Blood Moons, Eclipses, Floods…Is God Trying To Break Up With Us?

GodWhat if God was one of us?/ Just a slob like one of us?/ Just a stranger on the bus/ Trying to break up with us???

Joan Osborne might have written those first three lines, Modern Philosophers, but I had to jump in and make it much more real.

Someone has to ask the hard questions that lead to the Deep Thoughts to prepare us in case the Big Guy decides to pull the plug.

Because let’s face it, if any of you were God (sorry, Joan, but I had to correct your grammar), would you put up with our nonsense anymore?

Another school shooting today?  Seriously?

I’m amazed God’s little experiment has lasted as long as it has.

nuns again I was raised by Nuns, who taught me that everything in The Bible was to be taken at face value, that God was watching over us, and that I’d go to Hell if I disobeyed the Ten Commandments too often and didn’t go to church.

There was an Evil Stepmother who loved to say: “Children should be seen, but not heard.”

With a childhood like that, there was no way I’d ever question God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit, or anything Mark, Mark, Luke, John, and Ringo wrote in The Bible.

Of course, I’m not young and naive anymore, Modern Philosophers.

I’m just naive.

God-02If God is up there, and I hope He is because I’d love to spend eternity in Heaven, there’s no way He could possibly be happy with us.

And, yes, I am going to capitalize all the God-related pronouns just to stay on His good side in the event He’s watching and at His tipping point.  I don’t want to type the “he” that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

Speaking of proverbs, I know that’s God’s thing.  The Bible is littered with them.

Just like it’s filled with signs of The End of Days.

So, if God were going to write a Dear John letter to the human race, don’t you think He’d turn to the method that has already proven itself to be tried and true?  After all, The Bible has been on the New York Times Bestseller List for centuries…

EclipseI’m no Biblical Scholar, but I do where a toga, so that has to mean I know what I’m talking about, right?

Now isn’t the Blood Moon one of the signs of the Apocalypse?  I’m pretty sure God liked to turns things to blood to get across the point that He was pissed and the $%^& was about to get real.

What’s more real and threatening than the moon turning to blood and then slowly disappearing from the sky?

You know who else makes things disappear?  Your ex right before she breaks up with you and takes back all the stuff she left at your place.

I can see where you might not be convinced that the Blood Moon was a sign that God was angry, but you don’t need to be a Math expert to know that Blood Moon + Eclipse = Bad Moon Rising.

moon manThe Man in the Moon would not comment for this piece, hiding behind a confidentiality agreement he signed with a Vatican Lawyer.

I think he knows that God doesn’t want to go steady anymore…

flood maineAnd for all you cynics, what about the floods that washed across the great state of Maine yesterday?

For all I know, other parts of the country got flooded as well, but I’m a little too freaked out about the world ending here in Maine to really care, Modern Philosophers!

We all know that the flood is God’s go to way of wiping the slate clean.

ArkNoah’s Ark ring a bell, people?

The animals/ They came on/ They came on/ By twosie twosie/ Elephants and kangaroosie roosie!

Yes, I used to have to sing that song at some Church-based after school program I was forced to attend during my God fearing youth.

And if the floods weren’t enough to put the fear of a God break up into you, how about the highly publicized return of Noah this week?

trevor-noahBAM!  Trevor Noah debuts as the host of The Daily Show.


Great storms.


Even a blind squirrel finds that you’re a nut for not seeing the point I’m making here.

Pope Francis gives the Christmas Urbi et Orbi Blessing at St Peter SquareAnd who recently decided to drop everything to come for a visit?

Pope Francis.  God’s best buddy.  The guy everyone loves.

Think back to some of your past break ups.  Did your soon to be ex send her best friend around to maybe soften the blow?  Everyone has that one friend who puts you in a good mood and can turn a bad situation into a good one.

Pope Francis was the advance team.  God sent him to make the bad news a little easier to swallow.  He was the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down.

To be totally honest with you, if Pope Francis asked, I would give him God’s Varsity jacket back without hesitation.

ZeusSince God Almighty, maker of Heaven and earth, and all that is seen and unseen, won’t take my calls or return my texts to discuss my sneaking suspicions, I turned to the next best thing.


The Father of the Greek Gods has been my homey ever since my first interview with him led to this blog being Fresh Pressed.

I asked Zeus if he saw the signs the same way I did.

“You’ve always got a friend in me,” Zeus replied.

Then he let me throw a few lightning bolts off the roof of The House on the Hill.

Zeus never lets me do that.

Oh $%^&, we are so @#$%^&, Modern Philosophers!

DeathYou know that feeling of doom and gloom you get when the phone rings, and you sense that “The Talk” is waiting if you pick up that call?

God is about to break up with us.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Get some ice cream, grab your favorite movie, and just prepare to have a good cry.

And maybe don’t answer your phone if you see Heaven’s area code on the display.


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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14 Responses to Blood Moons, Eclipses, Floods…Is God Trying To Break Up With Us?

  1. swo8 says:

    He isn’t breaking up with us, he’s just trying to shake us up a bit.

  2. Glenda says:

    I’m not smart enough to figure out if you’re serious or if you’re being incredibly satirical. Either way, I would just say, calm down. Didn’t God promise Noah (ha!) that he would never flood the world again? Remember the rainbow…

  3. Tim Gatewood says:

    “Heaven’s Area Code” sounds like a good name for a Christian rock band. Just saying!

  4. D. Parker says:

    “They say that breaking up is hard to do
    Now I know, I know that it’s true
    Don’t say that this is the end
    Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again.”
    Maybe we need a Neil Sedaka moment.

  5. Joseph Nebus says:

    Well, if naive isn’t working out for you, why not try spending a year or two just being young instead?

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