What To Do When Your Date Reveals She’s A Time Traveler

bad dateI was out in the garage, tinkering with my time machine, Modern Philosophers, when I had the Deep Thought that it was time to write a new dating tips post.

As time travel was on my mind, I thought I’d address an issue that very well could come up on a first date.  Since technology is so advanced, and people are meeting online, you never really know who is going to sit down across from you on a blind date.

I thought that we should review what to do in the event that your date reveals that she is a time traveler.

As always, since I am a man who dates women, the date in the post will be referred to as a female.  However, these tips apply to members of both sexes.

bad date 7Make her prove it.  It’s a first date.  You’ve never met her before.  She probably fudged some facts to make herself seem more interesting.

Now she’s dropped this major bomb, so there’s no way you can just take her word for it.  We’ve all seen enough movies to know that any time traveler worth her salt will take steps to be able to prove her claim.

You’re not a jerk if you put her on the spot.  It’s only the first date, so it’s not like you’d be destroying a trust you’ve built up over a long relationship.  Tell her, in no uncertain terms, to either show you some proof, or hit the road back to whatever year she calls home.

Ask to see her time machine.  If you accept her supporting documentation, and buy that she is a time traveler, you’ve got to ask to see the time machine.  Don’t let her tell you she hid it someplace far away and then hitched a ride to your date.

This isn’t 1955.  She’s not going to leave a piece of technology that advanced and valuable parked behind a sign on the highway.  It’s somewhere nearby.  Make her show it to you.

bad date 6Demand to time travel.  This should be a no brainer.  If your date is a time traveler, and you convince her to show you her time machine, you’d better make sure you get to time travel in it with her.

No excuses.  This is a first date, and you need to show her that you are confident, cocky, and won’t back down.

If you let her talk you out of this, then you are giving her the position of power in this relationship, and you are in big trouble.

Man up and get her to take you back to the future.  Or to the past.  Just time travel.

Find out if she was sent to kill you.  You should always be on guard against a blind date trying to kill you.  I established that as rule number one in my very first dating tips post, Modern Philosophers.

As we all know, time travelers don’t always come in peace.  Sometimes, they are on a mission to kill you.  So, before you get into that time machine with her, you might want to find out if she has homicidal intent.

bad date 5Determine if she is human.  If the Terminator movies have taught us anything, it’s that throwing awesome special effects at a confusing plot can make for a very high grossing film.

They have also taught us that some time travelers are not human.

You must figure out if she is human, cyborg, Alien, or something else entirely.  I’m not sure how you are going to do it, but your life could depend on it, so be creative.

Just remember, humans bleed red.   I’m not suggesting anything.  Just stating a fact.

Calculate the age difference.  If she is human and from the future, ask her when she was born and then calculate how much older than her you actually are.

Can you live with that age difference?  Not everyone is into that kind of thing.

bad date 4Ask yourself if you can handle a long distance relationship.  If she is a time traveler from the future, that’s about as long distance as it gets.

Some couples can make that work, but for others, it is a real burden.

Really give this one some thought because you might not want to give your heart to someone who is going to take it hundreds of years into the future.

Find out if she is there to recruit you to save the world.  Not everyone is built to handle the hero’s journey.  If that’s not your cup of tea, you need to know right away if she tricked you into going on a date in order to convince you to be the savior of the world.

Sure, it will suck if that ends up being the case, but wouldn’t you rather know up front before you fall for her only to realize she’s really not that into you?

bad date 2Use the time travel thing as an excuse if you think the date isn’t going well.  It does not make you a jerk if you use her time travel thing as an excuse to bail on seeing her again.

Remember, she wasn’t truthful with you from the start, so she is in the wrong here.

If you’re not feeling it, just tell her time traveling isn’t your bag.  Even if you are lying through you teeth since we all know everyone loves time travel!

Find out if she knows Doc Brown.  Doc is my idol, mentor, and this blog’s biggest financial supporter.  Shoot me an email if she claims to know Doc, and I’ll ask him about her.  She might think she’s the only time traveler around, but we all know better.

I hope these dating tips were helpful.  Remember, while time travel is totally awesome, the fact that your date is a time traveler doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s “the one”.

Be smart out there in the dating world, Modern Philosophers!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

51 Responses to What To Do When Your Date Reveals She’s A Time Traveler

  1. Hilarious as always Austin! I have one question though. If your date is from the future, wouldn’t she be younger than you? (Possibly much…MUCH younger than you?) In fact I feel like someone could get into some really tricky legal issues with this scenario.

  2. Ahhh. One of my top favorite movies is about time travel: Safety Not Guaranteed. Please tell me you’ve seen it. Lie to me and then watch it on Netflix if you must.

  3. I’m supposed to still be trapped in algebraic fuckery (long story), but nooooooo, I have to sit here glued to my screen procrastinating with something much more vital than anything that has to do with aforementioned algebraic fuckery.

  4. Zack says:

    This makes me think of the episode of Upright Citizens Brigade with the time travel. That’s one of the best ones.

  5. AthenaC says:

    If you find out that your date is a time-traveler, RUN do not walk to the nearest exit. Change your name, place of residence, daily routine, and appearance to become more invisible. Why? I’ll explain:

    – If your date reveals that she is a time-traveler, she is in outright violation of the Temporal Prime Directive.
    – If you merely happen to find out that she is a time-traveler, she is sloppy regarding the Temporal Prime Directive.

    People who disobey or are sloppy with the Temporal Prime Directive are not people that you want in your life.

  6. hollie says:

    I wouldn’t go on a second date with anyone who made me prove anything, demanded anything, or made me show him anything… Just sayin

  7. ksbeth says:

    make sure to always practice ‘safe blog.’

  8. Jessie says:

    Such a great post, thanks for making me smile! By the way, I will remember your advice once I have a date with time traveller. ^^

    • Austin says:

      I’m glad you liked it, Jessie. I have a whole series of dating tips post, so you might want to read those so you’re prepared for any scenario. 🙂

  9. Good God, first I have to worry about whether or not my date is a British spy. Now she might be a time traveler. Is there no intend to the treachery these females try to impose on us?

    Is it possible that she might be a time traveling British spy?

  10. A very intriguing post, Austin. My wife seems to be stuck in time rather a time traveler. She reached an age she was happy with and has aged no more. Is this a variation on the theme or a whole new category?

  11. The Cutter says:

    But not all time travelers bring the machine with them.

  12. samanthalaycock22 says:

    Love it!!

  13. After she proved she was a time traveler, I’d do everything possible so she fell in love with me. Then I’d give her some gold to carry back in time and buy a few thousand dollars worth of stocks at their lowest point (in my name) in, for instance, Google, Apple, Microsoft, etc. I’d even be willing to cut her in for half the profits, and when she returned after I sold all the stocks, there would be a huge estate with a castle on it for her to return to. Got to be loyal to the goose that lays the golden egg and not be too demanding, after all. :o) Greed always sinks the ships.

    • Austin says:

      You should write a story about that! 🙂

      • LOL

        Now, if there was only time to write everything I want to write. I don’t even have time to keep up with Twitter and posting to my Blogs. The next book has to be squeezed in.

      • Austin says:

        Well, that is where time travel would be extremely beneficial to you. 🙂

      • I was thinking the same thing, but going back in time to carve out a few years to write, revise and edit the next book wouldn’t stop the aging process. I might return on the same day I left, but I’d be a few years older and still running out of time. LOL

        But it would work if the aging process stopped on those time jumps. Jump out at age 30, live in the past for a decade stuck at that age, and then jump back to the same day you left and stilt be age thirty without the body aging one day.

      • Austin says:

        These are all very interesting Deep Thoughts. 🙂

  14. Tim Gatewood says:

    Reblogged this on Minister is a Verb and commented:
    Funny, funny stuff! Strangely compelling and it may be useful for some of my readers.

  15. Tim Gatewood says:

    I laughed until it hurt! You are one twistedly funny writer. So, I reblogged it. Thank you for brightening my weekend.

  16. Kathleen Hackett says:

    But what if you’re a time traveler? Should you reply, “Oh really, I am, too?” Or would that screw up the space-time continuum?
    And what if your date knows Marty, but not Doc? Or what if she knows…Clara?
    Speaking of Clara, have you met her?

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