The Dating Dead: My Romantic Apocalypse

bad dateIt’s Saturday night, Modern Philosophers, and the only date I have is with a bowl of ice cream and the Notre Dame game.

I thought that rather than writing my usual Dating Tips post, I’d turn the tables and focus on what’s going on in my dating life.

Perhaps you can help out a fellow Modern Philosopher in need by either offering me some dating advice, or by setting me up with your cute single friend, coworker, neighbor, relative, vague acquaintance, mortal enemy, or total stranger.

Because even though I’m remarkably skilled at giving out dating advice, my romantic life seems to have reached End of Days status.

date endIt’s been three years since The Girl Who Moved Away earned her code name, and in that time, I have not had a single serious relationship.

Hell, I haven’t even had a hilarious relationship.

At first, it was definitely my fault.  I was hoping that the long distance thing would work, and once it became apparent that it would not, I still couldn’t let go.

There was a prolonged mourning period, which included a lot of comfort food and making sure I was horribly out of shape so no woman would ever again want me.

My friends said I would never find someone new until I completely let go of the aforementioned previous owner of my heart, and I knew they were right.

However, her stubborn refusal to be humane and put a nice ribbon on things infuriated me and left me paralyzed to move forward.  I know that’s really my fault, but I need to put some of the blame on her because she could have made this so much easier for me.

Instead, she just did what was simpler for her.

As a result, my Romantic Apocalypse finally arrived…

date cloudI definitely have been trying, Modern Philosophers.  I’ve asked everyone I know if they could set me up with someone.  I’ve tried a dating website.  I’ve sat in Downtown Bangor with a “WILL DATE ANYONE” sign around my neck.  I’ve crashed weddings.  I’ve gone door to door in several neighborhoods.  I’ve sent away for mail order brides, only to have my requests denied due to lack of postage.

If Jimmy Fallon hadn’t already done it with two of his writers, I would have asked Danny to let me do a “Find A Date For One Of My Writers” bit on The Nite Show.

I’m beginning to feel like I’ve had my shots at love, couldn’t make them work, and now I’ve got to sit it out and watch from the sidelines until Mort Fine comes for me.

date soupIs it possible that Judge Cupid has ruled “No love for you!” in the case of Austin v. Eternal Loneliness?

In my defense, Your Honor, I have gone on several dates.  If I liked her, she wasn’t interested in me.  Or we simply didn’t click.  And in a few cases, my date temporarily scared me away from the dating scene.

I’m a hopeless romantic, though, with an extreme emphasis on “hopeless”.  I’m not going to give up, but I’m clearly doing something wrong and would love to figure out what it is because being alone sucks.

date no datingFor some reason, I haven’t gone on a date in a long time.  That was not a conscious choice on my part.  In fact, I’ve been running and eating better in an attempt to make myself look more appealing, while also boosting my confidence.

I did think I’d kinda, maybe, sorta met someone who was interested in me, and as a result, I stopped looking and focused my attention on her.

That didn’t work out, and I have no idea why.

Then there was this sweet, but doomed to fail, long distance thing that had me distracted for a bit.  If I couldn’t make it work with someone I loved who was one time zone away, how could I think someone half a world away was a viable option?

Maybe I was just so desperate to love again that I was willing to try anything?

Here I am, 18 lbs lighter, self-confidence much higher, and I’m still sitting home alone on a Saturday night.

This is my very own Romantic Apocalypse.

date charliedate maggieWhat I demand to know is why my post-apocalyptic world doesn’t have a Charlie from Revolution, or a Maggie from The Walking Dead!

I don’t know if I could ever work up enough confidence to ask either of them for a date, but then again, in a post-apocalyptic world, everything is turned upside down.  For all I know, a dorky writer with a Brooklyn accent might be exactly what those ladies hope to find.

Where do I find my Maggie or Charlie?  This is where I hit a brick wall and then repeatedly beat my head against it until the stars come and I black out.

I could lose all the weight in the world, gain all the self-confidence one Modern Philosopher can possess without exploding, and it still wouldn’t matter if I can’t find someone who is single, interested, and makes my heart beat faster.

Where am I supposed to look???

ZombiesFor now, it seems that I am destined to trudge through the world alone, just another member of The Dating Dead.

Hopefully, I’ll find someone to revive my heart before a Daryl Dixon type puts an arrow through it and ends my misery…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to The Dating Dead: My Romantic Apocalypse

  1. 1wanderingtruthseeker says:

    OMG Austin, that made me laugh out loud! But I know your pain. There are so many lonely folks out there and that sucks big time.

  2. D. Parker says:

    It’s the end of the dating world and we know it and we feel fine. Don’t give up, Austin, there’s no way a great guy like you will stay in the dating supermarket of love for long. 🙂

  3. grannyK says:

    I do understand. I dated a few men after my husband passed, but never more than a couple of times and then it just ended. I could never figure out where to meet someone that I would really want to try to be serious with. WAY too many bars here, and I don’t like going. I finally just stopped trying. It is different for me, though, because I have my children here with me. I really do think that if you try, but don’t obsess, something will happen! I just know it!

  4. Bookstore, library, running group.

    • Austin says:

      How do you just walk up to a stranger in a bookstore or library, though? People suggest those places all the time, but it seems a bit stalkerish to me…

      • Tim Gatewood says:

        Austin, you look for women who are looking at books you have read. You walk up to them and start a conversation about that book. Or look for women who are in a section of the bookstore where books you like are kept. For instance, it is simple to talk to a woman in the SF section of the store — just ask her if she prefers JRR Tolkien or George RR Martin. In the horror section, ask her about Steven King or Clive Barker. You just need to have something in common with her to talk about. If you don’t have anything in common (except you want to know her better), that can be sorta stalkerish, so don’t go there.

      • Austin says:

        So you’re saying not to approach a woman who might be looking at a book on Self-Defense? 🙂

  5. I feel you, friend. I’m always the one giving out (surprisingly useful) dating advice for my friends, but I can’t find anyone myself. Oh sure, I’ve got a few I’m interested in, but so far that hasn’t gone anywhere. All I can say is, on the matter of getting yourself fit, don’t do it for a girl. Do it for you. The girl will come along later.

  6. donedreaming says:

    You gotta love yourself first before you can love someone else. Keep feeling good about the running and the healthy eating, take yourself out on dates to the movies, theatre, restaurant, for a walk somewhere lovely (it’s all good practice for when ‘the one’ finally arrives). You’ll glow like a beacon and it will attract others to you. Supposedly love’s like hunting a butterfly, go after it and you frighten it away but chill out and be calm and it will come to you. There’s no way a lovely guy like you will be without someone to love him, maybe you just have some work to do on your own first 🙂

      • donedreaming says:

        I am single so perhaps you should ignore everything I said! To be honest I’m really happy and enjoying my solo life but then I’ve had 2 traumatic long term relationships which pretty much put me off for good. If you’ve told your friends and work colleagues you are looking they may be able to play matchmaker. Do you get out much – I don’t mean bars and nightclubs but you could start a conversation in a bookstore/grocery store/etc. Just don’t become a desperate man, there’s nothing more offputting than desperation ..

      • Austin says:

        I asked if you were single because I was interested in you, silly. 🙂

        Are you watching my Jets play football in your country???

      • Tim Gatewood says:

        Austin, see what DoneDreaming said here about don’t be desperate? That was my first thought when I read this article, that you were coming across as desperate for anyone and nothing will scare the women away faster than that. Think about it — would you want to have a relationship with a woman who announced that she wanted kids and husband who could provide for her so she could stay at home with them on the first date? Some desires have to be kept tightly inside the head or they will never come to pass.

        What you are seeking is a relationship with the right woman, not merely to date any woman. If you approach it that way, it is easier to have patience and to let it happen. She may be busy right now. Let it be known (as you have) that you are seeking, but don’t make the search the Be All and End All of your existence. Go about your life. Reach out by joining other communities. Sure, looking for love at church seems a bit sordid, but if you genuinely have a faith tradition, why not explore that and, if you happen to meet someone who shares it with you, bonus! Beyond that, there ARE runners’ clubs and book clubs and all sorts of volunteer organizations that one can join for the cost of some time and effort. If you are doing the things that make you happy, you will much more attractive to other people. No one wants to be around someone who is desperate or unhappy.

        And, just so you know, I met my wife at a science fiction club meeting and one of the first things she said to me was “Shut Up, Tim!” So, you never know where you will meet or how that first encounter will go. (She and I have been married for 22+ years now.)

      • Austin says:

        I don’t think I’m desperate, but thanks for the advice. I’d say I’m willing to try any advice, but that might sound desperate, too. 🙂

  7. Phil Taylor says:

    Keep your eyes open and stop looking. Trust me.

  8. Thank you for this post. I’m disgustingly happy in my marriage now, but when I was single, I felt EXACTLY the same way! Oh, I was miserable, and nobody wanted to hear about it, which was difficult for me, because in those days I was very into Talking About It (that’s not a run-on sentence; diagram it). Sometimes you just need the space to say THIS REALLY SUCKS! I know a lot of people who are going through it, too. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I always prefer sympathy to advice anyways. It’s is so easy to say, “Stop looking, let it come to you…” They always told me, “NEVER chase a man!” but if I followed that advice, I’d probably be single and miserable myself right now. Hey, maybe while you’re following the advice of “stop looking” a perfectly wonderful woman is following the advice of “don’t chase.” You could be missing each other till somebody flies in the face of conventional wisdom… That could make a great basis for a rom-com, if you write that sort of screenplay. Hey, then maybe you could start a romance with whoever stars in the movie! As usual, sorry for the long comment. I do go on.

    • Austin says:

      Thank you for the pep talk and the amusing comments. I just wish we could gather all the single people in one place for an afternoon so we can mingle and network. I just need to know where to look.

  9. donedreaming says:

    You see, this is why I’m single – I have no idea when a man is chatting me up!! I was in an art gallery recently and the curator started talking to me about the exhibit and then mentioned there was a lovely coffee shop and he was on his way there. I thanked him for letting me know and carried on walking. I later told my friend who sighed and rolled her eyes skyward ‘he was chatting you up and inviting you for coffee’ – I didn’t pick up on it at all. Hey I’ve been to Bangor on several occasions – I was on my way to Florida at the time but the airport was .. interesting. I’ll have to stop by some time ..
    Yes I’m watching the match (sorry game) – are you watching?

  10. Ali Isaac says:

    Ah dont be sad. I was just like that too, so I decided to focus on my career instead, and then I met Him. You have to be totally happy and confident in who you are, and people will be attracted to that person. You are almost there, I can tell. She’s waiting for you, wondering where her Mr Right is, and events are lining up to cross your paths… but only when the time is right.

  11. markbialczak says:

    It’s going to happen for you soon, Austin. Ali is right. You’re almost there. Listen to the smart woman from Ireland. The dumber guy from Syracuse wants to make sure: You’re not bringing up the Girl Who Moved Away on these dates that fall short, right?

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