Dainty Footed Sasquatch Finds Acceptance In Maine

wookieEven a Modern Philosopher with enormous Monkey Boy feet can be touched by the tale of Tobias, the newest member of Maine’s Otherworldly Being community.

While technically a Sasquatch, Tobias shudders at the use of the word because of what he considers to be his “affliction”.

“I have ridiculously tiny feet, Austin, and a result, I was ostracized by the rest of my kind,” he said sadly as he slumped in his chair on the front porch of The House on the Hill.  “It’s difficult to be considered a Bigfoot when you can shop for shoes in the Children’s Department.”

While towering over me at almost eight feet tall, my guest had feet one third the size of mine.  I felt compelled to apologize for my size 15 feet and hide them under my chair while I conducted the interview.

“Please don’t apologize,” Tobias requested.  “You have the feet of a preteen Sasquatch, and you should show them off proudly.  Hopefully, they aren’t as hairy.”

He let out a mighty roar of a laugh that shook the entire porch, and for the first time all day, I saw him smile.

foot“The Sasquatch is not the most open minded creature,” he explained.  “The others saw my tiny feet as a sign that I was defective and that my presence would infect them and shrink their feet while they slept.”

As a result, Tobias was cast out of the forest that had served as a home to his family for generations.  He wandered around the Pacific Northwest for a little while, hoping to find a more accepting group of Sasquatch, but that simply wasn’t in the stars.

“I was actually accused, on more than one occasion, of being a human in a Bigfoot costume.  Can you believe that?” he asked with disdain in his voice.  “All because of my damn feet, which I should point out I was cursed with via genetics.  So blame my Mom and Pop for those tiny things.  It’s not my fault!”

Luckily, like most Otherworldly Beings, Tobias enjoyed Snapple.  After chugging three bottles of it, he finally settled down enough to continue the interview.

forrest“Clearly, the West Coast wasn’t going to work for me, so I started heading East, with no clear destination in mind.  I just wanted to clear my head, maybe get all Forrest Gump about it, and see the country.”

Tobias’ trek East corresponds with the spike in Bigfoot and Forrest Gump sightings reported across the United Stated at that time.

“I mostly kept to the wooded areas, but every once in a while, I’d have to be out in the open,” he explained.  “I did my best to avoid people.  Not because I was scared of them, mind you, but because I didn’t want to have to answer questions about my dainty feet.”

Somewhere along his journey, Tobias heard about how accepting Mainers were of Otherworldly Beings.

“There are plenty of OBs out there, you know,” he informed me as he reached for yet another Snapple.  “They just do a very good job of flying under the radar.  In Iowa, I spent a weekend camping with a group of Aliens who were just tooling around the country, getting a kick out of being the subject of panic inducing UFO sightings.”

All HallowsMaine’s Sasquatch population is so miniscule that the All Hallows Society doesn’t release the numbers when it publishes a census of the Otherworldly Being population.

They also use a photo of Wookies on their website because there aren’t enough Sasquatch in Maine to pose for a photo.

According to the Society’s website, Maine isn’t very appealing to the Sasquatch because of the cold and all the snow.

“I’ve been warned about Winter in Maine, but as one of the rare open minded beings of my kind, I look forward to experiencing it and seeing what the fuss is all about.”

Tobias says he loves Maine so far.

maine woods“The people are so accepting.  No one cares that I’m different, and that’s all that matters to me.  I’ve picked out a lovely patch of forest where I plan to live.  The moose in the area are friendly, and the Zombies out that way know enough to leave an eight foot tall growling ball of fur alone.”

Is there anything he doesn’t like about his new home?

“I could do without that LePage character,” Tobias answered without pause.  “He behaves like a shaved Sasquatch, and I bet he’d mock my feet.”

Welcome to Maine, Tobias.  You’re going to fit in perfectly here!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Dainty Footed Sasquatch Finds Acceptance In Maine

  1. floridaborne says:

    On the highway that goes from my home to the dental clinic an hour away, someone put a 6 foot tall wood cutout silhouette of Bigfoot about 5 feet into the woods. The first time I saw it, I laughed so hard!

    Don’t sweat the big feet, Austin. I’m 5’4 1/2 ” , slender, and have torpedo feet (size 9 narrow). There are a lot of us out there who think of our feet as the arch enemy. 🙂

  2. Mindy says:

    Hahaha I loved this post! I look forward to reading more about Tobias and his adventures in Maine.

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