Guys’ Night Out At The North Pole

north-poleWhen I heard “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” playing from somewhere inside The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers, I was certain that the heat had finally gotten to me and melted my brain.

I’ve know this day was coming…

Then I remembered it was the customized Skype ringtone for my good friend from the North Pole.

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Santa Claus bellowed merrily as his jolly face filled my laptop’s screen.  “How are your jingle bells hanging in this sweltering heat?”

“This is a wonderful surprise, Santa,” I replied and fought the urge to comment on my sweaty jingle bells.  “I hope you’re enjoying your vacation.”

Santa laughed, and even though I couldn’t see it on my computer, I’m sure his belly shook like a bowl full of jelly.

“I see you when you’re sweating, And when you pass out in the street, You’d better run for cover, Before you explode from the heat!” Santa sang in a voice that was so off key I feared that my windows were going to shatter.

Santa“Did you write that one yourself?” I asked cheerfully because I wanted to make sure I stayed on his Nice list.

“Fred gets the songwriting credit,” he responded with a burp and a giggle.  “Excuse me, Austin, but I’ve been having some of the special egg nog.”

I had a feeling that his trouble making younger brother and an adult beverage might have been behind this very laid back Skype call from Santa’s Village.  Fred did have a knack for getting his big brother to loosen up and exhibit some “coal in the stocking” kinds of behavior.

“My Twitter feed has been blowing up with people whining about how hot it is down south,” Santa Claus explained and feigned wiping tears from his eyes.

Of course, to someone who lives at the North Pole, everyplace else on the planet was “down south”.

“The Elves are laughing so hard at all the complaining that they’re peeing themselves,” Santa and his egg nog continued.  “You know what happens when you pee yourself at The North Pole?  Your pants fill up with yellow icicles!”

“How’s Mrs. Claus?” I asked in hopes of getting him off this vulgar topic.

Santa Reindeer“She’s on a Caribbean cruise with some of the gals,” he answered as he held up his empty egg nog mug.  “Every night is guys’ night out up here.  Fred’s our Morale Officer and we have been having a blast!”

An Elf appeared and handed him a new mug.  St. Nick let out an excited “Ho! Ho! Ho!” and then chugged the contents.

“Best egg nog ever!” he declared as he wiped some of the beverage from his beard.  “Get your sweaty Summer butt up here, Austin, and join the fun.  I’m sending the Reindeer down to fetch you right now.”

“But I have to work tomorrow, Santa!” I grumbled.

“Don’t you worry about that,” Kris Kringle reassured me.  “I’ll have a chat with your boss and explain that you are on official Christmas business.  If she doesn’t like it, then December 25 is going to be a very unhappy day for her and her entire family.”

Santa laughed and waved his empty mug around to signal that he needed another refill.

It was a very tempting offer.  Any trip to the North Pole was magical, but it would be even more awesome since this heat wave had left me feeling like the Grinch.

snowmanI need a little Christmas.  Right this very minute!

“Send the sled, big guy,” I yelled with the excitement of a kid waking up on Christmas morning.  “Make sure you save some of that egg nog for me!”

How could I say no to Santa Claus?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Guys’ Night Out At The North Pole

  1. Tricia says:

    Oh my gosh, this made me laugh!

  2. ksbeth says:

    have a great night out and don’t forget to pack your long underwear!

  3. nolanwrites says:

    “Hello, Buddy the Elf. What’s your favourite colour?” Your post has made me want to watch Elf 4 months early!!

  4. This post reminds me of being at Santa’s Village with my family in the summertime and freaking out because they had the reindeer in an enclosed pen. I kept yelling to anyone who would listen – “There’s no roof on this! They’re going to fly away!” I couldn’t figure out what people found so funny about that!

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