Does This Food Make Me Look Fat???

BBQ 0Never give a fistful of cash to a stressed guy, and then send him off all alone to buy food for a barbecue, Modern Philosophers.

Those are my Deep Thoughts for today, and you can do with them what you wish.

Yes, it was one of those days.  It started with a 3 mile run, included some work related stress, and ended with a shopping spree.

Of course, it’s not really over yet.  I’ve got a blog post to write, but no more Deep Thoughts left in my aching head.

Luckily, I have the uncanny ability to make things up as I go along, and I had the good sense to take some photos at the store.

Just add wit, and you have one of my blog posts!  It really is that simple!

BBQ 1Along time ago, at a House on the Hill far, far away, a Modern Philosopher crawled out of bed at the butt crack of dawn to go for a run.

Luckily, it was 10 degrees warmer this morning than it has been all week, so the run ended three miles later with lots of sweat, and that big, handsome smile.

I still wasn’t feeling great, but my Runner’s High made me feel like I could do anything, which apparently included going to work.

Bummer, dude.

BBQ 2I’m not going to get into the details of my day, mostly because this is a family friendly blog and I’d rather not fill paragraph after paragraph with curse words.

So let’s fast forward to 5:00.

I was on a mission.  Not from God, but from another higher power.

We’re having our Goodbye, Summer barbecue at work tomorrow, and someone had to go buy the meat.  Since I fancy myself to be something of the Morale Officer, and not simply because I drew the short straw, I took it upon myself to do the shopping.

The Meat Man Philosopher.  At your service.

BBQ 4The previous photo shows where my priorities were.  I secured the hot dogs and the hamburgers immediately.

And I didn’t skimp.  Not with all that Sunshine Fun cash burning a hole in my toga.  Those are Nathan’s franks and Hebrew National dogs in the cart.  I also picked up a pack of the red hot dogs a coworker requested.

The burgers looked expensive, so I grabbed a couple of boxes.

Lunch for 45 you say?  Not problem.

This photo depicts a necessary evil.  I was told to get veggie burgers.  Just in case.

Just in case of what?

I’m a little uneasy about who or what might be attending this shindig if veggie burgers need to be on the menu.

BBQ 5Now things are getting interesting, Modern Philosophers.

We always forget beverages, so I made sure that some Snapple found its way into the cart.  No one ever brings my favorite drink to these work fiestas, so I had to change that.

And who doesn’t love fruit punch?  That giant bottle was way cheaper than the boxes of sugar for sale.  Plus, it contains more sugar than the boxed sugar…

Humpty Dumpty chips are wicked awesome, Modern Philosophers!

BBQ 6I thought it might be a good idea to take my blood pressure after that stressful day at work, but then I decided to wait until I’d devoured a good portion of what’s in this cart.

And why is that baby smiling at me?  Is he judging me?  Does he know I plan to eat many red hot dogs tomorrow?

After all, Friday is my day off from running…

BBQ 7I almost forgot the condiments, so I had to rush back to that aisle to grab some mustard, ketchup, and relish.

Any other guys get anxious when it comes time to buy condiments?  Doesn’t it feel like everyone in the story stops to stare at you?  Doesn’t it seem like they’re judging you?  You make sure to buy the magnum condiments just to impress the lady shoppers, right?

As anxious as buying condiments makes me, I’m well aware that safe eating is important.

BBQ 8This photo is for my friend Alisha, who was nice enough to tell me she was baking pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, but mean enough to say I wasn’t getting any.

I’m really not sure why she won’t give me any cookies.  I mean, I thought we were buddies.

I just wanted her to see that I had to go pick up a random donut rather than enjoy a homemade dessert from a friend.

Good thing I bought those condiments!

BBQ 9It doesn’t look like that much, does it?  Luckily, I remembered the cheese.  That almost slipped my mind.

Cheeseburgers without cheese are almost as exciting as veggie burgers.

Don’t worry, Doreen, there’s plenty of change!

BBQ 10Hopefully, I remember to take all those bags to work with me tomorrow.  It’s going to be a pretty lame Goodbye, Summer barbecue without any meat.

We can’t let the vegetarians win, so I’ll do my best not to forget the meat and its associates.

Of course, I can’t guarantee I won’t eat all of it tonight.  It was a rough day, and it’s been a very long time since I turned to food for comfort.

Tonight could be that night!  Better put out my XL toga for work tomorrow.  Just in case…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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24 Responses to Does This Food Make Me Look Fat???

  1. Josh Wrenn says:

    I love veggie burgers. With cheese. None of that vegan nonsense for me The last few meat burgers I’ve had were so poorly seasoned, I actually prefer the veggie patties now. It is a good thing I don’t live in Alaska, because that bison burger I had up there was so good I could eat it every day. Happy grilling!

  2. Joseph Nebus says:

    Wit, that’s what I keep forgetting to include in dinner. Tch.

    Veggie burgers have been getting surprisingly good lately. Morningstar’s got a healthy number of flavored burgers that do nicely. Quorn is still better for plain meatless burgers, though.

  3. raphaela99 says:

    You are cheeky! I am a vegetarian and buy things with names like Not-Bacon, Not-Chicken, etc. I still like you!

  4. adamjasonp says:

    “You make sure to buy the magnum condiments just to impress the lady shoppers, right?” lol, I could never get way with a joke like that! 🙂

    Spooky that you photographed Morning Star veggie patties—I’d just mentioned them the other day. Popular enough to be sold in Burger Kings here in Maine…

  5. grannyK says:

    I hope the BBQ is fun!

  6. Mindy says:

    I’m not a vegetarian, but I do enjoy veggie burgers! Although, I wouldn’t order one at a BBQ… I hope everyone enjoys the food you got!

  7. No. But it does make me hunnnnngryyyyy. Happy FriYAY! 🙂

  8. markbialczak says:

    Your cart looked just fine before the Morning Star stop in my opinion, Austin. I know, not my job to judge others’ healthy choices, but you had me at the Nathan’s, Hebrew National and beef burgers. By the way, I think they’re veggie patties. Veggie burgers, no. A burger is made of meat. Do you agree? Hey, did you buy the lubricated ketchup and mustard or the non-lubricated? I hope you enjoyed your feast!

  9. I prefer the meat variety of burger specially for a BBQ! We always have a feast, yum.

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