No sooner had I put my lunch in the fridge and stepped into the break room on my way to my desk, when I was stopped and asked for my urine.
How many of you can say the same thing happened to you? I bet this is one weird Monday morning work tale that no one else will be telling to his friends tonight.
Normally, I’m a sucker for a woman in scrubs, but when one demands my bodily fluids before I’ve even taken off my coat, I’m no longer a huge fan.
I mean, when a nurse makes such a request, she should at least warm you up with a little polite small talk first, right?
You see, we get a serious discount on our health insurance if we meet certain benchmarks as part of the Wellness Program. I’ve already hit my goals on my blood work, and now I just had to fill a cup to prove I don’t smoke.
Why sniffing my clothes and finding them devoid of the gross stench of cigarette smoke wasn’t enough proof that I was a non-smoker was beyond me.
Regardless, I was happy to “give at the office” so to speak.
I just wasn’t ready.
I still had twenty minutes before my appointment, and I planned to spend nineteen of those minutes chugging water.
My bladder simply was not ready to perform!
It was unexpectedly cold this morning…41 degrees when I woke up…and the office outhouse does not have any heat.
I think that heading outside in the Arctic conditions until my cup runneth over might have led to my Monday getting even worse, Modern Philosophers.
Believe it or not, there is something worse than getting shaken down for your pee before you’ve even reached the time clock.
However, after several hours of this, I realized it was something more. I tried chugging water to soothe my throat, but that only led to more urine samples that no one wished to collect (what a waste!).
Now my throat is sore and I have a bit of a headache. I’m not impressed.
I can’t help but think that if someone had just taken my word that I wasn’t a smoker, and I hadn’t been forced out into the frigid morning to use that spooky outhouse, I’d be perfectly fine right now.
Or at least capable of yelling about my outrage!
I do have a BFA in Film, after all!
My solution was to stop for chocolate peanut butter ice cream on the way home. I figured that would coat my throat and make it feel better, while also making me believe that someone cares enough about me to take care of me.
Even if that person is just me.
All I want to do it curl up on the couch with my ice cream and flip between the Yankees and the Jets games.
Just so you understand, Modern Philosophers, I know you believe me when I say I don’t smoke. Thanks for taking me at my word.
I’d shout my thanks from the rooftops, but I really don’t have a voice right now…
To be honest, there are a couple of other things going on in my life right now that have me pretty down today. I chose to focus on the silly aspect of my day, though, to convey the overall emotion of my Monday.
Us writers sure are tricky that way…