Heat Miser Is A @#$%^&

heat miserI make absolutely no secret of the fact, Modern Philosophers, that Snow Miser is my mortal enemy.

We have been at war with each other for years (a very one-sided battle I might add!) ever since I stole (that seems like such a harsh term, doesn’t it?) his girlfriend (more like someone he’d gone out with a couple of times!) back in college.

As a result of this longstanding feud, the Ice Imp takes great joy in making me suffer through the most horrible Winters.  I hate him.  He hates me.  Nothing is ever going to change on that front.

I’ve never had much of a problem with Snow Miser’s hothead brother, though.

Until now.

WTF, Heat Miser?

Why does it have to be so #$%^&!@ hot?  Are you trying to roast us, or are you just trying to see at what temperature the human body explodes?

heat waveIt is sweltering in Maine, Modern Philosophers, and I don’t like it. The mercury climbed to almost 90 today, and it is expected to do the same tomorrow.

When the outside temperature gets this close to my body temperature, all is not right with the world.

I didn’t sleep well last night because of the heat, and I was actually excited to go to work today just to sit in air conditioning for eight hours.

That is extremely disturbing.

On so many levels!

Coworkers would return from lunch and report that it was hotter than my frequent house guest’s kingdom in the afterlife.

I saw cacti popping up in the parking lot.

A Yugo actually melted and is now a permanent part of the blacktop.

This is the current view from the dining room window of The House on the Hill…

desert 2Sure, the bamboo is finally gone, but what happened to my yard?  How the heck am I going to move that giant boulder off my property?

Heat Miser has made my list.

And it’s not my Christmas list.

Or the list of people I’d allow to hide out in my basement bunker when the Zombie Apocalypse begins.

Heat Miser is on my “Beings I Hate Almost As Much As Snow Miser” list.

As well as my “Beings Who Make Me Curse Simply By Thinking About Them” list.

Thankfully, I was a Boy Scout, so I have some survival skills.

SONY DSCI stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some emergency provisions to get me through this crisis.

Snapple and ice cream.

Hey, they didn’t just give me that Wilderness Survival merit badge.

I had to earn that bad boy.

Of course, I’ll probably sleep on the couch tonight since it’s much cooler downstairs at The House on the Hill.  Which got me to form this Deep Thought: If heat rises, how come Heaven is above us and Hell is below us?

Definitely something to ponder on later when I’m washing down a big bowl of ice cream with an ice cold Snapple.

Heat Miser, you miserable #$%^, you are on notice.

Just back off now, and I promise, things can go back to normal between us.  I really don’t want to go to war with a second member of your family.

Besides, do you want to stay in your brother’s shadow?  He’s already pegged me as his nemesis.  Shouldn’t you be your own man and find someone else to battle?

heatwave 2I’m going to cool off now.

I apologize for venting in my blog post, but this heat has really gotten to me.

That Heat Miser…he’s just too much!

Stay cool, Modern Philosophers, and feel free to send chilly thoughts my way!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Heat Miser Is A @#$%^&

  1. List of X says:

    I think Heat Miser is just trying to make you miss his brother.

  2. jan says:

    I do not get along with the heat either. Luckily we have the fog out here which serves as air-conditioner.

  3. If there was such a thing as “Fall Miser” he would be my best friend.

  4. avsweb says:

    It was 105 today… I wish it were 90. Actually, I wish it were 65. Sending cool weather you way…

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