While the former catered to married people (let’s face it…married men) who wanted to cheat on their spouses, the latter caters to folks who want to cheat on their diets with ice cream.
“There are plenty of people out there who have a problem remaining faithful to their diets, especially when it comes to ice cream” Dolly Madison founder James Polk told this Modern Philosopher at his company’s secret offices. “Our website offers them a safe, discreet way to cheat without feeling like they are going to be outed.”
But how safe can people feel in the wake of what happened to the company’s sister site?
“Let’s just say that Dolly has learned from Ashley’s mistakes,” Polk replied with a wink and then passed me an enormous ice cream sundae.
Look, I even took a picture of myself about to commit diet adultery. I just couldn’t resist the siren call of Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream.
I had a difficult day at work, I haven’t slept well the last two nights because it has been unbelievably warm, and my body was sore from this morning’s run.
As I was popping some Ibuprofen to deal with a nasty headache, I got this urge to go home and be naughty. I have been doing very well with my diet and religiously running five days a week, but sometimes, a guy just has to sew his frozen oats, so to speak….
According to Polk, Dolly Madison’s membership is at an all-time high. Those members, who are almost equally divided between the sexes, will be relieved to know that new firewalls and security precautions were recently added to the site.
“No one who worked on Ashley Madison was involved with our site, but after what happened there, we wanted to beef up security to put our members at ease,” Polk explained as he worked on a sundae of his own. “We realize that the Madison name is tarnished at this point, but your Dolly will always be safe.”
Polk came up with the idea for the site while he was a college senior, fighting a losing battle between his waistline and his love of ice cream.
“It got so bad that I actually told my friends I’d pay them $10 anytime they caught me eating ice cream,” he shared with a smile. “I was losing money hand over fist, and I realized I needed to come up with a way to make more money and to eat ice cream without getting caught.”
And that, Modern Philosophers, was how a website was born.
“There’s the delivery service,” Polk showed me as he took me through the site. “You just enter your zip code, the flavor you want, and a Dolly Deliverer will bring you your ice cream at the secret location of your choosing.”
Kind of like Uber for ice cream.
“Then there’s the Meet Me In St. Louis. That’s where we set up a safe zone, which is usually an apartment or office space where a member can spend some alone time with the ice cream fixings of his or her choice,” he continued gleefully. “This way, the member doesn’t need to sneak off into the shadows like a criminal, or devour the ice cream so quickly that it causes brain freeze and can’t truly be savored.”
My favorite option, however, was the next one…
“We call them Speak Icys,” Polk announced proudly. “They look like a bar or some other legitimate business from the outside. However, somewhere inside there’s a secret passage that leads to an old fashioned ice cream parlor!”
This option is only available in select cities at this point, but Polk has dreams of putting Speak Icys in every state in the Union.
“Cheaters should be able to prosper,” Polk declared as he pounded his fist on the table defiantly. “Why should they have to hide in shame just because they lack the willpower to avoid temptation? They should be able to gather and enjoy their ice cream, celebrate their dietary infidelity, and feel as normal as anybody else!”
I happen to agree with Mr. Polk, Modern Philosophers. I’m going to covet thy freezer’s ice cream tonight, but tomorrow I will be up bright and early for my run. Then I’ll be back to healthy eating for the rest of the day.
I don’t want to feel like a sinner, though, just because I gave in to temptation.
If there were a Speak Icy in Bangor, I would be there right now, with my fellow cheaters, indulging my deepest chocolate peanut butter desires!
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Do you think this Dolly Madison website is a good thing? Or do you think it should be hacked, too, and all the cheaters revealed?