Surrender Your Bodily Fluids Immediately!

apple juiceI always expect Mondays to be challenging, Modern Philosophers, but this one caught me off guard mere moments after I walked through the front door at work this morning.

No sooner had I put my lunch in the fridge and stepped into the break room on my way to my desk, when I was stopped and asked for my urine.

How many of you can say the same thing happened to you?  I bet this is one weird Monday morning work tale that no one else will be telling to his friends tonight.

Normally, I’m a sucker for a woman in scrubs, but when one demands my bodily fluids before I’ve even taken off my coat, I’m no longer a huge fan.

I mean, when a nurse makes such a request, she should at least warm you up with a little polite small talk first, right?

angry nurseTo be fair, the person asking me to fill a cup with human apple juice was a friend and coworker.  And I did have an 8:40 appointment with her for my Wellness labs.

You see, we get a serious discount on our health insurance if we meet certain benchmarks as part of the Wellness Program.  I’ve already hit my goals on my blood work, and now I just had to fill a cup to prove I don’t smoke.

Why sniffing my clothes and finding them devoid of the gross stench of cigarette smoke wasn’t enough proof that I was a non-smoker was beyond me.

Regardless, I was happy to “give at the office” so to speak.

I just wasn’t ready.

I still had twenty minutes before my appointment, and I planned to spend nineteen of those minutes chugging water.

My bladder simply was not ready to perform!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThis being Maine, I was handed a cup and banished to the outhouse to provide my liquid proof of smoke free living.

It was unexpectedly cold this morning…41 degrees when I woke up…and the office outhouse does not have any heat.

I think that heading outside in the Arctic conditions until my cup runneth over might have led to my Monday getting even worse, Modern Philosophers.

Believe it or not, there is something worse than getting shaken down for your pee before you’ve even reached the time clock.

so sickAll day long, I’ve been slowly losing my voice.  At first, I thought I just needed to clear my throat or had a tickle.

However, after several hours of this, I realized it was something more.  I tried chugging water to soothe my throat, but that only led to more urine samples that no one wished to collect (what a waste!).

Now my throat is sore and I have a bit of a headache.  I’m not impressed.

I can’t help but think that if someone had just taken my word that I wasn’t a smoker, and I hadn’t been forced out into the frigid morning to use that spooky outhouse, I’d be perfectly fine right now.

Or at least capable of yelling about my outrage!

ice cream bowlEven though I am surrounded by healthcare professionals all day, I decided to figure out how to treat this issue on my own, Modern Philosophers.

I do have a BFA in Film, after all!

My solution was to stop for chocolate peanut butter ice cream on the way home.  I figured that would coat my throat and make it feel better, while also making me believe that someone cares enough about me to take care of me.

Even if that person is just me.

All I want to do it curl up on the couch with my ice cream and flip between the Yankees and the Jets games.

Just so you understand, Modern Philosophers, I know you believe me when I say I don’t smoke.  Thanks for taking me at my word.

I’d shout my thanks from the rooftops, but I really don’t have a voice right now…

swingTo be honest, there are a couple of other things going on in my life right now that have me pretty down today.  I chose to focus on the silly aspect of my day, though, to convey the overall emotion of my Monday.

Us writers sure are tricky that way…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Fitness, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Surrender Your Bodily Fluids Immediately!

  1. Josh Wrenn says:

    I also have found I have a cold today. Way on the other side of the country. Those puppies get around, don’t they? Hope your Tuesday beats your Monday!

  2. I am sorry you and Josh are not feeling your best. I am even more bothered by the idea of going outside to pee especially when you live in cold regions.

  3. I hope you feel better soon

  4. donedreaming says:

    Ah bless ya. Well thanks for cheering us up with your witty banter and I’m sorry you are having a bit of a day. I got an attack of the collywobbles myself today, funny how life suddenly decides to remind you there’s no cavalry coming over the hill … Take care of you 🙂

  5. grannyK says:

    I do hope you feel better very soon. We have had a tummy bug going around here, and 6 of the 8 boys I watch have had it. I got it and so did my son. Tis the season for such merriment. At least you got ice cream! Always room for that stuff.

  6. What a great read to end my Monday, Austin! I had a wonderful day except for the very same symptoms you seem to be experiencing. This is tough as I narrate audio books full time. I see lots of sweet tea and gargling in my future. I can well believe you got it from being out in the cold; I developed walking harmonica a few years ago after messing around in a car parking lot with my boyfriend one freezing Colorado evening. Not pleasant. I call it ‘harmonica because that’s the kind of sound my lungs were making. Hope you’re feeling better soon!

  7. You always make me laugh! I can’t say I’ve been asked for urine at the office, but it’s the worst when you have to give a sample at the doctors and your bladder isn’t willing to cooperate! Hope your voice comes back soon!

  8. D. Parker says:

    Hope you feel better soon, Austin. 🙂

  9. raphaela99 says:

    Poor darling! I hope you feel better soon!

  10. markbialczak says:

    Oh, man. I hope the tricky part is getting better too, Austin.

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