We have cookies.  We can rule the galaxy together as father and son!”

Luke gets all rebellious, tells Dad to stick it, and then goes for a bungee jump but forgets to strap himself in first.

My reaction to that scene, every time I see it, is extreme anger at Luke for not asking Vader what kind of cookies they have on the Dark Side.  Now I’ll never know.

Could these be from the Dark Side?

Could these be from the Dark Side?

But I digress, Modern Philosophers.  This post is really about something every man must deal with once he ventures into the world of dating.  (Again, I remind you that I write from the perspective of a man who gets dumped by women, so the ex in this post will be referred to as a female).

bedWe’ve all been through it after a breakup: the issue with the bed.

It is a constant reminder of the relationship, but you can’t burn it or throw it out like all the other things that remind you of her because you kinda still need it.

Which poses a mighty dilemma.

There’s your side of the bed, and then there’s her side of the bed…

The Dark Side of the Bed.

What do you do about the Dark Side?  Some guys change the sheets right away to get rid of her scent, while others refuse to change them because they want to still be able to smell her as they toss and turn in the dark all night.

But do they toss and turn onto the Dark Side?  For years, the popular belief among men who have suffered a breakup has been to fight the power of the Dark Side.  The thought being that nothing good could come from going over to the other side.

Recently, however, that trend has changed.  BenMore men are turning to the Dark Side.

Tired of surviving on half a bed, guys have been ignoring that little voice in their heads whispering for them to search their feelings and use The Force.

Instead, they are giving in to temptation and seeing what the Dark Side has to offer.

I am a Jedi, like my father before me!

According to Dr. Alexandra Foster, a renowned relationship psychologist, men find the lure of the Dark Side of the Bed too powerful to ignore any longer.  “Men grew up watching their fathers sleep on the couch whenever there was trouble at home.  This generation doesn’t want to go out like that.  They’re rebels at heart.”

Would Luke be proud of their not wanting to turn into their fathers, or would he be ashamed of their giving in to the power of the Dark Side?

obi-vs-darth“All I know is that my lightsaber feels a lot more powerful now that I’ve stopped being a little coward and finally claimed my rightful place on the Dark Side of the Bed,” a breakup victim told this Modern Philosopher.

“I feel much more in control of my life now that I’ve turned to the Dark Side of the Bed,” added another gentleman.  “My lightsaber looks a lot bigger and brighter now.”

Dr. Foster explained that it made sense for men to feel more powerful once they have embraced the Dark Side of the Bed.  “The Dark Side was where they felt loved, desired, manly, and in control.  By ignoring the Dark Side, they were becoming mere shadows of the greatest versions of themselves.”

Death StarI still avoid the Dark Side of the Bed, Modern Philosophers.

It’s not that I don’t want to feel that power again, it’s just that I’d rather wait for a reason to make the journey.

A true Jedi understands the power of patience.

He might still wonder, however, what kind of cookies they have on the Dark Side…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to More Single Men Turning To The Dark Side…Of The Bed

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    You might try another option – sleeping diagonally across the whole bed. If you’re feeling nostalgic for your ex, sleep with your head on the Dark Side. If you’re feeling angry about the whole thing, put your feet over there, metaphorically wiping your feet on that failed relationship.

    Or, you could just get a twin sized bed. Admittedly, a smaller bed will make inviting a sleep-together arrangement…awkward, but you won’t have a Dark Side crisis ever again 🙂

    • Austin says:

      By sleeping diagonally still means you have to cross over to the Dark Side! It seems to be the trend these days…

      • Sofia Leo says:

        Not entirely. You’d still be “on the fence,” safely anchored on the Right Side. It might create an internal conflict, but perhaps occasional forays would enable you to take it back…

      • Austin says:

        This post was more about the trend of men moving to the Dark Side. I will take that journey when I’m ready. 🙂

  2. floridaborne says:

    Devils food cookies, of course. 🙂

    Dark side of the bed? Perhaps it’s time to invest in a new bedroom set. 🙂

  3. Oreos, because there’s still a little light within the darkness. Plus, it’s a bonding sort of cookie, isn’t it?

  4. List of X says:

    Just be careful not to get the cookie crumbs in either side of the bed, or this will make for some uncomfortable sleeping.

  5. The last time I became single I embraced the dark side with a vengeance. I slept spreadeagled in the middle — left side in the dark, right side in the light — a veritable mistress of the twilight. It is good to be the emperor of the entire realm! And all the cookies are MINE!

  6. TanGental says:

    Well, while this does seem like a major issue, in my experience the really bad Star Wars bed analogy occurs when you allow a little Joda into your life and they creep into the demilitarised zone between you, bringing their own light Sabres in the shape of Lego bricks, turning sideways and pushing you both to the edge of your realm where you develop a prehensile buttock to enable you to stay in bed when more than half your body weight is hanging off the edge and you are woken with ‘up wake it is, needing milk I be’

  7. Interesting your post is. Yes, looking you say, cookies you ask? White chocolate with strawberry perhaps on the dark side? The matter of the fact unimportant it is, yes.

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