Not that I would know because I’m edgy and dangerous and rarely play by the rules.
I’ve got Socrates and Plato turning over in their graves.
The Vegetable Industry understands this mindset, though, and that’s why they’re looking to put a darker, more dangerous spin on the way consumers look at their product.
You heard me right, Modern Philosophers.
Welcome to the era of Veggies with attitude.
“We understand that most people, especially the younger generation, don’t like to eat their vegetables,” Andrea Legume, President of Vegetables Are Positively Incredibly Delicious (VAPID), told this Modern Philosopher. “Our research tells us it’s mostly psychological.”
So taste, or the lack thereof has nothing to do with it, Andrea?
“It’s all about image,” she explained as she nibbled ferociously on a carrot. “Everyone knows that vegetables are good for you, and no one wants wants something that’s good for them. They want the bad boy, the guy with the slicked back hair, the pack of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve of his tight white tee shirt, the leather jacket, and that walk…”
Legume’s cheeks grew flush, and I worried that I was going to have to excuse myself to allow her and her carrot a private moment.
“That’s why we are re-branding vegetables,” she told me with a sigh. “Veggies are now the bad boys, the food you don’t take home to meet your parents, the snack you sneak under the bleachers while you’re cutting class.”
Okay, Andrea. Let me go grab the hose and cool you off a little…
“Straight Outta Compost! That’s going to be our new slogan for veggies,” Randolph Stockington, III, Head of Marketing for VAPID, explained after he offered me some cauliflower, which I politely declined.
“Just picture several vegetables in baseball caps, sunglasses, and gold chains strutting down the street while the Straight Outta Compost beat drops in the background. Are you seeing what I see?” he asked excitedly.
All I could see was an extremely pale, almost albino man in a very expensive suit snapping his fingers to an imaginary beat while he gnawed on a piece of cauliflower that was the only thing in the room whiter than he was.
“And it’s not going to be called the Vegetable Aisle or the Vegetable Department any more,” White Man Can’t Jump continued. “From now on, it’s the Veggie Hood or the Veghetto. I came up with both of those myself!”
I had absolutely no doubt that he did.
“Veggies are raw! Veggies are fresh! Vegetables are underground!” Legume bellowed when she returned to the room. “Consumers aren’t going to know what hit them. Sales are going to blow through the roof. They’re never going to look at a vegetable the same way again. Raw, baby!”
I don’t know much about marketing, Modern Philosophers, but aside from sounding ill conceived and a tad racist, this new campaign wasn’t selling me on vegetables. In fact, if I had kids, I’d probably forbid them to eat vegetables.
And that’s when Legume and Stockington smiled brightly.
Aside from covering it in chocolate or creating an app for it?
“You tell them they can’t have it,” Legume jumped in. “You forbid them from going anywhere near it. After we make vegetables look all bad ass and dangerous, parents are going to be banning veggies faster than Justin Bieber can make a horrible decision!”
They shook their heads knowingly, and I eventually had to concede that they might be on to something.
I still think it’s a horrible marketing strategy, but if it gets more people to eat their vegetables, how can I truly be against it?