Friday Night Think Tank: That’s Debatable

Doc BrownHappy Friday, Modern Philosophers!

I somehow managed to survive what felt like the longest work week of my life, and as I sit exhausted out on the porch of The House on the Hill, I find myself in a very silly mood.

I’m going to tell you about an achievement of which I’m very proud…

When I was grocery shopping tonight, I bought an ice cream scooper.

I’ve been divorced a decade now, and there hasn’t been an ice cream scooper in this house since J packed up the last one.  Of course, plenty of ice cream has been eaten in The House on the Hill over the past ten years, but none of it was properly scooped into a bowl.

Well that madness ends tonight!

I told you I was in a weird mood.  Grab your Deep Thinking Toga, and meet me in The Think Tank.  If you’re lucky, there might be some perfectly scooped ice cream waiting.

This week’s topic: The Republican Presidential Candidates held their first debate last night.  If you were running for President, what would be your top campaign promise?

Since I am in a strange mood, Modern Philosophers, you are going to get an answer as ridiculous as 37 candidates seeking out the Republican nod.

Okay, maybe there aren’t that many, but it sure seems like it.

We're gonna need a bigger camera!

We’re gonna need a bigger camera!

If I were running, and there were that many other candidates, I’d want to make a campaign promise that would set me apart from the pack.  Look at Donald Trump.  He’s a total buffoon, but his out of control comments are getting him all the media attention.

Second runner up on my list is a promise to paint The White House.  The name is just too racist, and it’s got to go.  The place has had the same bland look for centuries, so I’d want to add some color and make it more exciting.

Think of the jobs it would create, especially if I had it repainted every year of my Presidency.  Maybe I could hold an annual contest to choose the new color.

Or better yet, turn it into a reality TV show so popular that the entire nation tunes in to the finale to learn what the winning color is.

I’d also rechristen the building The Presidence.  How cool is that?

white houseFirst runner up is a promise to make Canada part of the United States.  They could either willingly become the fifty-first state, or I’d just send in the troops to take it by force.

The United States needs Canada for the amazing healthcare system, the huge stable of hockey talent to ensure that Team USA wins Olympic Hockey Gold every four years, and the extra space to pile our snow every winter.

If Canada became part of the United States, Maine would no longer be the northernmost state in the continental US.  Perhaps the more southern feel would make for warmer winters.  And I could finally outlaw the Canadian Football League.

voteRead my blog: “No new taxes…for anyone but the rich!”

My winning campaign promise would be to cut taxes on everyone but the 1%.  Then I’d totally jack up the taxes on those spoiled fat cats, and make life in the 51 United States (yes, I’m still taking Canada!) much more tolerable for the real Americans.

I’m sorry, but when you have billions of dollars, you can afford to put much more into the tax pot.  I’d be happy to do so if I were that rich, and if anyone doesn’t believe me, give me a billion dollars, and I’ll prove it.

Those are my campaign promises. What are yours?  Please feel free to be silly.  I’m tired and could use a good laugh!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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20 Responses to Friday Night Think Tank: That’s Debatable

  1. OMG! Why has no one called it “The Presidence” yet? That’s brilliant.

  2. grannyK says:

    Why are you not running??

  3. I considered watching it just for laughs. Decided it wasn’t worth the inevitable loss of brain cells. Watched some old episodes of All in the Family instead. (Winning!)

  4. markbialczak says:

    Now that’s a platform, Austin. Let’s here from your Canadian friends on your campaign promises. Syracuse guy says Let’s go Orange … I’d vote for you before I’d vote for The Donald, that’s for sure.

  5. Since I’m running for President:
    I would …
    I’d promise that, uh, that, um

    Free ice cream scoops for everyone and a wall across the norther border to keep out those confused French people up there!

    • A vote for Chris is a vote in the right direction! Donate at

    • Austin says:

      You’d keep Canada out? I’d take them in. I think we would have a very heated debate over this issue. Would make for great ratings! 🙂

      • Sir, under my administration I would ensure our policy toward our norther aggressors would be changed dramatically. What most Americans are uninformed about is that the Canadians are behind the influx on the Mexican border, and are funding Middle East terror. These are diversionary activities to keep us focused in other directions. They have been posturing against America for decades, masked behind senseless games on ice and maple leaves. Sir, the norther states such your state of Maine and your New England neighbors will be the first to be massacred. You are in grave danger! My colleagues in the Republican Party are not talking about this. I am the only candidate running on a platform of Guns to the North. What most Americans also don’t know is that Canada has warehouses literally overflowing with ice cream scoops! They have been buying up supplies around he world since the 1970s! Under a Chris Administration American would share in this bounty! A vote for any other candidate is danger for America! A vote for Chris, and every man, woman and child in America would have their own ice cream scoop without harming social security or Medicaid!

      • In addition – my cabinet would be made up ENTIRELY of Modern Philosophers and the White House would be moved to a location on a hill and renamed accordingly!

      • Austin says:

        Excellent to hear!

  6. Ysobel says:

    Great question ! If I was a candidate to replace POTUS I’d promise you free education for all and that I’ll do everything in my power to protect coffee and chocolate trees and that you, dear Austin, will be part of the White House that shall be repainted in blue because why not.

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