What I Learned From The Heat Wave

heat waveThe recent heat wave that turned Maine into a sweltering, sweaty desert seems to have finally passed, Modern Philosophers.

Those of us who survived the near death experience really should form some Deep Thoughts on why we were chosen to continue living.

I’ve done some serious self-reflection, and have come up with a list of things I learned from this brush with the Apocalypse.

Hopefully, this will help you should you find yourself in the middle of a heat wave at some future horrible time in your life…

running hellI am a bit of a bad ass.  While this might come as a surprise to you, I don’t think of myself as a bad ass.  However, despite the incredible heat and suffocating humidity, I still got in my five days of running.

The heat wave was the perfect excuse for me to take a week off, but I made it through week seven of my running program alive.

Sure, I got a little delirious on Sunday’s run (My Journey To The Dark Side), but I eventually ditched the Tusken Raiders and all is well again.

I prefer to run when it’s cooler.  Summer runnin’ had me a blast… That might have been true last Summer, but after this week, I am positive I prefer to run in cooler temps.  I cannot wait for Fall when I can put on my heavier Running Toga and don’t have to worry about drowning in a flash flood of my own sweat.

heatwave 2A camel’s got nothing on me.  I learned that I can really put away the water!

I’ve never consumed so much H2O over the course of seven days in my life.  My sources in Augusta told me that Governor LePage almost had to enforce drought restrictions for the entire state because I had personally nearly drained one of the reservoirs.

I’m pretty sure I also set a personal record for trips to the toilet, but until that can be confirmed, I’m not going to list that as a fact on this blog.

I know how to adapt.  Perhaps it was all those years of Boy Scout training to Always Be Prepared, but I was ready to handle the heat.  Aside from drinking a Great Lake’s worth of water, I also slept on the couch in the living room to take advantage of the cooler temps on the first floor of The House on the Hill.  I added engine coolant to Zombie Car to keep the engine from overheating, and I put ice cubes in the kitties’ water to keep it cool for them.

desertI’m as stubborn as a mule.  Once again, I refused to buy an air conditioner.

I say the same things every Summer: It costs way too much to heat The House on the Hill for me to also pay to cool it.

I know buying an air conditioner would make sense, but I simply refuse.

The couch isn’t as comfy as my bed.  Sleeping on the couch was fun the first night, but after three nights, I was done.  I woke up every morning with a sore back, and I had the weirdest dreams, which I’m sure were caused by the couch.

I could have dragged down the mattress from the spare bedroom and slept on the living room floor, but that just seemed like a lot of extra, sweaty work.  Besides, see the above entry about my stubborn streak!

Austin JunoMaine is not just an icebox.  Ah, my favorite photo from the Winter That Would Not End!  That’s me out shoveling snow the day Juno hit.

While that image is forever burned into my brain as an example of typical Maine weather, this past week proved that Maine can be an oven as well.

I don’t think one week of hot and humid weather is going to change Maine’s reputation as the state where it never stops snowing, but maybe it means global warming has finally arrived.  That could mean a warmer Winter, right???

Work has a positive side.  As much as I hate to be chained to a desk, I did actually look forward to going to work to sit in the air conditioning all week.

Some coworkers actually had the gall to complain that it was too cold in the Break Room, but I thought it was just right.  Goosebumps in August are literally cool.

heat miserHeat Miser is as much of a problem as his brother.  We get it, Heat Miser, you are as annoying as your brother the Ice Imp.

While Snow Miser will always remain Public Enemy #1 to me, the fiery redhead is definitely moving up the list.

That family is too much!

I have the sweat glands of a 25 year old.  While the aches and pains I feel every week after five days of running remind me I’m not as young as I once was, there is some hope that youth springs eternal.

Over the past week, I produced enough sweat to make a 25 year old envious!  I couldn’t get my sweat glands to turn off some days.  They wanted to be all Energizer Bunny about it.

Remember, you’re only as old as your sweat glands!

heat wave roadI would never survive in Hell.  I’m sure this will break the heart of my frequent Sunday house guest, but there’s no way in Hell I’d ever make it in Hell.

Extreme temperatures are just not my thing and I don’t want to spend eternity sleeping on the couch in Hell’s living room.  My back could not handle that.

It looks like I’ll have to remain on the straight and narrow so I can enjoy the air conditioned splendor of what’s behind the Pearly Gates.  Sorry, Satan.

The bottom line in all this, Modern Philosophers, is that whenever life gives you lemons,  find a way to turn them into a blog post that can entertain and educate others.

Stay cool!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Fitness, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to What I Learned From The Heat Wave

  1. Yes, I agree. Blog posting when its so hot you can’t breathe is a way of releasing that frustration at not being able to cool down.

  2. Your blog post did entertain…from the toilet humor to the family ‘too much’ lyric. We were feeling it here in Massachusetts too. That may be because we refuse to buy an air conditioner though!

  3. ksbeth says:

    and i so agree )

  4. Maria Behar says:

    At least you only had SEVEN days of this stuff! Down here in Miami, it’s the other way around. I have to stay in air conditioning all the time to survive. It’s been in the nineties this whole month, so I refuse to go for walks (I don’t run). When we have our ‘winter’ (there’s no such thing as fall or spring here; it’s either summer or a teensy bit of ‘winter’), I get deliriously happy. When the temp hits 50 (for us Miamians, that’s cold, lol), I gleefully take my coat, scarf, knitted hat, and gloves out of the back of the closet, and just as gleefully throw them on!

    And BTW, if you want to see me in a bad mood, just tell me the temp will be in the 80s on Christmas Day!!!!! AAAARRRRRGHHHH!!!! (Yes, I feel just like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away just as he’s about to kick it!!)

    Great and funny post, as usual! How about dropping by and commenting on one of my blogs sometime?



  5. We’be only got heat and more heat here. With humidity, it’s terrible! We’d die without a.c.

    Minus the heat, I heard hell would be more fun. 😉

  6. markbialczak says:

    You are so stubborn, Austin. One window air conditioner is quite reasonable, cost-wise. Or a split duct that goes on the wall, which is the way we went. They’re more expensive, but ours cools off our whole one-story house. And they also make versions that can heat as well as cool, as a backup to that big furnace in The House on the Hill.

  7. markbialczak says:

    I put a photo in the comment box. You can see it on the post proper, Austin.

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