Satan And The Daredevils

skydive 1“I see your friend Debra went skydiving yesterday,” The Devil announced when he returned to the living room after another of his mysterious disappearances.

He often excused himself and vanished out onto the front porch of The House on the Hill during his visits.

I didn’t want to know what he was up to, and he didn’t want me to ask about it, so we just acted like we went outside for some fresh air.

“Yes, she did,” I replied as I tossed him a fresh Snapple from the cooler.  “I don’t know if I’d ever be able to jump out of an airplane.”

Lucifer chuckled as he opened his Snapple, making sure not to spill any of it onto his impeccably tailored suit, which probably cost more than I made in a month.

“I know for certain you’d never do it,” he said with confidence and a Devilish grin as he sat down on the other end of the couch.  “You might right a story about a character based on you doing it, but the real life Modern Philosopher would never make the leap.”

I didn’t argue with him because he was right.  So I picked a fight on another matter to at least feel like I was standing up for myself.

“Were you going through my Facebook news feed again?” I asked accusingly because I already knew the answer.

Devil “Of course I did,” The Prince of Darkness replied with a laugh.  “How else am I supposed to keep up on your life when I spend most of my time away from you?”

He had a point, but I didn’t like the fact that Satan had the ability to log in as anyone on Facebook.

I knew this unfettered access was all part of whatever deal The Devil had made with Mark Zuckerberg to turn Facebook into the online behemoth it had become, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.

“You promise you’re not doing anything weird when you’re logged onto Facebook as me?” I demanded to know from my annoying house guest.

“Scout’s honor,” Lucifer replied as he sipped his Snapple and held up his right hand in the Boy Scout salute.

I wasn’t sure if I believed him, but what could I really do about it?

“Did you know that I own several skydiving schools?” The Prince of Darkness revealed, most likely to change the subject and cover up whatever he was trying to hide from me about his activities on Facebook.

“I had no idea,” I said with great interest, just as I did every time he revealed a little personal nugget that caught me completely off guard.

skydive 3“Don’t worry,” he assured me, “I am in no way affiliated with the one Debra used.  Maine never seemed like a good place to invest in that business.”

“I know I’m going to regret asking this, but why would you own skydiving schools?”

Satan’s face lit up like he had been wishing I’d let my curiosity get the best of me.

“It’s the perfect way to recruit for souls,” he explained as he placed his bottle of Snapple on the table and turned to me.  “Think about it.  All these people jumping out of planes for the very first time.  Scared to death.  Totally dependent on the instructor to pull the cord to release the parachute and get them to the ground alive.”

I nodded and slowly sipped my Snapple.  He had my rapt attention.

“If the instructor doing the tandem jump is one of my Demons, he can delay yanking that ripcord, and use the one on one time to see how desperate the jumper gets,” The Devil continued.  “Soon enough, that novice daredevil is going to pee her jumpsuit and then offer up her eternal soul just to make it out alive.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disgust.  “That’s low.  Even for you.”

daredevilLucifer shot me a sly, Devilish grin and his eyes sparkled.  “They fancy themselves to be daredevils, and yet they wail for their Mommies, beg for their lives, and don’t act anything at all like Ben Affleck in a red spandex suit.  They are a far cry from being The Man Without Fear!”

I was impressed with his knowledge of Daredevil, and figured it had something to do with the shared name.

“Still, that’s a horrible way to get a soul,” I lectured.  “That’s akin to stealing candy from a baby, or shooting fish in a barrel.  Where’s the challenge in that?”

Satan sighed because he knew I was right.  “I’ve sold off many of my skydiving schools for that very reason.  I kept some, though, because I often get the urge to make a dive myself.  How much do you think the wannabe daredevils would freak out if they knew they were skydiving with The Devil?”

“You are a twisted individual,” I told him not for the first time.  “Before you thank me, that was not meant as a compliment.”

DCIM102GOPRO“So noted,” The Devil answered with a grin.  “Your friend Debra is awfully attractive.”

“I know,” I replied and then took a long sip of my Snapple.

“She’s also single,” he pressed.

“I’m well aware,” I snapped in a semi-growl.

We sat in silence for a moment.

“I’m just saying that if she’s daring enough to jump out of a plane, she very well might be crazy enough to go on a date with you,” Lucifer explained because he can never let go.

“Go to Hell,” I answered and shot him an icy glare.

I meant that quite literally, and The Devil was well aware of that fact, but he just ignored my request and turned his attention the newspaper.

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Satan And The Daredevils

  1. Megan says:

    This is the most cleverly entertaining thing I’ve read. 🙂

  2. ksbeth says:

    well done, austin!

  3. barbtaub says:

    I remember my first jump and I can honestly say that it’s one place where the Devil doesn’t stand a chance. I was out on the wing, hanging on for dear life and wondering what in God’s name had made me think skydiving was a good idea, when I felt the instructor’s (hand? foot?) giving me a shove. I promise that the next few seconds were *deeply* religious ones. Prayers. Promises that ALL my future children would be nuns and/or priests (despite the fact that we’re Jewish). So no…I really don’t think the Devil could possibly have gotten a word in edgewise.

  4. markbialczak says:

    I’m glad you found a friend ready to take the leap, Austin.

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