Pope Francis has been asked to come to Maine, Modern Philosophers, to exorcise my state of its LePage Demons.
That would be a reference to Governor Paul LePage, the man who seems hellbent on running Maine into the ground while offending every citizen in the process.
At last check, LePage seems well on his way to achieving those goals.
“I don’t usually get involved in local politics, Austin,” The Holy Father explained via Skype. “However, I know this is your home state, so I take anything regarding Maine very seriously, my friend.”
Let me remind you, Modern Philosophers, that Pope Francis was named this blog’s 2013 Being of the Year and is definitely a good friend of those at The House on the Hill.
“I have been overwhelmed with requests on this subject, and they are not only from Catholics,” The Pontiff continued as he held up a box filled with handwritten letters and emails to emphasize his point. “People of all creeds are asking for my help, so it looks like your Governor LePage has found a way to unite the people of Maine.”
But how do we know that LePage is possessed? Could it be that the man is just an enormous prick, who enjoys antagonizing the people he was elected to lead?
“I do not think your Governor is possessed at all,” Pope Francis corrected me with a smile. “It is Maine that is possessed and he is the Demon. I have prayed on this for weeks, and have asked the Lord to give me the strength to combat such a powerful evil.”
Does the popular leader of the Catholic Church, nicknamed The Partying Pontiff by this blogger for his love of throwing Holiday parties, have what it takes to rid Maine of such a terrifyingly dark power?
“I guess we are going to find out,” the Pope replied.
Will you release Maine from your evil grasp???
While the Catholic Church generally frowns on using the practice popularized by Peter Blatty’s novel and the subsequent motion picture of the same name, Pope Francis said that it was definitely not out of the question.
“What is going on in Maine is not your every day Demonic possession,” he explained as he flipped through a tattered paperback copy of The Exorcist. “You are talking about an entire state possessed by a Demonic force. As you would say in your action movies, this is when you call in the big guns.”
Governor LePage shows no sign of letting loose his grip on Maine.
His well publicized outbursts, vengeful acts, and unkind words are behaviors you would expect from a three year old having a temper tantrum because he can’t have his way.
LePage is not three years old, Modern Philosophers. He is a grown man, who somehow managed to twice get elected Governor of Maine. The way he behaves would get anyone under the age of 18 either grounded, or sent to his room without dessert.
At the very least, there would be some form of punishment. However, LePage walks away from every incident unscathed.
Why is this guy still allowed to make a mockery of the political process, on what seems like a daily basis, without any consequences for his actions?
“Those are questions I cannot answer,” The Pontiff answered with a shrug. “Let me pray on this some more, and then I will let you know if an exorcism is possible.”
For now, Pope Francis advised Mainers to stay strong, ignore the big brat down in the Augusta, and just focus on the fact that LePage cannot be elected to a third term.
“The Lord works in mysterious ways, Austin,” The Pope reminded me. “He must have a reason for why He is putting the good people of Maine through this, but at the moment, it is one of the greatest mysteries I’ve come across in my life.”
Thank God for term limits, Modern Philosophers!
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