Author Turned Into Toad After Publishing “Harry PottErotica”

harryStrange story out of Milford, Maine today, Modern Philosophers…

Suzette LeBlanc, a local author who fancied herself to be a Harry Potter expert and super fan, has been transformed into a big, ugly, scary toad.

The incident took place shortly after LeBlanc published her first novelization of what she referred to as “Harry PottErotica”.  The book, entitled “The Night Harry Potter’s Wand Chose Hermione”, was made available for download via the author’s website at midnight.

Six hours later, when LeBlanc’s sister checked on her to see what she wanted for breakfast, the lifelong Milford resident had already been turned into a toad.

“Scared the bejesus out of me, it did,” Esther LeBlanc confided in this Modern Philosopher when we spoke at the home shared by the sisters and their thirteen cats.  “Suzette was never a looker, but she certainly wasn’t as ugly as that thing.”

The younger LeBlanc then glared across the room at the giant toad that sat on the elder LeBlanc’s favorite chair.

“It’s getting slime all over her chair is what it’s doing!” she wailed before breaking down into a serious bout of weeping.

harry toadYou’re probably asking what “Harry PottErotica” is, Modern Philosophers, and you would not be the only one with that question on the tip of your brain.

“Harry PottErotica is fan fiction about the characters from J. K. Rowling’s beloved series as told from a sexually provocative perspective,” explained Rodney Riley, who introduced himself as Suzette LeBlanc’s dearest friend and fellow “Harry PottErotica” writer.  “Think 50 Shades Of Grey Goes To Hogwarts!”

I’d rather not have such thoughts, thank you very much.

“There are so many Harry Potter fans out there who wished that Harry and Hermione had ended up together,” Riley continued.  “They really are the perfect couple.  Nothing against the Weasley siblings, but as true fans of the books and characters, we could see that they were destined to end up together.”

Harry HermioneAnd since J.K. Rowling wouldn’t pair up Harry and Hermione, LeBlanc, Riley, and hundreds like them did it themselves.

“It’s not like we’re pervs,” Riley assured me as he allowed the toad to hop into his lap.  “It’s like a rule that all “Harry PottErotica” has to take place after the characters have turned 21.  Anyone who tried to write them younger was blackballed.”

According to Riley, LeBlanc was the J.K. Rowling of this particular niche genre.

“Suzie knew the characters better than J.K. Rowling did.  That’s why she wrote them so well in her own stories,” he insisted.  “She had to be the one to write the first full length PottErotica novel and publish.  It was like the Sorting Hat made it so.”

Quick research revealed that hundreds of PottErotica chat rooms, news groups, and Facebook pages existed on the Internet.  The members of these groups were very passionate about their subject matter.

hagrid“Most of us focused on the Harry and Hermione story, but there’s a whole world of characters out there, so people would delve into new pairings.  Stories with Hagrid are very popular,” he told me excitedly as he zipped through a chat room occupied by 53 members, while I diverted my eyes to keep from reading anything and sullying my memory of Rowling’s wonderful tales.

“Some writers put themselves in the stories,” Riley informed me as he shook his head disapprovingly.  “Suzie always said that if you weren’t in the books you shouldn’t exist in PottErotica.  People listened to her.  She was like the Pied Piper of PottErotica.”

So who turned the Pied Piper into the ugliest toad I’ve ever seen?

JKJ.K. Rowling would not comment for this article.  Nor would her publisher, the production company behind the Harry Potter films, Rowling’s lawyers, or anyone officially associated with Rowling’s beloved universe.

Since this is Maine, I knew exactly who to ask about “the toading”.  The moment I stepped into Three Toads & A Wicked Lady, Maine’s most popular Witch bar, I was greeted by the establishment’s three owners.

Aside from owning the bar, they are the most powerful Witches in Maine, preside over its largest Coven, and are close personal friends of this Modern Philosopher.

corner boothThey led me to my favorite booth, conjured up a steaming plate of Buffalo Witchin’ Wings and an ice cold Snapple, and slid into the other side.

“We know you’re here about the unfortunate incident in Milford this morning,” Waltzing Matilda, the leader of the trio, stated without being prompted.  “We hope that all the wings you can eat and Snapple you can drink will make our blanket “No Comment” easier to swallow.”

The three of them would normally cackle in unison at this point, but since they didn’t, I knew they were serious.  Eager to get something for my story, though, I turned to Ti-Diana, the youngest of my dinner dates and the one who had a huge crush on me.  I flashed her my most charming smile and made goo goo eyes at her.

However, she just stared back at me stone faced.  “Austin, you know we adore you, but this is a private Witching matter that we simply cannot discuss.  We trust that you will honor our wishes, and not hold it against us.”

I laughed it off, told my hosts that it was perfectly fine, and invited them to dig into the wings with me.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned from staring at an ugly toad all day, it’s that you don’t do anything to further upset a Witch, let alone three of them.

Witch Island“Some things are sacred,” Volcanica Ivy volunteered after she tossed her chicken bones onto the discard place.  “The world of Harry Potter is one such thing.  Corrupting that is always going to have consequences.”

Matilda and Diana nodded in agreement as they munched on their Witchin’ Wings.

I smiled, sipped my Snapple, and made a mental note to be very careful about what I write about Harry Potter in my blog.  I don’t like warts.  Not one bit..

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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17 Responses to Author Turned Into Toad After Publishing “Harry PottErotica”

  1. Karin says:

    Love this! Still laughing 😀

  2. Ali Isaac says:

    Very funny! Sounds like your research is leading you into some very dangerous situations… Be very careful out there!

  3. Mindy says:

    Hahaha this was great, add on the fact that I love Harry Potter and this was perfect!

  4. They really should have ended up together.

  5. JED says:

    I think I now have way too much information about some Harry potter fans. Thanks for that

  6. As an unabashedly devoted Potterhead, I must say that this is my favorite piece by you to date and will remain that way indefinitely. You just can’t top this one…nope, nope, nope.

  7. 13 soon to be hungry cats and one toad. :o)

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