Does Slow Dancing On A Grave Lead To Necrophilia?

graveyardSeveral local morticians with apparently far too much time on their hands, recently sat down to ponder a Deep Thought that has kept many people awake at night:

Does slow dancing on a grave lead to increased instances of necrophilia?

I also had too much time on my minds, Modern Philosophers, because I tracked down this pack of Morbid Philosophers to ask them about their conclusions.

“Wait, you actually heard about that?” asked Cecil, the only member of the posse who was willing to speak on the record.  “I didn’t realize we shared our findings.  How much did we have to drink that night?”

That question led to shrugs all around from his silent partners in this little bizarro world Philosophical adventure.

After it was established that alcohol, boredom, and morbid curiosity had fueled their troubled journey down such a dark and freaky road, I told the group that one of my interns had stumbled upon some tweets about the conversation.

Every head in the room other than mine turned to glare at a pudgy man in an ill fitting suit, who sat in the corner and worked his thumbs madly over the mini keyboard on his phone.  He seemed oblivious to his surroundings and to the attention.

grave morticians“[Name redacted] is obsessed with Twitter,” Cecil explained.  “I know morticians are a little creepy, but that guy is the one who creeps out the rest of us.”

Just a little creepy, Cecil?

“Nothing from that discussion was ever supposed to make it outside of this group,” he insisted.

But it had and now this Modern Philosopher wanted to know what had been decided.

“Why do you care?” Cecil challenged.  “Are you some sort of necrophiliac?”

That elicited some nervous chuckles from the rest of the group.

With a roll of my eyes, I told Cecil and his cronies that I just thought that the headline on this post would attract readers…both living and dead.

“We argued about it for hours, checked the internet for data to back up our theories, but in the end, it really came down to a gut feeling,” Cecil told me quite seriously.  “There really haven’t been any reported cases of necrophilia in some time, which is a bit surprising given the current popularity of The Walking Dead.”

ZombiesI really wanted to further explore that odd comment about one of my favorite TV shows, but I already had a severe case of the heebie jeebies from being around this bunch, and I needed to wrap it up.

By unanimous decision, the morticians had voted that slow dancing on a grave did not make someone suddenly want to sleep with either the person in the grave, or with any other corpse.

“In the end, we realized that a person who would slow dance in a cemetery does not belong to the set of people who are interested in boning a corpse.  Now, if we were talking moshers, break dancers, or ravers, then, yeah, I think those folks would be up for getting their undead freak on once the music stopped.”

The others nodded in agreement.  Even the guy who couldn’t seem to stop tweeting.

grave danceSo let that be a lesson to you, Modern Philosophers.  Ten out of ten of the weirdest morticians ever assembled agree that slow dancing on a grave does not lead to instances of necrophilia.

You can finally sleep soundly.

You’re welcome…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Does Slow Dancing On A Grave Lead To Necrophilia?

  1. markbialczak says:

    OK, I’ll shovel the last splash of dirt on that line of thought, Austin.

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