One Hell Of A Deep Thought

running hellI sat down on the couch, freshly showered after my run, and chugged half of my glass of chocolate milk in one thirsty gulp.

The Devil put down his newspaper and smiled.  “I was beginning to think that Snapple was the only beverage your body would accept.”

I rolled my eyes at my impeccably dressed guest and then wiped away my chocolate milk mustache.  “I always treat myself to a glass of chocolate milk after a run.”

“I really must applaud you on your new found dedication to running,” Lucifer said as he snatched a Snapple out of the cooler.  “You’ve actually inspired me.”

Being sure not to get a drop of iced tea on his thousand dollar suit, he took a mighty sip of what had also become his favorite drink.

“So you’ve been running?” I asked in surprise.

DevilThe Prince of Darkness had a good chuckle.  “Me?  Run?  Come on now, Austin.  Look at this physique.  This isn’t a runner’s body.  This is chiseled perfection that can only be attained in one manner.”

“I keep forgetting you’re Satan,” I replied with a shake of the head.  “You can change form at will.  You don’t have to work to look like that.  You just snap your evil fingers, and so it is done.”

That earned me a Devilish grin.  “You sound jealous.  Didn’t the Nuns teach you that envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins?”

“No, but I did see Seven, so I knew that,” I quipped and then finished my chocolate milk.

“What’s in the box?  What’s in the box?!?!?!” The Devil asked in a spot on impression of Brad Pitt from the flick.

“So if you don’t run, how do I inspire you?” I asked to get the conversation back on track.

“You’re not going to like this,” Lucifer cautioned as he handed me a Snapple to help take the edge off whatever he was about to tell me.  “I’ve seen how miserable running makes you, and I’ve read on your blog about how much you hate it.  So naturally, I instituted mandatory morning runs in Hell.”

“Oh boy…” I sighed and took a long sip of my Snapple to dull the pain.

just run“Every morning at 5:00, all of Hell awakens and runs four miles,” he notified me with a wink.  “And there’s no shady side of the street on which to run in Hell.  Thanks for the inspiration.”

“I am so glad I’m not going to Hell,” I declared as I slammed my bottle down on the table in disgust.

“How do you know you’re not already there?” The Prince of Darkness asked mockingly.

I gave him a sideways glance.  “Funny.”

“I’m not joking,” Satan insisted.  “Give it some Deep Thought, Mr. Modern Philosopher.  You are often in the presence of The Devil, are you not?”

“Sure, but there’s usually a Leprechaun running around here, too, and that doesn’t mean I’m in Ireland,” I countered in a surly tone.

“Your dating life is an absolute disaster,” The Devil continued as if he hadn’t even heard my amazing Leprechaun argument.  “In fact, I’ve heard you say on numerous occasions that dating is Hell.”

“It is, but that doesn’t mean I’m in Hell.”  I glared across at my annoying guest.

bad date“Every time you think a date goes well, she wants nothing to do with you,” he reminded me as if I’d ever forget that fact.  “When a date wants to see you again, you’re not interested.  It’s as if the system has been rigged to increase your suffering.”

He flashed me a Devilish smile this time.

“While that sounds like something you would do to punish the Damned, you didn’t invent dating,” I stated with confidence even though, for all I knew, Satan had a patent on dating.  It wouldn’t surprise me.

“You’re alone, which bothers you immensely,” he continued to pile on the facts like a prosecutor going after a defendant.  “Dying alone is your deepest fear, and every night you go to bed all by yourself, you toss and turn in the dark thinking about how that phobia is looking more and more like your destiny.”

“Okay,” I said throwing up my hands in surrender.  “You’ve made your point.  Let’s watch the Yankee game.”

Lucifer snatched the remote control off the table before I could get to it.  Clearly, he was not finished with this conversation.

swing“The love of your life is in another time zone and will not acknowledge your existence.  That weighs on you every day, breaks your heart just a little more, and makes you question if you are ever going to be happy or loved again.  If I were going to create the most Hellish experience for you, Austin, this would be it.”

I looked over at him, but could say nothing.  I sensed that all the color had drained out of my face, and I felt  lightheaded because for once in my life, only one Deep Thought occupied my mind…

“Maybe you’re right,” I muttered and then rose from the couch on shaking legs that could barely support me.

“I’m just messing with you,” The Devil assured me and chuckled.

“I’m not feeling well,” I mumbled as I headed for the stairs.  “Make sure to lock up behind you.  If this is Hell, I really shouldn’t trust anyone in the neighborhood.”

Lucifer looked at me in confusion, like he was waiting for me to turn around with a big smile on my face, and reveal that I was just screwing with him.

But I wasn’t.  He’d given me a hell of a lot to think about…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to One Hell Of A Deep Thought

  1. Ali Isaac says:

    Hope you’ve recovered. I shouldnt let him in again, if I were you…

  2. jacobemet says:

    Only the strongest steel endures the hottest flames. Nothing wrong with a little tempering. Keep your edge sharp, Austin.

  3. JED says:

    Would the devil let you blog if you were in hell knowing how much you love it? Then there is the Snapple and hellfire wings. You enjoy those. No, Hell would be much worse with no goodies and no hope.

    It’s only a matter of time before the right lady shows up. I just hope he I willing to deal with your frequent house guests when she does.

  4. donedreaming says:

    That old Devil likes you too much to keep you in purgatory. He has a soft spot for you and I think is just giving you food for thought so you can prove him wrong. Chin up Sunshine, this too shall pass and all that .. 🙂

  5. Pingback: Monday Morning Coffee Club: 7/27/15 | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  6. You know, I’m pretty sure my soul mate was trapped in a condom. The devil doesn’t steal the remote around here, though. He delegated that to my kids.

    I’m also a runner. With asthma. I still keep going, and everything hurts all the time, and I’m pretty sure it’s only going to get worse even with all the yoga I attempt to do. Growing older and more introspective, analytical, and wise sure is a hoot, ain’t it?

  7. markbialczak says:

    Unless the House on the Hill doubles as a Handbasket, I think you’re OK, Austin. You’re ticketed for the upward direction, my friend, after all suffering and keeping your chins up down here. 🙂

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