You Don’t Want To Get Dumped In Hell

heat waveI wiped the sweat from my brow with a gym towel as I entered the living room of The House on the Hill.

The Devil, who wore a three piece suit and somehow managed to look like he was on his way to a modeling gig despite the incredible heat, put down the newspaper and smiled.

“Weather report says it’s going to be a scorcher today,” he informed me as a Devilish grin replaced the innocent smile.

“They got it right for once,” I replied with some frustration in my voice as I wiped away more sweat and then tossed the towel out into the foyer.

I had only gone out to the garage to add coolant under the hood of Zombie Car, but it had been more than enough to get my sweat glands going.

“Say it for me,” Lucifer requested.

“I’m not going to say it,” I snapped and then rolled my eyes.

“Just once,” he pleaded.  “I’ll give you an ice cold Snapple.”

SONY DSCHe reached into the cooler and pulled out a Snapple.  My Pavlovian reflex was to dive across the room to snatch the bottle right out of his well manicured hand, but that would’ve made me sweat even more.

So I relented.  “It’s hot as Hell out there!”

The Prince of Darkness actually giggled in delight and then tossed me my reward.

I snatched it out of the air, and had downed three-quarters of the bottle by the time I had taken a seat on the couch.

“Not to burst your bubble, but it’s nowhere near as hot as it gets in Hell,” Satan said like the know it all he can often be.  “Personally, I’m a little chilly.”

I just gave him a look and chugged what was left of my Snapple.  It was too hot to argue.

“I was reading your blog and saw that you went to the dump yesterday,” The Devil informed me as he adjusted his cuff links.  “That was a very popular post.  What’s the fascination with garbage dumps?”

I shrugged because I was just as baffled as he.  I’d also written a very interesting post on screenwriting, but readers were drawn to the dump one.

dump“It was probably the headline,” I guessed with a smirk.  “I might have written it to be a play on words about bowel movements.”

“You have a Film degree, right?” Lucifer asked curtly as he turned his attention back to the newspaper.

“Is that your roundabout way of saying you disapprove of my use of toilet humor?” I questioned with attitude because he knew damn well I had a Film degree.

“Boys will be boys, I suppose,” was his reply.  “We actually have an enormous dump in Hell.  In fact, it’s so large that I’ve set aside an entire ring for it.”

The Prince of Darkness had loved Dante’s “Inferno” so much that he had redesigned his kingdom to be as close as possible to Dante’s vision.  Something about that was cool to me.

“Ewww!” I groaned as I just imagined the stench that must produce.  “How do you keep the stink of that off your precious suits?”

It was Satan’s turn to give me a dirty look.

Devil“I don’t go anywhere near that Hellhole,” he declared and then snapped the page of his paper loudly as he turned it.  “I’m the big cheese don’t there, so I don’t need to get my hands dirty in all that rubbish.  That’s why I have Demons.”

“That must be a fun assignment,” I quipped with so much sarcasm dripping from the comment that it stained the living room floor.

“Oh, it is one of the worst jobs in Hell,” The Devil stated as he put down the paper and made eye contact for this one.  “When you get Dump Duty, you know you are on my $%^& list.”

“Yikes!” I observed as I reached for another Snapple.

“Yikes is right, my friend,” Lucifer agreed as he raised an eyebrow.  “Getting dumped takes on a whole new meaning when you work for me.”

I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t have the energy.  I just drank my Snapple instead.


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to You Don’t Want To Get Dumped In Hell

  1. The Cutter says:

    I knew Snapple was the work of the devil! They all laughed at me when I said so!

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