Maine Werewolves To Endorse Trump’s Hair

Donald 2In what has to be considered a major coup in the 2016 Presidential Campaign, Republican Donald Trump has secured the endorsement of Maine’s Werewolf population, Modern Philosophers.

While this news has certainly come as a shock to the other candidates, it was definitely a blow to Hillary Clinton.  Once seen as the Democratic front runner, the sputtering Clinton sent her husband, former President Bill Clinton, to hang out with Maine’s largest Wolfpack, in hopes of winning an endorsement.

Clearly, the plan was to have Wild Bill run with the pack and howl at the moon, while also talking up his wife and her candidacy.

Somehow, that plan backfired.

So why would Maine’s Werewolves endorse a Republican, given that the last time Mainers elected a Republican to a position of power, they were cursed with this guy…

LePageDid Governor Paul LePage help woo Maine’s Wolfpack into The Donald’s den?

“Hell no!” Gary Lincoln, the Leader of the Pack, told this Modern Philosopher.  “Paul LePage is a buffoon, and I wouldn’t bite him if I were the last Werewolf on the planet and turning him was the only way to ensure my kind continued to exist.”

So why Trump?

“It was his pelt,” Gary told me with a smile.  “As you know, Werewolves are very proud of their fur and Trump’s hair is quite extraordinary…even if it’s only on top of his head.”

“Could you imagine how glorious he’d look covered in that hair if he were to become one of us?  He would be the unquestioned King of the Werewolves!”

Donald 4How much influence does Maine’s Werewolf population have in the scheme of things?  Maine has traditionally voted Democrat in Presidential elections, and Bernie Sanders is polling very well in the state.

Would the Werewolves’ endorsement push Trump to the front of the pack?

Mayor McCheese, who recently failed to unseat Paul LePage as Governor, had the following Deep Thoughts to share: “Getting the Werewolf vote bodes well for Trump’s chances, especially if it influences the rest of Maine’s growing Otherworldly Being population, which currently remains mostly undecided.”

HillaryThe only other Otherworldly Beings to show any partiality to a Presidential candidate are Maine’s Vampires, who really have a thing for Hillary Clinton.

When I asked my Vampire friend Ana to explain her fascination with the former Secretary of State, she smirked and replied, “You’d have to be a Vampire to get it.”

Unfortunately for Clinton, Vampires make up a very small part of Maine’s registered voters.  If she had been able to secure the Werewolf vote as well, however, Maine might have fallen into her evil clutches.

donald 5How did Donald Trump respond to this important endorsement?  According to my sources in Governor LePage’s office, the belligerent billionaire was so thrilled with the news that he had his people call Augusta and offer to buy Maine.

When LePage wouldn’t sell, Trump then threatened to give Maine as a peace offering to Canada after he was elected.

Trump’s campaign has yet to respond to my requests for a comment.  However, a person claiming to be a Modern Philosopher and Trump campaign intern swears that she saw the candidate head up to the roof of Trump Tower.

Shortly thereafter, she heard an excited, yet frightening howling that seemed to go on for a good five minutes.

And made the hair stand up on her arms…

werewolfI’m not sure how much faith I put in that young lady’s report, Modern Philosophers, but it does make for a most excellent conclusion to this post.

What do you think of the Werewolves’ decision to endorse Donald Trump?  Does it make you any more or less likely to vote for him?  Do you agree that Trump would make a handsome Werewolf with his famous pelt?


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Maine Werewolves To Endorse Trump’s Hair

  1. Éilis Niamh says:

    It makes me less likely to like Werewolves, Austin! Some other candidate needs to trump Trump, because, well, you know all the crises we’re in, and republican candidates don’t want to deal with most of them, including global warming and climate change. Especially that one, in fact.

    You should be aware that the water sprites in California, rapidly becoming refugees as they are pushed out of the state from the drought, are deadset against Trump, pun intended unfortunately, and will be doing all they can to thwart his success. They have elicited the sympathy of the dragons, as well, I wouldn’t want to be Trump now. I agree with the werewolves about his hair though… 🙂

  2. Mindy says:

    “It was his pelt” hahaha I can’t stop laughing about that line!

  3. Tim Gatewood says:

    LOL! Ha ha ha ha! Funny stuff! You should write for The Onion.

  4. Ali Isaac says:

    Lmao Austin! Hilarious! And on the same day as I posted about Irish werewolves… coincidence and great minds…

    Loved the post! Hate that hair ‘style’!

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